So yesterday marked the start of National 4-H Week, which means... this is one of my favorite weeks of the year.
For those of you who read this and don't know what 4-H is, it is a program that originally started as a way for kids who lived on farms to show and compete with the agricultural products and animals that they raised. Since then it has branched out to have a project for pretty much anything you can think of. I have been incredibly involved in the program since I was 5 years old and it has been the source for all of the good things I have done so far in my life. Honestly, I could go on about how much I love this program and how much it has done for me as a person for days. It is such an amazing organization and I firmly believe that every single kid on this earth can benefit from at least something that it offers.
Obviously, it means a lot to me. like... more than you could ever begin to comprehend. And I am currently working on a project that will allow me to give back to the program that has given me so much throughout my life. And it is all because this year is the 100th anniversary of 4-H in California. It's big, like crazy big. But I'm still not exactly ready to mention it to the public quite yet, so I'm sorry that this is the second time that I have brought it up and refuse to say anything any less ambiguous. That will change sooner or later. I promise. And guaranteed there will be a very lengthy post over my excitement with the whole ordeal. So you can have that to look forward to. It will be great! :)
Speaking of things I need to work on, I need to get started on my application for the National 4-H Leadership Conference... I have way to many things on my to do list these days.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
this is madness
Prescribed Title essays. They are... I don't even know crazy? insane? ridiculous? stupid? mind-boggling?
I have been sitting in front of my computer since 1 this afternoon trying to write this essay and so far I have half of a paragraph. after 11 hours. I thought maybe waiting until midnight would help to have this make sense. Nope. Nothing.
So I have decided that I am going to write it at 5 tomorrow morning, because then I won't be awake enough to think and therefore I can write this and in regards to TOK... it will all make perfect sense later on.
On another note, I went up to UC Davis yesterday. I still love the school, but I have come to the realization that I liked it because of 4-H and since I saw it for the first time without that side of it yesterday, it was a little different. I also am starting to think that 2 hours by car is too close, I really want to go out of state. REALLY BAD. But more so, I just want to be done with High School and get on to college already. I'm done with these people, everyone except for my friends just annoy the heck out of me. I really need a change. too bad I have to wait so long... oh well, at least I can keep myself busy with college apps and scholarships in the meantime.
Sorry I don't really have anything interesting to talk about, I really didn't do anything besides going to Davis this weekend. Shows you just how exciting my life is right now. Paperwork, yay...
Speaking of which... I should better be getting back to what I'm technically supposed to be doing. Hopefully I'll have something more meaningful to post later.
I have been sitting in front of my computer since 1 this afternoon trying to write this essay and so far I have half of a paragraph. after 11 hours. I thought maybe waiting until midnight would help to have this make sense. Nope. Nothing.
So I have decided that I am going to write it at 5 tomorrow morning, because then I won't be awake enough to think and therefore I can write this and in regards to TOK... it will all make perfect sense later on.
On another note, I went up to UC Davis yesterday. I still love the school, but I have come to the realization that I liked it because of 4-H and since I saw it for the first time without that side of it yesterday, it was a little different. I also am starting to think that 2 hours by car is too close, I really want to go out of state. REALLY BAD. But more so, I just want to be done with High School and get on to college already. I'm done with these people, everyone except for my friends just annoy the heck out of me. I really need a change. too bad I have to wait so long... oh well, at least I can keep myself busy with college apps and scholarships in the meantime.
Sorry I don't really have anything interesting to talk about, I really didn't do anything besides going to Davis this weekend. Shows you just how exciting my life is right now. Paperwork, yay...
Speaking of which... I should better be getting back to what I'm technically supposed to be doing. Hopefully I'll have something more meaningful to post later.
Friday, October 5, 2012
the extent of my rebelliousness
this is the second time this has happened. Same teacher, same subject. only difference is which friend I am sitting next to. Last year it was Amanda, this year it's Dani, Rebecca and Ty. I'm such a rebel, blogging in English class.
But yeah, Today has been a lot of fun. Honestly I don't think I have laughed this much during school for a really long time. Awesome way to spend the day. I'm telling you, this is something that you should do every day, go through everything (especially the boring things) laughing about all of it. No matter how miserable you were before, you're going to be in a good mood.
I mean, it wasn't like I was in a bad mood, I was just really bored about school this morning and all I could look forward to was going up to UC Davis tomorrow to spend the day there, especially since I get to see my really good friends dorm room because she said that she was going to show me some of here new "secret knowledge of the school". Nahh.. it's not really secret, but I'm really jealous of the fact that she gets to take all of these super amazing classes I can only dream about for right now.... oh well, I'll be in college in a year anyway. But for now, I'll just sit here and blog instead of taking the notes I'm supposed to be taking. It's not like they are on anything important anyway... So yeah, for the last part of class this is more than likely going to be a stream of consciousness, that is completely full of errors. Forgive me for that.
OH! I have now glazed all of my pinch pots, so I will have photos of those up within the next week or so, because I will finally be able to bring them home. In the mean time, I will be working on glazing my coil pots, I have no idea what colors I should use... so if anyone has any ideas feel free to let me know at any time. They need to be as cool as the actual pot itself. Yay for creativity!
Also, I had no idea until today that you could have a comprehensive conversation ( full of laughter of course) about the clouds and what sort of feelings they would have based on what they look like. The guy I sit next to in my psychology class is absolutely obsessed with them... he was like ... synonymous to a squirrel. I couldn't stop laughing. Of course, this was probably a bad thing considering we were supposed to be working on a partner test thing... I mean, we got it done. We just had a lot of fun along the way. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
Lunch time: I did the one thing I thought I would never do, reveal my ability to mimic the voice of Yogi Bear. I don't even know what provoked that, it isn't like I had some internal desire to ever show that to anyone outside of my family who does other voices to go along with it. Yeah, we are pretty cool, I know.
So.... I'm supposed to be brainstorming about defiance right now. I'm doing one better, I'm acting on defiance. hehe... sorry, brain fart. And I'm starting to run out of ideas. So I'm probably going to leave this off here and not do any more until later tonight when I talk about some actual stuff. And if I end up not posting tonight, I'm sorry. I will try not to avoid any obligations I make here.
But yeah, Today has been a lot of fun. Honestly I don't think I have laughed this much during school for a really long time. Awesome way to spend the day. I'm telling you, this is something that you should do every day, go through everything (especially the boring things) laughing about all of it. No matter how miserable you were before, you're going to be in a good mood.
I mean, it wasn't like I was in a bad mood, I was just really bored about school this morning and all I could look forward to was going up to UC Davis tomorrow to spend the day there, especially since I get to see my really good friends dorm room because she said that she was going to show me some of here new "secret knowledge of the school". Nahh.. it's not really secret, but I'm really jealous of the fact that she gets to take all of these super amazing classes I can only dream about for right now.... oh well, I'll be in college in a year anyway. But for now, I'll just sit here and blog instead of taking the notes I'm supposed to be taking. It's not like they are on anything important anyway... So yeah, for the last part of class this is more than likely going to be a stream of consciousness, that is completely full of errors. Forgive me for that.
OH! I have now glazed all of my pinch pots, so I will have photos of those up within the next week or so, because I will finally be able to bring them home. In the mean time, I will be working on glazing my coil pots, I have no idea what colors I should use... so if anyone has any ideas feel free to let me know at any time. They need to be as cool as the actual pot itself. Yay for creativity!
Also, I had no idea until today that you could have a comprehensive conversation ( full of laughter of course) about the clouds and what sort of feelings they would have based on what they look like. The guy I sit next to in my psychology class is absolutely obsessed with them... he was like ... synonymous to a squirrel. I couldn't stop laughing. Of course, this was probably a bad thing considering we were supposed to be working on a partner test thing... I mean, we got it done. We just had a lot of fun along the way. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
Lunch time: I did the one thing I thought I would never do, reveal my ability to mimic the voice of Yogi Bear. I don't even know what provoked that, it isn't like I had some internal desire to ever show that to anyone outside of my family who does other voices to go along with it. Yeah, we are pretty cool, I know.
So.... I'm supposed to be brainstorming about defiance right now. I'm doing one better, I'm acting on defiance. hehe... sorry, brain fart. And I'm starting to run out of ideas. So I'm probably going to leave this off here and not do any more until later tonight when I talk about some actual stuff. And if I end up not posting tonight, I'm sorry. I will try not to avoid any obligations I make here.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
*insert witty title here, I can't think of one*
I've never been one to like peer editing... I find it quite embarrassing. There are few people that I actually feel ok having them read my work.
Today in English we were doing a peer review of our college app. personal statements. Frankly, I was really proud of mine and really excited to see what other people thought about them. For a huge part of it I was talking about this really important thing that I am doing for 4-H, I don't want to talk about it online just in case someone hears about it before I want everyone to know. I've been working very hard on it for the past year, lets just leave it at that. Well, one person in my class (I can't be too mad because she doesn't know what 4-H is so it probably has no value to her to begin with) told me as part of her criticism that I shouldn't talk about it as much because it didn't seem to be that big of a deal and other things would make more of an impact.
So much self-restraint. My brain pretty much exploded at that point. For one thing, an opportunity to do something for the 100th anniversary of the program only comes once, and I'm presenting in front of the state senate and assembly. I don't mean to brag about what I'm doing or anything... but I'm sorry, I can't think of any possible situation where this isn't a huge deal for a 17 year old girl. Especially since this program means more to me than you can possibly imagine. So yeah... I was a bit offended.
It's ok though, I got to go to open studio for ceramics right after class ended. I managed to glaze 2 of my 6 pinch pots before my brother was getting antsy and wanted to go. Frankly I don't think I could have stayed there much longer anyway, the group of girls that was next to me was talking about getting high and how to hide it from their potential bosses at job interviews. I felt incredibly uncomfortable, and frankly a little bit disgusted. Enduring that was worth it though because ceramics is so much fun. I'll probably post a couple of pictures of things I make on here so that you can see. I've already made twice as much as everyone else in the class. I'm such a cool kid.
On another note, I am getting super excited for Halloween. Like CRAZY excited. My friends and I are doing a group costume with the theme being Alice in Wonderland, and I get to be the Mad Hatter. I already have a whole bunch of ideas as to how to pull it off. Only problem is that I need a underskirt that will act more like a tutu than anything... I know I used to have one, but I think I might have gotten rid of it. I've got time though, so I'll think of something. It's going to be crazy. Which is pretty much perfect for me.
Today in English we were doing a peer review of our college app. personal statements. Frankly, I was really proud of mine and really excited to see what other people thought about them. For a huge part of it I was talking about this really important thing that I am doing for 4-H, I don't want to talk about it online just in case someone hears about it before I want everyone to know. I've been working very hard on it for the past year, lets just leave it at that. Well, one person in my class (I can't be too mad because she doesn't know what 4-H is so it probably has no value to her to begin with) told me as part of her criticism that I shouldn't talk about it as much because it didn't seem to be that big of a deal and other things would make more of an impact.
So much self-restraint. My brain pretty much exploded at that point. For one thing, an opportunity to do something for the 100th anniversary of the program only comes once, and I'm presenting in front of the state senate and assembly. I don't mean to brag about what I'm doing or anything... but I'm sorry, I can't think of any possible situation where this isn't a huge deal for a 17 year old girl. Especially since this program means more to me than you can possibly imagine. So yeah... I was a bit offended.
It's ok though, I got to go to open studio for ceramics right after class ended. I managed to glaze 2 of my 6 pinch pots before my brother was getting antsy and wanted to go. Frankly I don't think I could have stayed there much longer anyway, the group of girls that was next to me was talking about getting high and how to hide it from their potential bosses at job interviews. I felt incredibly uncomfortable, and frankly a little bit disgusted. Enduring that was worth it though because ceramics is so much fun. I'll probably post a couple of pictures of things I make on here so that you can see. I've already made twice as much as everyone else in the class. I'm such a cool kid.
On another note, I am getting super excited for Halloween. Like CRAZY excited. My friends and I are doing a group costume with the theme being Alice in Wonderland, and I get to be the Mad Hatter. I already have a whole bunch of ideas as to how to pull it off. Only problem is that I need a underskirt that will act more like a tutu than anything... I know I used to have one, but I think I might have gotten rid of it. I've got time though, so I'll think of something. It's going to be crazy. Which is pretty much perfect for me.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Ever had one of those lives?
I know things are starting to get better and even though I have to force myself to fall into new "habits" everything should be starting to be ok again. But I feel so empty, I'm not really sure what's happening to me though I know whatever it is it can't be good. I almost lost it again today. at school. It's not like anything really happened. I also almost hit someone. I don't hit people.... so that in itself scared me. If it wasn't for my outlet in ceramics, I don't think that I would be mentally stable.
I'm trying my best not to care about anything and focus on school and college apps. Stay focused Viktoria... you can do this.
Yeah sure, I can do this... but that doesn't ensure that I'll end up being happy again later on. I still feel a bit like a loser, especially since I didn't see this all along. I mean... it should have been obvious right? People tend to have personalities similar to that of the people who they hang out with. And most of that group of people drive me crazy because they can be such jerks. So why the hell did I expect him to be any different? At least I found out when I did, not that that makes dealing with that fact any easier. Especially now that I feel like I'm a hopeless case, nothing ever seems to work out and no matter how I approach things, everything always ends badly. Ugh, I must be like some negative omen or something.
I want to apologize now for the fact that all of my posts are really negative and depressing at the moment, this blog has become my healing tool. Please bear with me... it will end eventually. I promise.
I'm trying my best not to care about anything and focus on school and college apps. Stay focused Viktoria... you can do this.
Yeah sure, I can do this... but that doesn't ensure that I'll end up being happy again later on. I still feel a bit like a loser, especially since I didn't see this all along. I mean... it should have been obvious right? People tend to have personalities similar to that of the people who they hang out with. And most of that group of people drive me crazy because they can be such jerks. So why the hell did I expect him to be any different? At least I found out when I did, not that that makes dealing with that fact any easier. Especially now that I feel like I'm a hopeless case, nothing ever seems to work out and no matter how I approach things, everything always ends badly. Ugh, I must be like some negative omen or something.
I want to apologize now for the fact that all of my posts are really negative and depressing at the moment, this blog has become my healing tool. Please bear with me... it will end eventually. I promise.
midnight breakdown.
I never use the block option on facebook. never. So the moment when I realized that finally using it would be my best option, was not easy. I kept sitting there staring at my screen wondering whether or not this was something I really wanted to do. On one hand, this would prove to myself the fact that I am completely done and will officially have absolutely nothing to do with him ever again (this will be the last post about it I swear). But, even after everything, there is still a part of me that is refusing to let go, no matter how hard I try. It is this part of me that keeps making me go through these constant mood swings. One second I'm fine, and then the next... I'm a complete mess.
So, I listened to Amanda... and I did it. My eyes were watering the whole time. 2 minutes later: I had somehow moved from the table to my bed, sobbing into my pillow. I'm trying so hard to convince myself that I'm ok, that this isn't affecting me. But at the same time... it's not like I can keep these emotions bottled up forever. Right?
So yeah, he now officially does not exist. I know this is going to help.... but this is honestly one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced.
I don't even want to fall asleep anymore just in case I end up having a dream about him. But then I remember that I have a chemistry test tomorrow... and then I give up on that notion.
Praying that I can make it through tomorrow. I'm just taking it one day at a time. 24 hour increments are manageable enough. I hope.
I'm still ok. There is no problem. Everything is fine.
So, I listened to Amanda... and I did it. My eyes were watering the whole time. 2 minutes later: I had somehow moved from the table to my bed, sobbing into my pillow. I'm trying so hard to convince myself that I'm ok, that this isn't affecting me. But at the same time... it's not like I can keep these emotions bottled up forever. Right?
So yeah, he now officially does not exist. I know this is going to help.... but this is honestly one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced.
I don't even want to fall asleep anymore just in case I end up having a dream about him. But then I remember that I have a chemistry test tomorrow... and then I give up on that notion.
Praying that I can make it through tomorrow. I'm just taking it one day at a time. 24 hour increments are manageable enough. I hope.
I'm still ok. There is no problem. Everything is fine.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Relief
Its done. OH MY GOD. Its actually done!!! I never thought this day would come. After 10 months of slaving, stressing and dreaming about my 3,999 word extended essay, I never have to think about it again. I can't even explain, this is honestly the greatest feeling in the world and I am most definitely not afraid to show it. Just ask my mom... about an hour ago I was dancing around the house screaming with joy.
So of course, to celebrate... I am procrastinating on the homework that I have tonight. Probably not the best idea, especially since I have a chemistry test tomorrow... Oh well, it'll get done. In the meantime however, I am having a dance party for one set to Imagine Dragons. I have become obsessed. COMPLETELY. obsessed with this band.
Oh yeah... and I got a whole lot done on my college apps yesterday. So like all of my stress levels are at a complete minimal. :)
So far... I'm completely loving this carefree version of myself that I have decided to commit to. Life has improved significantly. Of course, there are still a couple of hiccups that I can't really avoid... but I'm in general doing SO much better than I normally do. Hurray for me and growing up! haha
So of course, to celebrate... I am procrastinating on the homework that I have tonight. Probably not the best idea, especially since I have a chemistry test tomorrow... Oh well, it'll get done. In the meantime however, I am having a dance party for one set to Imagine Dragons. I have become obsessed. COMPLETELY. obsessed with this band.
Oh yeah... and I got a whole lot done on my college apps yesterday. So like all of my stress levels are at a complete minimal. :)
So far... I'm completely loving this carefree version of myself that I have decided to commit to. Life has improved significantly. Of course, there are still a couple of hiccups that I can't really avoid... but I'm in general doing SO much better than I normally do. Hurray for me and growing up! haha
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