I've never really fit in. When I was younger I would always try to be excepted by others. Well, I guess that never really has stopped, as much as I would like to think that it has.
I'm not really sure what it is, or why it has always been this way, but something about my personality just doesn't really seem to mesh with most people. It's not that I have anger issues or like to show off, maybe I can get to emotional? I don't know, but for the sake of this post... it really doesn't matter.
There has always been a couple of people that I have found through the various stages of my life, who like me don't exactly fit in with what is considered the "norm,"but those people always change because they start to mix in and drift away eventually... and I just stay put. I know I have changed as a person, thank goodness! But, I feel like there are parts of me that have never changed ... but everyone around me seems to grow out of it and move on, leaving me behind.
And it's not like it's just my personality, my appearance is different too. I never "dress to impress" I dress to what fits my mood, so I will frequently show up to school in just jeans, sweatshirt and pony tail, without makeup. I never wear makeup... which i guess, for a 17 year old girl... can be considered a little strange? Plus it doesn't help that I'm 6 feet tall. That alone causes problems. People always try to tell me otherwise, but at the same time... the comments about it never stop. Even members of my own family have commented on the fact that I am too tall for guys around here, that guys my age are intimidated by my height, that I will never get cast in shows because I am too tall, and even though I can be perfectly qualified for a role and the director might even want me since I'm not short enough... I won't be cast. It's happened to my mom, the director even talked to her about it afterwords and apologized for the fact that there was nothing he could do about how society views these things.
And its things like this about our society that really bother me. No matter how accepting we claim to be, there always seems to be this cookie cutter idea of what things should be, and it's not going away any time soon. And again, going back to the height thing... in heterosexual relationships, it is perfectly acceptable for men to be taller, and significantly taller at that, than a woman. but if that is the other way around, as much as people will deny it, they will think it is funny or odd. I know this is true because when I saw a couple where the woman was a lot taller than the man she was with, my friends and the people around me started snickering. I didn't say anything, in fact, I just wanted to cry. I was only twelve at the time but I knew that someday... that was going to be me, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I know it shouldn't bother me what other people think. But I have never really had a very strong self-esteem and so after a long time of people making comments about it.... all you can really see is the negative. I wish this would change, especially since there are so many other girls out there like me... some have it even worse than I do, and they are all going through the exact same thing.
Even on the Internet, I was just looking through some other blogs here on blogger and I don't even fit on this website. Apparently, blogging is more for adults sharing recipes or parents documenting their families lives. So far as I can see, there are no other teenagers venting about their problems. Not that that is even surprising, the extent of blogging that most teenagers do is going on tumblr, which I think is a poor excuse for blogging. There is is hardly ever any actual expression of ideas on there, but rather just constantly reposting other quotes and pictures that other people have posted trying to rack up as many followers as possible.
But you know what, I'm tired of impressing other people or trying to fit in. Maybe this has been my problem all along. I have never really allowed myself the time to be myself, rather I have been entirely focused on what other people would think of me if I was in a specific situation. No more. I need to start accepting myself for who I am, and not who others think I should be.
I'm proud of my blog, I like being able to express what I'm going through and seeing that other people are actually reading it. I don't want to wish I was shorter anymore because if I was... then I wouldn't be who I am. If people are going to judge me, fine. go ahead. Don't expect me to judge anyone back because I won't. I don't need to waste my time on things like that. I have much more important things to worry about, like college apps, school, homework, 4-H, helping my friends with their problems, enjoying life, accomplishing my goals and just being the best version of my that I can be.
And nothing is going to get in the way of that.
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