I am absolutely exhausted, have already fallen asleep on the couch. So logic would tell me to go to sleep and wait until tomorrow morning to write this. Nahh... I'll do it now anyway.
So as is obvious from my second most recent post, everything has gone horribly wrong. I'm not going into details because frankly, it's still really painful, and because its obvious my friends didn't want to tell me everything to keep me from being too upset. I'm glad for that because as it is I'm having a real hard time dealing with everything.
I was really upset yesterday, and didn't want to go to the football game because of the fact that i knew it would only make me feel worse. I'm really glad I did end up going, it had a different effect than I had expected it to. I only know this because I'm not a giant ball of tears and chocolate right now. But, I am hurting, bad. I'm trying not to show it, and most of the time I really am fine, I can go around and laugh and be happy like normal. All good signs. I had even been fool enough that I might have even gotten over it enough to completely not care in the span of a little over one day. Yeah... I was wrong. That's going to take a while. But it has nothing to do with the fact that he doesn't like me. No, I honestly couldn't care less about that at this point. It's a combination of a couple things.
1. I feel like I am a complete idiot for ever saying anything to the effect that I liked him because I now have lost a friend.
2. The fact that after three years of being able to confide pretty much anything in each other and all of the laughing and teasing and whathaveyou, he didn't even have the decency to tell me any of this to my face. Or to skip this whole mess and just have been honest to begin with, instead of the load of absolute crap I got instead.
3. Coming to terms with the fact that we are never going to talk to each other again. That didn't really sink in (honestly I still don't think it has fully done so) until the game tonight, and I almost burst into tears. To think that this has all come down to the point where one of the few people I had tried my hardest to maintain a friendship with, pretty much wants to avoid even agknowledging my existence... I feel like someone has punched me in the face.
4. Realizing that he is nothing like what I thought he was. So now every memory I have of him is tainted with immature douche bag. I don't even smile when I think back to old conversations anymore, it all just feels like one massive lie.
That and I realized that if he does decide to talk to me again, it is going to take a hell of a lot of restraint to keep me from screaming. I feel so much anger and pain at this point, that I can't even comprehend having a normal conversation with him. All I see in my head is anger, and quite a lot of some very inappropriate language. And for me, that is a big deal, because I try my hardest not to hate or dislike anyone no matter what they thought about me or anything. And up until this point, I have been pretty good at maintaining that... but I feel so betrayed right now that I can't help it.
So yeah, we aren't friends anymore. We never will be, nor will we ever come close to that again. I still wish him the best, but I am done. I no longer want anything to do with him. Ever.
No comments:
Post a Comment