Today was rough. I'm still a little sick, almost completely better, but it still affects me a little bit. So the fact that there was a lot that happened today that nearly set me over the edge didnt help much. I got so exhausted from the stress of it hall that when I got to my moms classroom afterschool to get a ride home, I ended up falling asleep. On the floor. For an hour. I didn't even realize that I was tired before that happened.
So it started of with a presentation in my history class this morning about a trip that we can do in February that is called Sojourn to the Past. I've really wanted to go for a long time, but the presentation is meant to be emotional, and I was prepared for that (I mean last year I spoke to Elizabeth Eckford on the phone and burst into tears, so I couldnt get any more emotional then I had then). What I wasn't prepared for was the fact that I would constantly have flashbacks to conversations that I had forgotten about. You see, this whole trip is about the civil rights movement, and last year when I was talking to that certain person that I have been mentioning a lot recently, the time when we really got close and talk about everything... was during that portion of the year. So I was sitting in the auditorium listening when all of a sudden there was something the guy said that hit something, and I found myself trying my best to not make my sudden flashbacks nocitceable. And it KEPT HAPPENING! I was so confused and I couldn't focus on anything... except the image in my head of the way that he would smile at me every time I would laugh at something he said. And I would sit there, smiling down at my paper thinking about it... until the effects wore off. At that point all I felt was that emptiness I've been feeling a lot recently.
By the time I got through chemistry I was completely drained, I just wanted to be done with the day. I was also wishing that tomorrow could come sooner because Ceramics is the one class where I can distract myself long enough to feel somewhat better for a while. Plus there isn't anything better than sitting at a table with nothing but a lump of clay and some creativity to aid you in making something really cool. Anyway, I was walking out of class, when of course I saw him walking in the opposite direction as me... I pretended I didn't notice and looked a way a little but so that I could still see what he would do when we passed eachother. And when I saw him look back at me, I knew it wasn't a lot but it was enough to make me feel a little better about things. It's stupid I know, but I found it reassuring that maybe things are still salvageable.
Unfortunately, my reassurance wouldn't stand up to my friends. They have been pressuring me to talk to him for a while now. Which makes sense, and I don't deny that it needs to happen, but the fact that they think it would be ok to walk up to him in front of all of his friends and try to talk to him would be is insane. Yeah I know there isn't going to be that opportune moment that will just appear, but I mean, can't I wait until he's somewhat alone. But the pressure was really bad at lunch today, I was miserable, they were relentless. And then one of them made the comment that I was going to end up the way I was freshman year all over again. THAT stung. It's not like I'm not trying, every single time we switch classes I'm looking in the hallways in case I see him and he's a lone enough so that I can at least say hi.
It's just so strange, how can I go from being able to talk to him about anything and everything to being terrified to even smile at him in the hallway. I can't even express how pathetic I feel right now. And the worst part is, there was a perfect time at which I could talk to him today, but because everyone had been pressuring me so much I could no longer find any words in general, let alone to be able to talk to him. So.... I walked away. And as soon as I did I was so mad at myself.
I have never been more aggravated with myself in my life. I really wish I could just grow up, get more confidence... something, before I really do lose him completely.....
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