Sorry about that..

OK... well I can't say that I have been the most consistent blogger, and I can't promise that I will start to be one. But Amanda keeps bothering me about the fact that I never post on here and so I finally decided to post again.
Considering it has been almost a year since I have written in this thing... a lot has happened. Big things like a trip to Florida, writing a 4000 word research paper on the impact of vikings on the English language, a lot of school/stress, prom, summer, raising a lamb, going on a cross country college trip and starting senior year.... which hasn't been nearly as fantastic as it has been made out to be.
Honestly... these past few weeks have been horribly miserable. There was something that I had done this summer that seemed like it was a good thing at the time... but now... well, I lost a really good friend as far as I can tell. So yeah, I have been depressed. REALLY depressed. This guy meant a lot to me... and yeah, I have had a huge crush on him for a really long time, but I never cared about anything so long as I never lost his friendship. That hasn't exactly been working out...
So yeah, my mom has been calling me the zombie and is starting to get really concerned. I guess I'm alright, I just don't laugh as much anymore... and I frequently feel lonely, even when my friends are around. If it wasn't for all of them I don't know what I would do. They are honestly the most wonderful thing I have in my life. Everyone deserves to be surrounded with people as caring and wonderful as they are. I feel so lucky that they are able to put up with me all the time, not many people can. I love you guys. So much.
Speaking of friends. Last night was a party to celebrate my friend Hagop's birthday. Now you must understand that none of my friends approve of what typical teenage parties are like. We find the idea of those sorts of things incredibly boring. Instead we have murder mystery dinners, camp outs, play games, and eat amazing food. Not only is it more fun but you can remember everything the next day and there is no risk of getting in trouble. Anyway... last night, oh my gosh it was probably the best party I have ever been to in my entire life. We got to Hagop's house and we all brought Nerf dart guns so that we can play Humans vs. Zombies around his whole neighborhood. It turned into a long team challenge thing where we were running away from each other and "stunning" one another with all of the darts.  We then ate a bunch of pizza and played lap tag. The most intense game of lap tag to ever have existed. If you have never heard of lap tag you are sooo missing out. It is incredible. It's is my favorite game.  Hands. Down. You get really tired and bruised but it is so worth every second of it. So once we got tired enough to stop we went back to Hagop's house... ate the most beautiful cake I have ever seen, and then planned out how we were goint to "murder" the Spongebob pinata. Most amazing time I have had in a long time? I think yes.

:)

I'm so happy right now. Today was perfect, absolutely perfect.
Can't explain it online, well I could, but i don't feel like it. so here's a song that just adds to my happiness :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpdh4pPl0Ck&ob=av3n

life is moving too fast for me

It's late, I'm tired, but I can't fall asleep. not a good thing... I need rest... bad.
There's a lot I want to say, but no way to say it. It has been that way for me a lot recently, that I can't put my thoughts or anything into words, or that I'm really not sure I would want to hear them come out of my mouth myself. It's hard to deal with, wanting soo badly to tell someone everything inside your head, but then not being able to say it. At least this is better then the way I was last week, feeling guilty and upset and confused all because I was trying to force myself to feel a certain way. But it got to the point where the pain that was causing me filled me with so much exhaustion that I stopped. So, I feel happier now, but more afraid of myself at the same time.
I feel like no matter what I do... I'm not going to be happy with myself or have people not be happy with me, or both.
oh yeah... and finals are coming soon. I really don't want to have to deal with finals, not now.. can't we just skip them or something. hide, climb over to the happier side of the rainbow, go to Sweden and start over, something?
yay for midnight positivity.

:/

I can't explain the disappointment I am feeling right now. The cast party for Cinderella that was supposed to be tonight got cancelled because the family that was hosting it got sick. So... now I have no freaking clue what I am going to do. Not because I want something to do tonight but because that cast party was my one good opportunity... that I no longer have.
So I guess all I feel is anger at myself for not listening to my mom... for not getting up that bit of courage and to say what I need to say.. to make things right again...
ugghhh... what the heck am I going to do... :(

oh goodness...

I have spent so long thinking about whether or not it would be fun to have a reunion of my 8th grade graduation class... and then a message pops up for one.  And as I was reading through the 300 comments that popped up within an hour I realized how much I really DIDN'T want to take part.  Most of the people that are planning it I no longer get a long with or they don't like me.. so why bother. Sure there are a bunch of people that I miss but i don't think its worth my time... especially right before finals.
On another note, thanks to the amazing wonderful reasoning of my mother I finally was able to realize where I stand emotionally with my problems. She also gave me good advice on what i should do, I just hope I will be able to follow through before the party on Saturday. Because otherwise this is going to get bad. fast.

I'm also planning on waking up in a few hours to do a bunch of English homework for tomorrow that i have yet to start. Yay for me and my skrewed up life!

ohhhh boy.. here we go again

Sitting in class. Don't want to work on what I'm supposed to... The only thing keeping me awake is the fact that Amanda is sitting next to me talking about her day dreams... yes Amanda they do sound perfect :). And shes dressed up like the people from the matrix. How cool is that.  And shes embarrassed, and excited and i cant really tell how she feels... besides super excited for you know who to come home. OH yes... just another day in English class.
I just hop we dont start singing red solo cup... i think its going to head that way.. too late...

Thanksgiving!

Happy start to the holidays everyone! For the first time this year I'm actually exited... which is good. Been listening to Christmas music for the past hour or so, sending wishes to my friends to have a happy thanksgiving, and spending time in the kitchen peeling potatoes with my mom. Yeah... today is definitely a good day. Also my dad invited this guy he works with from Belarus (hes here for a few days because their finishing a product or something) to dinner tonight.  Now you must understand that thanksgiving for my family isn't the traditional american Thanksgiving that everyone else has.  We get together with a bunch of family friends that are all from different parts of Scandinavia (my dad's an immigrant so we don't have his side of the family around) and have a very Scandinavian Thanksgiving.  Its always fun.. but usually I get rather bored cuz there isn't anyone my age to talk to. But whatever, the gorging on food is worth it. SOOOO worth it. :)

P.S. I'm sorry about a few of my past posts.... I've been a fairly bad place lately.... I'll try not to vent so much in the future.