Pathetic: (adjective)

Today was rough. I'm still a little sick, almost completely better, but it still affects me a little bit. So the fact that there was a lot that happened today that nearly set me over the edge didnt help much. I got so exhausted from the stress of it hall that when I got to my moms classroom afterschool to get a ride home, I ended up falling asleep. On the floor. For an hour. I didn't even realize that I was tired before that happened.
So it started of with a presentation in my history class this morning about a trip that we can do in February that is called Sojourn to the Past. I've really wanted to go for a long time, but the presentation is meant to be emotional, and I was prepared for that (I mean last year I spoke to Elizabeth Eckford on the phone and burst into tears, so I couldnt get any more emotional then I had then). What I wasn't prepared for was the fact that I would constantly have flashbacks to conversations that I had forgotten about. You see, this whole trip is about the civil rights movement, and last year when I was talking to that certain person that I have been mentioning a lot recently, the time when we really got close and talk about everything... was during that portion of the year. So I was sitting in the auditorium listening when all of a sudden there was something the guy said that hit something, and I found myself trying my best to not make my sudden flashbacks nocitceable. And it KEPT HAPPENING! I was so confused and I couldn't focus on anything... except the image in my head of the way that he would smile at me every time I would laugh at something he said. And I would sit there, smiling down at my paper thinking about it... until the effects wore off. At that point all I felt was that emptiness I've been feeling a lot recently.
By the time I got through chemistry I was completely drained, I just wanted to be done with the day. I was also wishing that tomorrow could come sooner because Ceramics is the one class where I can distract myself long enough to feel somewhat better for a while. Plus there isn't anything better than sitting at a table with nothing but a lump of clay and some creativity to aid you in making something really cool. Anyway, I was walking out of class, when of course I saw him walking in the opposite direction as me... I pretended I didn't notice and looked a way a little but so that I could still see what he would do when we passed eachother. And when I saw him look back at me, I knew it wasn't a lot but it was enough to make me feel a little better about things. It's stupid I know, but I found it reassuring that maybe things are still salvageable.
Unfortunately, my reassurance wouldn't stand up to my friends. They have been pressuring me to talk to him for a while now. Which makes sense, and I don't deny that it needs to happen, but the fact that they think it would be ok to walk up to him in front of all of his friends and try to talk to him would be is insane. Yeah I know there isn't going to be that opportune moment that will just appear, but I mean, can't I wait until he's somewhat alone. But the pressure was really bad at lunch today, I was miserable, they were relentless.  And then one of them made the comment that I was going to end up the way I was freshman year all over again. THAT stung.  It's not like I'm not trying, every single time we switch classes I'm looking in the hallways in case I see him and he's a lone enough so that I can at least say hi.
It's just so strange, how can I go from being able to talk to him about anything and everything to being terrified to even smile at him in the hallway. I can't even express how pathetic I feel right now. And the worst part is, there was a perfect time at which I could talk to him today, but because everyone had been pressuring me so much I could no longer find any words in general, let alone to be able to talk to him. So.... I walked away. And as soon as I did I was so mad at myself.

I have never been more aggravated with myself in my life. I really wish I could just grow up, get more confidence... something, before I really do lose him completely.....

butterflies, headaches and senior portraits

Well I guess I can't complain, my immune system decided to be nice to me and wait until immediately after I took my senior portaits for me to get miserably sick. But typical me, I decide not to get some rest so that I will be somewhat healthy when I get back to school on monday. No, instead I spend my entire saturday helping a friend of mine run a 4-H event that she has been planning for the past year. So, when I got home I had exhausted myself so much that when I went to go lay down fro a few minutes, I ended up falling asleep for 3 hours. Then when I woke up at like 9:30 I listened to music for another hour or two and then went to bed, again. according to my mom I slept for about 14 hours. And today I feel a lot worse than I did before, ehh... I guess I deserve it.
So, to my story. I had my portaits done on Friday, and 3:15, but I started getting ready for them at 5:00 the day before.
I know. Crazy right?! Trust me, that is not something that is normal for me. But considering that that senior portraits are the second most important pictures you take in your life behind wedding photos, I was really scared. I had good reason to, for girls, the way your hair looks is a crucial part of whether of not your picture can be determined as a good or not. And my hair is, well... uncontrollable and certainly not portrait worthy.  I had already been growing my hair out for a year just for the purpose of those pictures. After many panicked conversations with my mom, she decided that she would take me to our hair dresser and have her do my hair for the pictures. Both of us are completely useless when it comes to styling. So I made an appointment for the day before since she didnt have anything open on the day of. I wanted my hair to have pretty loose curls. So in order for that to happen, they had to be curled tightly the night before and periodically pulled out. This also meant I had to pin it up to sleep on. Well, I can't say sleep, because that certainly didn't happen. More like lay down with your eyes closed and pretend like you're comfortable.
Friday itself was impossibly long. Honestly i felt as if I had lived three days all in one. It was even an early day and I still felt like I was going on for an eternity. I was a nervous wreck all day. I couldn't figure out why I was freaking out about going to school, I had no tests, it was my better block day, and I was wearing a really cute outfit. But for some reason I felt so self-consious about how I looked it was ridiculous. I ended up contributing it to a number of factors:
1) That being more of a tomboy, wearing a pencil skirt, frilly top and having fancy hair unnerved me.
2) I really don't like bringing attention to myself, and considering I looked nothing like I normally did... I got a lot of looks and compliments.
3) I really just wanted to wear a pair of sweats and an old tshirt so that I could calm down
4) I was starting to feel the oncommings of a cold, which I was praying would hold off until the day was over.
And right when I was beginning to calm down, Briana had to freak me out... all over again. hurray. It started when she threatened that since I looked so nice I needed to talk to a certain someone that day, and that she was going to tell him to meet me after school. I told her no... but  was still all shaken up through my last class. Then of course once school ended she told me that he had his appointment right before mine. That did it. I was terrified. I had a little over two hours to spare and all I could do was panick. I was constantly checking my hair, tugging at my clothes, checking my phone for the time, and trying to calm myself down.  I did manage to calm myself down long enough to put on makeup, which again, is not something that I normally do. My fears had shifted from having a bad protrait to figuring out what the hell I was going to do if he saw me. Wasn't entirely ready to fully admit that though...
Briana was coming with me to the portrait studio as we were having a movie night with a couple other people that night anyway. So we got there, and I was trying my best to remain as calm as possible.... and then I walked in the door. There he was sitting in the back corner, and I found myself no longer focusing on trying to stay calm, but merely trying not to collapse. It didn't help that the lady behind the counter was on the phone and in no hurry to get off. Meanwhile, Briana was busy quietly pointing him out to my mom... who wasnt picking up on the hints. and once she did.. (according to Briana) she got this dissapointed look on her face. Thanks a lot mom...
So yeah, I managed to get the business part of everything done without anything embarrassing happening. I was taken to the other waiting room and while I was sitting there with that black velvet shawl thing restricting all arm movement, I couldn't help it, I was casting a few sideways glances. A few of which I caught him looking at me, and vice versa. The last time, I looked over and then he saw me, got a little smile on his face... I turned away and then couldn't help smiling myself. And then I looked over again... and he had gotten up, and walked over the the waiting room I was in. He sat down next to this other guy who he was waiting for and started talking about something random. And I was dying to say something, I needed to say something. I couldn't be sitting right there next to him and not say something, especially since it had been so long and I needed some excuse to break the silence between us... And of course, it was at that moment when the photographer called me in to take the pictures.
I was so frazzled it took me a while to calm down, and the photographer was so nice, he kept trying to calm me down telling me there was nothing to worry about. My pictures looked really good though, at least I had that to be happy about. Otherwise I was sort of in a daze for a while.
I was glad to have my friends over that night though, even with the crazy amount of teasing and threatening that I HAVE to talk to him on monday. I still spend a good amount of time gorging on comfort food.

So yeah, I'm not exactly sure what the point of this was, a chance to vent a little? I'm sure it doesn't make the most sense, since being sick is making my brain all fuzzy.

Prom

Since I don't really have anything new to talk about, and I would not want to bore the Internet with ramblings on how I feel miserable... I decided to go back and talk about something that people here in the U.S. make a huge deal about. Prom.

Okay, well first thing is first. It is not anywhere close to what society has made it out to be. Yes it is a lot of fun, but it is not going to be the best night of your life. The one thing that is realistic about everything is the mad scramble to get a date. That is a pain in the butt. I wouldn't say it caused a lot of drama... but at least in my case, there was quite a bit of disappointment. No worries though, this story does have a happy ending.

A couple months before prom, like mid-February, was when everything started. It sort of happened one say, we were all sitting in class when some kid came on over the announcements and asked a girl if she would want to go to prom with him. (apparently my school has a secret challenge claiming that if you are the first person to ask someone over the announcements then you can get a free ticket.) Everyone was a little confused since it was so early and we had just had winter formal like the weekend prior, but even though no one knew it the mad rush had begun.
It was like I just blinked and the whole mood around me had changed. Suddenly every single girl was talking about dress shopping and what boys they wanted to go with. I stood out on the sidelines, it wasn't that I didn't want to participate in this epitome of all "girl talks" but it was the fact that i knew deep down that no matter how hard I would try... no one would want to go with me, the 6 foot tall girl who towered over almost everyone else. So to save myself from some bitter disappointment I had decided that I would simply not go. Amanda had already changed her mind from deciding not to go, to being super enthusiastic about it. I had felt as if our sentiments about the issue had completely flip-flopped. It wasn't long until her persistence had convinced me to go again, but I only had one condition: that she had to go dress shopping with me.  I had no idea how hard that task was going to be...
We decided that we were going shopping over spring break. We got to the mall ( a place I normally hate as I absolutely DETEST shopping) and we went straight to Macy's as we knew they had a good selection. I had fun.. in the beginning, but as the day went on and we went from store to store trying dress after dress, I had come to the realization that even dresses knew that I was too tall for prom. Even the longest ones we could find would fall at an inch above my ankle at its longest. We tried fro 2 days straight... and could come up with nothing. I was miserable and fed up with the experience. So I pushed it out of my mind for a while... and focused on my other problem; my serious lack of a date.
I was hoping for one of 2 people to ask me, they were both people I was crushing on at the time ( one of them I really didn't know but I thought he was really attractive, and then the other ... well... hes the guy I mentioned in the last post). But, as time went on I found that neither of those options was going to be a reality. Boy #1 wasn't even going to be around that weekend, but Boy #2 ... he ended up asking this other girl, and I felt as if someone had punched a hole through my stomach when I found out. I had talked to him about it later on in a class we had together, when another kid in our group brought it up, and it was that conversation that made me realize that maybe he liked me too.
So... as far as I was concerned I was out of luck, and was kicking myself that I had ever gotten my hopes up in the first place. Then Amanda, I swear this girl is a saint, gave me my solution. She told me to take her little brother, Ryan, who is another good friend of mine. And before I could even think about if I really wanted to do that or not, she had decided for me and promptly told both of her parents. So the three of them were constantly asking me if I had asked him yet and at that point, even if I didn't want to go with him I really didn't have a choice. I still was pathetic about it though, and even though we were super close and everything I couldn't even ask him without Amanda standing there prompting me. I swear she will never let me live it down.
I had now solved one of my problems, and with only a week and a half until April 28th I still had yet to find a dress. My mom took me to a bridal shop after school one day to see if I could finally find something. The ladies in there were so cute, they wanted me to try on everything just so I could model it for them, because apparently I had the body they had been looking for for a long time. I was on a limited schedule though, so I had to get serious and find something. Most of the things they put me in made me feel super uncomfortable, I felt like more of my skin was showing then the fabric that was supposedly covering me. I mean, I'm not conservative by any terms, but I certainly wasn't going to be raunchy. And then, I saw it. The red Bridesmaids dress. It was gorgeous. I tried it on and even though it was like 4 sizes too big i knew that that was my dress. And the best part was, it was actually long enough!!! The ladies altered it for me and I picked it up just a few days before the dance.

So I know I said before that it wont be the best night of your life, but I had so much fun it was probably pretty close to it. It was one of the few times in my life where I truly felt pretty, and I had so much fun dancing and screaming out the songs on the dance floor that I never wanted the night to end. Though I think the most entertaining part of the night was the dress watching, some of those girls looked so tacky I had to laugh. I mean one girl showed up wearing a cutout dress... with a cheetah print bra underneath. I mean really?!?
So yeah, that is my prom story. I know it isn't exactly the most exciting thing ever, but I figured there are so many stereotypical stories out there that I should contribute my more normal everyday girl story, and not the hyped up pretty girl ones.  And to go with it, here are a couple of my favorite pictures from that night.

From left to right: Cassidy, Amanda, me, Ryan

Sorry about that..

OK... well I can't say that I have been the most consistent blogger, and I can't promise that I will start to be one. But Amanda keeps bothering me about the fact that I never post on here and so I finally decided to post again.
Considering it has been almost a year since I have written in this thing... a lot has happened. Big things like a trip to Florida, writing a 4000 word research paper on the impact of vikings on the English language, a lot of school/stress, prom, summer, raising a lamb, going on a cross country college trip and starting senior year.... which hasn't been nearly as fantastic as it has been made out to be.
Honestly... these past few weeks have been horribly miserable. There was something that I had done this summer that seemed like it was a good thing at the time... but now... well, I lost a really good friend as far as I can tell. So yeah, I have been depressed. REALLY depressed. This guy meant a lot to me... and yeah, I have had a huge crush on him for a really long time, but I never cared about anything so long as I never lost his friendship. That hasn't exactly been working out...
So yeah, my mom has been calling me the zombie and is starting to get really concerned. I guess I'm alright, I just don't laugh as much anymore... and I frequently feel lonely, even when my friends are around. If it wasn't for all of them I don't know what I would do. They are honestly the most wonderful thing I have in my life. Everyone deserves to be surrounded with people as caring and wonderful as they are. I feel so lucky that they are able to put up with me all the time, not many people can. I love you guys. So much.
Speaking of friends. Last night was a party to celebrate my friend Hagop's birthday. Now you must understand that none of my friends approve of what typical teenage parties are like. We find the idea of those sorts of things incredibly boring. Instead we have murder mystery dinners, camp outs, play games, and eat amazing food. Not only is it more fun but you can remember everything the next day and there is no risk of getting in trouble. Anyway... last night, oh my gosh it was probably the best party I have ever been to in my entire life. We got to Hagop's house and we all brought Nerf dart guns so that we can play Humans vs. Zombies around his whole neighborhood. It turned into a long team challenge thing where we were running away from each other and "stunning" one another with all of the darts.  We then ate a bunch of pizza and played lap tag. The most intense game of lap tag to ever have existed. If you have never heard of lap tag you are sooo missing out. It is incredible. It's is my favorite game.  Hands. Down. You get really tired and bruised but it is so worth every second of it. So once we got tired enough to stop we went back to Hagop's house... ate the most beautiful cake I have ever seen, and then planned out how we were goint to "murder" the Spongebob pinata. Most amazing time I have had in a long time? I think yes.

:)

I'm so happy right now. Today was perfect, absolutely perfect.
Can't explain it online, well I could, but i don't feel like it. so here's a song that just adds to my happiness :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpdh4pPl0Ck&ob=av3n

life is moving too fast for me

It's late, I'm tired, but I can't fall asleep. not a good thing... I need rest... bad.
There's a lot I want to say, but no way to say it. It has been that way for me a lot recently, that I can't put my thoughts or anything into words, or that I'm really not sure I would want to hear them come out of my mouth myself. It's hard to deal with, wanting soo badly to tell someone everything inside your head, but then not being able to say it. At least this is better then the way I was last week, feeling guilty and upset and confused all because I was trying to force myself to feel a certain way. But it got to the point where the pain that was causing me filled me with so much exhaustion that I stopped. So, I feel happier now, but more afraid of myself at the same time.
I feel like no matter what I do... I'm not going to be happy with myself or have people not be happy with me, or both.
oh yeah... and finals are coming soon. I really don't want to have to deal with finals, not now.. can't we just skip them or something. hide, climb over to the happier side of the rainbow, go to Sweden and start over, something?
yay for midnight positivity.

:/

I can't explain the disappointment I am feeling right now. The cast party for Cinderella that was supposed to be tonight got cancelled because the family that was hosting it got sick. So... now I have no freaking clue what I am going to do. Not because I want something to do tonight but because that cast party was my one good opportunity... that I no longer have.
So I guess all I feel is anger at myself for not listening to my mom... for not getting up that bit of courage and to say what I need to say.. to make things right again...
ugghhh... what the heck am I going to do... :(