I want to backtrack a little bit. Last week when my rabbit died I wasn't really up to talking about anything because I was an absolute wreck, like collapsing into a heap of tears on the floor mess. And as much as I adored Sprinkles my sadness went far beyond her suddenly dying on me. I have 4 other rabbits, two of them are mine and the other two are my brothers. I had been preparing myself for a while now to go back there and find one of my other two rabbits dead, one of them is really old and the other isn't super old but has had various medical problems that have dramatically shortened her lifespan. So when I went to the rabbit barn to find Sprinkles dead and not Lizzie or Nutmeg it was like a confirmation that I am more than likely going to be rabbitless within the next year, something I certainly was not expecting. I love all of my animals to pieces, which I guess can be a weakness in some respects, especially when some of those animals are 4-H meat animals to start with, but I figure that they deserve to be loved unconditionally no matter what they are or how long they are going to be on this earth. So even though it may seem ridiculous that I have been mourning the loss of a rabbit, just know that she meant so much more than that to me.
On top of this, there has been a lot of problems in regards to what is going to happen with raising my lamb this year. I don't feel that it is appropriate to rag on people because of all of the drama that goes on, but I will say that I feel very hurt at the moment by someone I didn't expect it from. Also, as of right now... because of some of the actions that have taken place recently, I no longer have a breeder or a place to raise my lamb meaning that I might not have a lamb or a rabbit to show at the county fair this year... my last county fair I can participate in before I leave for college. Of course, all of this has happened in the past week and I can't even begin to express how frustrated and upset I am at pretty much everything because of it.
Finally, on something completely unrelated to 4-H, I am beginning to feel very down on myself. For one thing, my senior year has not been anything like I have expected and I haven't even gotten through one month without feeling absolutely miserable about something. This has also been the longest time I have gone without interest in anybody since I can't even remember when... and this lack of interest has led me to really question and degrade myself. This has been mainly about my height because everything that has happened in this past year has really opened my eyes to only only the immaturity of many of the people around me but also to the fact that people can't really get past the height issue. Many people don't really understand this, but when you always have to look down on almost all of your friends it begins to hurt you psychologically. Also being bombarded with images of couples where the woman is so much shorter than the man and all the scenarios that stem from that, and knowing that this will never be a possibility for a girl who is six feet tall really takes a toll after a while. Most of the time I am able to brush it off but lately it has really been getting me down. That and I just can't wait for a change of scenery.
So anyway, I have returned to ranting. If you enjoy that then fantastic! Feel free to enjoy my complaints. If you don't, sorry... I really don't know what else to say to that.
Here is the picture of Sprinkles that refused to upload before. Sorry for the delay.
