oh goodness...

I have spent so long thinking about whether or not it would be fun to have a reunion of my 8th grade graduation class... and then a message pops up for one.  And as I was reading through the 300 comments that popped up within an hour I realized how much I really DIDN'T want to take part.  Most of the people that are planning it I no longer get a long with or they don't like me.. so why bother. Sure there are a bunch of people that I miss but i don't think its worth my time... especially right before finals.
On another note, thanks to the amazing wonderful reasoning of my mother I finally was able to realize where I stand emotionally with my problems. She also gave me good advice on what i should do, I just hope I will be able to follow through before the party on Saturday. Because otherwise this is going to get bad. fast.

I'm also planning on waking up in a few hours to do a bunch of English homework for tomorrow that i have yet to start. Yay for me and my skrewed up life!

ohhhh boy.. here we go again

Sitting in class. Don't want to work on what I'm supposed to... The only thing keeping me awake is the fact that Amanda is sitting next to me talking about her day dreams... yes Amanda they do sound perfect :). And shes dressed up like the people from the matrix. How cool is that.  And shes embarrassed, and excited and i cant really tell how she feels... besides super excited for you know who to come home. OH yes... just another day in English class.
I just hop we dont start singing red solo cup... i think its going to head that way.. too late...

Thanksgiving!

Happy start to the holidays everyone! For the first time this year I'm actually exited... which is good. Been listening to Christmas music for the past hour or so, sending wishes to my friends to have a happy thanksgiving, and spending time in the kitchen peeling potatoes with my mom. Yeah... today is definitely a good day. Also my dad invited this guy he works with from Belarus (hes here for a few days because their finishing a product or something) to dinner tonight.  Now you must understand that thanksgiving for my family isn't the traditional american Thanksgiving that everyone else has.  We get together with a bunch of family friends that are all from different parts of Scandinavia (my dad's an immigrant so we don't have his side of the family around) and have a very Scandinavian Thanksgiving.  Its always fun.. but usually I get rather bored cuz there isn't anyone my age to talk to. But whatever, the gorging on food is worth it. SOOOO worth it. :)

P.S. I'm sorry about a few of my past posts.... I've been a fairly bad place lately.... I'll try not to vent so much in the future.

Cinderella

Well... the fall play is over, sadness hasn't really set in yet. Though I'm not sure it's going to this time. There was a lot of stuff that happened behind the scenes that really made me uncomfortable... but I'm not going to go into that here... it isn't appropriate. But I am going to be dreaming about Cinderella falling in love with the prince at the ball and singing all the songs over and over again until my head will explode.
Oh the stuff theatre does to you...

uh oh...

Math IA + 2 tests + Benchmark for ESS due +Tech week/Performances for Cinderella = no sleep for the next 6 days
good god this is going to be a long week.
save. me.

fragments

I wish I could give myself a break but I'm not sure there is a way I could do that without isolating myself from society.  I think the fact that I am so confused has come from the fact that the multiple guys that are in my mind at the moment ( fyi that's a really bad thing for me, I can only handle one crush at a time to maintain sanity) have certain characteristics that I really like, so I have seemed to morph them all into one giant lump in my minds eye...  but in reality the fragments i lump together into one ideal guy are fragmented.  I'm starting to believe that its my brain telling me that I really shouldn't be liking anyone at the moment, but the rest of me is really in need of it.  I need someone who fills the different aspects: the one that can relate to my background, the one who seemed to think that I was worthwhile even when I didn't think so, and the one who could make me laugh/ be a really good friend.  Being a hopeless romantic really screws with your head sometimes... that's probably the reason for all these really bad headaches I've been having.  I need a change of environment where I can start over and forget about all these past memories and move on.

because its the best way I can think of to express it, I'm going to input some song lyrics."Secret's out, that I just might care about you
You broke me, you're leaving
There's nothing I can do

I'll find a way to close the door
I want to say so much more but
I found you once, you're lost again
Two thousand miles took what could have been

I don't want to
Won't let myself
I have to realize
This might be
This could be
This is goodbye"

I don't even know...

I don't even know what to think. My head hurts with all this confusion. I'd like to vent but I can't. I'm not sure how I am supposed to think anymore. I keep thinking that just sleeping on it would help, but it never does.
But I think whats getting to me the most is that it's November. That means Thanksgiving is getting really close... too close.. which means I can't hide from my emotions anymore. And I have no clue what is going to happen, all I know is that it's going to be bad and I really don't want it to come. Can't we go back in time or something, or speed time up. Something that can help me get away, get away from the fact that I have no closure, get away from everything that reminds me of it all, get away from thinking about him for more then a week, get away from all the what if's and what could have been's.... away from this pain that keeps eating me away. 

But there isn't anything I can do to avoid it. Ever. I am caught in this trap forever. All the holiday get togethers, the christmas cards, the small talk, the mere mention of things that I associate with him.
Why is it that the things we try hardest to push away are the things we are never able to? Why is it so hard to let go and forget about all these strong emotions even after you think you have moved on. How come no one seems to respect the fact that you are having a hard time and that your emotions are a lot stronger and more difficult to get rid of then a lot of other things? Why is it that people tell me to get over it when I am having a hard time, yet when they are sad I will always try to be there for them? Why is it that I can't sleep at night because of all of these questions running through my head? Why is it that I can only release all this emotion by venting out on this keyboard for the world to see on this blog? Why is this so freaking hard?
345 days ago... my view of the world changed. And now......I've been left in this horrible feeling of swirling through options for escape and redemption. 

It's interesting how someone can change you so much....