failure

So... I failed. I made a promise to myself, annnnndddd I broke it. That promise was even reinforced by a dare that was essentially an ultimatum. And I still didn't follow through.
I can't tell you how awful I feel about it. I was so determined to talk to him that I was sure that I was going to commit to my goal.  I came so close. 3 fricken times. I could have had this all over with. Done. I wouldn't have to worry... but no. Instead I'm sitting on my bed furious with myself for being so pathetic that I can't even manage to speak to the one person that I've been dying to talk to for the past three months. I can't even begin to explain how horrible I feel, I'm just a big fat loser who is slowly getting to a point where I'm going to lose a good friend forever.
I cried. I was so upset with the fact that I couldn't do it, that I cried. I managed to walk far enough away so that I wasn't standing there in the parking lot crying in front of his friends but still. I felt so childish. I still do.

And yeah, I know I have tomorrow... but that's been the excuse Ive been making since school has started and I didn't want there to be a hope that I will succeed tomorrow. I want to be done with this, I want to be able to talk to him again, like the way we used to talk. I don't need anything else. I just can't stand this awkward situation we are in. I just want to go back to the way we were... is that to much to ask?


This wasn't the post I was expecting, I'm really sorry... I was going to talk about my weekend and how amazing it was, but I needed to vent. Maybe I'll tell you in the next couple of days.