Sudden Burst of Courage.

I'm gonna do it... I can't take this anymore. I'm sick of this silence, I need to say something and soon. I can't even sleep anymore. This isnt healthy, I can't keep going on like this. I'm done with reassuring myself with the fact that one day I will wake up and either have enough courage to say something or things will just work out so that I dont have to day much. NO, that's not going to happen. I'm not going to suddenly wake up and be courageous. Courage is being scared to death about something and then still going to get it done anyway. And that's what I have to do. Otherwise, nothing will ever happen, we probably won't get back to the way we used to be and I will forever look back and be so angry with myself that I never said anything. Never took the chance....
Maybe I'm not exactly sure what to say, maybe I'm getting my hopes up for nothing... but at this point, getting it over with is better then this miserable state I have been in. And if things work out, then GREAT! I don't think I could comprehend how happy I would be. But if it doesn't.... well then maybe after 3 years of this internal struggle I can finally bring myself to attempt to move on. I have no idea how thats going to happen, or exactly how painful that would be. But I'm not going to think about that unless it happens. For right now I just need to focus on the fact that I NEED to talk to him. Because I feel ridiculous. And I want to know. More than anything.
And I can't say I have ever had experience with any of this, and I have no idea what any form of that "L" word feels like. But I know for sure that what I feel is not the same as any other crush I have ever had, no way. He means so much more than that. Everything about this kid... every story, every fault, every disagreement. Everything. It's just perfect. Honestly, I couldn't imagine anyone else that can make me feel as if even my worst faults are normal. And every single insecurity I have... it's like they don't exsist when he's around. And I'm not exaggerating. I could go on for hours, but that isn't something for the internet.
Someday, I'll be able to tell him all of this, it won't be for a while, but it is going to happen. Probably when we graduate... and I am going to plan it because I can't just bear out my soul like that on a whim. Especially when it involves him, because he means too much to me. It wouldnt be good enough.

So yeah, I guess this is my sudden splurge of courage. The point where I completely admit everything and no longer can stand it. If its not tomorrow, then Monday. And thus, what I thought was going to be a short post of just a couple of lines.... turns into another rant. Not a surprise, I tend to ramble a little bit when it comes to this stuff. You have no idea how hard it has been to hide everything from him for this long. That has definitely been so much harder than saying anything I need to say to him in the comming days will be.
Wish me luck.