:)

I'm so happy right now. Today was perfect, absolutely perfect.
Can't explain it online, well I could, but i don't feel like it. so here's a song that just adds to my happiness :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpdh4pPl0Ck&ob=av3n

life is moving too fast for me

It's late, I'm tired, but I can't fall asleep. not a good thing... I need rest... bad.
There's a lot I want to say, but no way to say it. It has been that way for me a lot recently, that I can't put my thoughts or anything into words, or that I'm really not sure I would want to hear them come out of my mouth myself. It's hard to deal with, wanting soo badly to tell someone everything inside your head, but then not being able to say it. At least this is better then the way I was last week, feeling guilty and upset and confused all because I was trying to force myself to feel a certain way. But it got to the point where the pain that was causing me filled me with so much exhaustion that I stopped. So, I feel happier now, but more afraid of myself at the same time.
I feel like no matter what I do... I'm not going to be happy with myself or have people not be happy with me, or both.
oh yeah... and finals are coming soon. I really don't want to have to deal with finals, not now.. can't we just skip them or something. hide, climb over to the happier side of the rainbow, go to Sweden and start over, something?
yay for midnight positivity.

:/

I can't explain the disappointment I am feeling right now. The cast party for Cinderella that was supposed to be tonight got cancelled because the family that was hosting it got sick. So... now I have no freaking clue what I am going to do. Not because I want something to do tonight but because that cast party was my one good opportunity... that I no longer have.
So I guess all I feel is anger at myself for not listening to my mom... for not getting up that bit of courage and to say what I need to say.. to make things right again...
ugghhh... what the heck am I going to do... :(

oh goodness...

I have spent so long thinking about whether or not it would be fun to have a reunion of my 8th grade graduation class... and then a message pops up for one.  And as I was reading through the 300 comments that popped up within an hour I realized how much I really DIDN'T want to take part.  Most of the people that are planning it I no longer get a long with or they don't like me.. so why bother. Sure there are a bunch of people that I miss but i don't think its worth my time... especially right before finals.
On another note, thanks to the amazing wonderful reasoning of my mother I finally was able to realize where I stand emotionally with my problems. She also gave me good advice on what i should do, I just hope I will be able to follow through before the party on Saturday. Because otherwise this is going to get bad. fast.

I'm also planning on waking up in a few hours to do a bunch of English homework for tomorrow that i have yet to start. Yay for me and my skrewed up life!

ohhhh boy.. here we go again

Sitting in class. Don't want to work on what I'm supposed to... The only thing keeping me awake is the fact that Amanda is sitting next to me talking about her day dreams... yes Amanda they do sound perfect :). And shes dressed up like the people from the matrix. How cool is that.  And shes embarrassed, and excited and i cant really tell how she feels... besides super excited for you know who to come home. OH yes... just another day in English class.
I just hop we dont start singing red solo cup... i think its going to head that way.. too late...

Thanksgiving!

Happy start to the holidays everyone! For the first time this year I'm actually exited... which is good. Been listening to Christmas music for the past hour or so, sending wishes to my friends to have a happy thanksgiving, and spending time in the kitchen peeling potatoes with my mom. Yeah... today is definitely a good day. Also my dad invited this guy he works with from Belarus (hes here for a few days because their finishing a product or something) to dinner tonight.  Now you must understand that thanksgiving for my family isn't the traditional american Thanksgiving that everyone else has.  We get together with a bunch of family friends that are all from different parts of Scandinavia (my dad's an immigrant so we don't have his side of the family around) and have a very Scandinavian Thanksgiving.  Its always fun.. but usually I get rather bored cuz there isn't anyone my age to talk to. But whatever, the gorging on food is worth it. SOOOO worth it. :)

P.S. I'm sorry about a few of my past posts.... I've been a fairly bad place lately.... I'll try not to vent so much in the future.

Cinderella

Well... the fall play is over, sadness hasn't really set in yet. Though I'm not sure it's going to this time. There was a lot of stuff that happened behind the scenes that really made me uncomfortable... but I'm not going to go into that here... it isn't appropriate. But I am going to be dreaming about Cinderella falling in love with the prince at the ball and singing all the songs over and over again until my head will explode.
Oh the stuff theatre does to you...

uh oh...

Math IA + 2 tests + Benchmark for ESS due +Tech week/Performances for Cinderella = no sleep for the next 6 days
good god this is going to be a long week.
save. me.

fragments

I wish I could give myself a break but I'm not sure there is a way I could do that without isolating myself from society.  I think the fact that I am so confused has come from the fact that the multiple guys that are in my mind at the moment ( fyi that's a really bad thing for me, I can only handle one crush at a time to maintain sanity) have certain characteristics that I really like, so I have seemed to morph them all into one giant lump in my minds eye...  but in reality the fragments i lump together into one ideal guy are fragmented.  I'm starting to believe that its my brain telling me that I really shouldn't be liking anyone at the moment, but the rest of me is really in need of it.  I need someone who fills the different aspects: the one that can relate to my background, the one who seemed to think that I was worthwhile even when I didn't think so, and the one who could make me laugh/ be a really good friend.  Being a hopeless romantic really screws with your head sometimes... that's probably the reason for all these really bad headaches I've been having.  I need a change of environment where I can start over and forget about all these past memories and move on.

because its the best way I can think of to express it, I'm going to input some song lyrics."Secret's out, that I just might care about you
You broke me, you're leaving
There's nothing I can do

I'll find a way to close the door
I want to say so much more but
I found you once, you're lost again
Two thousand miles took what could have been

I don't want to
Won't let myself
I have to realize
This might be
This could be
This is goodbye"

I don't even know...

I don't even know what to think. My head hurts with all this confusion. I'd like to vent but I can't. I'm not sure how I am supposed to think anymore. I keep thinking that just sleeping on it would help, but it never does.
But I think whats getting to me the most is that it's November. That means Thanksgiving is getting really close... too close.. which means I can't hide from my emotions anymore. And I have no clue what is going to happen, all I know is that it's going to be bad and I really don't want it to come. Can't we go back in time or something, or speed time up. Something that can help me get away, get away from the fact that I have no closure, get away from everything that reminds me of it all, get away from thinking about him for more then a week, get away from all the what if's and what could have been's.... away from this pain that keeps eating me away. 

But there isn't anything I can do to avoid it. Ever. I am caught in this trap forever. All the holiday get togethers, the christmas cards, the small talk, the mere mention of things that I associate with him.
Why is it that the things we try hardest to push away are the things we are never able to? Why is it so hard to let go and forget about all these strong emotions even after you think you have moved on. How come no one seems to respect the fact that you are having a hard time and that your emotions are a lot stronger and more difficult to get rid of then a lot of other things? Why is it that people tell me to get over it when I am having a hard time, yet when they are sad I will always try to be there for them? Why is it that I can't sleep at night because of all of these questions running through my head? Why is it that I can only release all this emotion by venting out on this keyboard for the world to see on this blog? Why is this so freaking hard?
345 days ago... my view of the world changed. And now......I've been left in this horrible feeling of swirling through options for escape and redemption. 

It's interesting how someone can change you so much.... 

Bad cramps, Bad mood, Bad day

There was just something about today that made it just absolutely awful. Maybe it was the fact that my pain killers decided not to work,  maybe that only 2 of my 6 teachers were there today,or it was because all of my subs were slightly obscure or had very strange names, or the fact that one of my birds died today, but most likely it was that something else that was just making my life miserable that has yet to make itself clear.
I hate starting my week like this, a miserable Monday that just makes the rest of the week seem as if it will be completely bleak and hopeless.  I really, REALLY don't need that right now. Not after having a  headache all weekend because of all the middle schoolers that wouldn't respect my authority as their stage manager in their play. Not before the fact that I have a whole haunted house to plan for and set up this week.  And most certainly not after I've convinced myself that I'm failing in every category of my life. uggghhhhhhhh.
life is miserable today.

I'm sorry

i was stupid and shouldn't have said it, so its all gone now.

Homecoming and Junk

Wow... ok, so I have been really busy lately and haven't really had any time to post anything. Sorry about that. I'll try to be more frequent in the future.
Where to begin? Well, last week was homecoming week at my school so the entirety of my time was spent making completely over the top costumes for each spirit day that week (in order: P.J./cereal day, Toy Story Day, 90's day, Hall theme day, and Purple Friday).  Wednesday night was hall decorating night, and if you don't know what that is, it's when the different classes get 4 hours to decorate the hallway in the school their class is assigned and in the weeks prior the classes meet to come up with decorations and the theme for their hall. This year, my class (The Juniors) chose Sponge Bob as our hall theme and we had sooooo many things prepared it was amazing. I was soo happy with the way it all turned out, especially since we ended up beating the Seniors!!!!! Anyways... yeah and then the Homecoming game was... interesting.  It was really sad because we ended up losing the game but I had a LOT of fun with my friends ( Though I got a little bit.... overwhelmed during halftime).  But as the game ended, I don't know what it was, but I ended up getting really depressed and stayed that way for pretty much the entire rest of the weekend.
On the other hand... on Saturday night my family and I all went to the Keith Urban concert which was AAAMMMMAAAZZZZZIIINGGGG, I had a lot of fun and am really looking forward to the next time he comes around here.
So, getting more current. Yesterday I was in my IBESS (IB Environmental Systems and Societies) class and my teacher who is very pregnant started to look really uncomfortable and she said that the baby was moving around a lot more then usual. The other teacher in the class, the one that will take her place once she goes on maternity leave, started freaking out thinking that she was going into early labor and had her go into another room to lay down and she would run the class, even though she didnt know anything about what she was supposed to be taught that day  ( It's not like anyone could have predicted that). Then instead of running class  as it normally goes, she starts talking about all of her kids and all her different pregnancy stories.  I had to laugh because it COMPLETELY made me think of my freshman year ICAP Biology class when I had her as my teacher before. It made for a really strange and high-strung class though.
Anyway, yeah this was just a catch up as to why i really haven't said anything in the past week and a half ... I'll try to do something more interesting tomorrow.. or later this week, depending on when I'm able to.

sleepovers and bunnies

So last night I slept over at a good friends house. And there's something about talking about life at two in the morning that you can't really get at any other time of the day.  I'm not sure why, it's almost as if there's a certain part of the brain that only functions at that time of night and it helps you to see the world clearly.  Now its not like we were talking about anything philosophical, it was just typical stuff that girls talk about at sleepovers, crushes and being catty about people that have been bugging us recently.  But, as I get older, and sleepovers get less and less frequent, I start to realize how much i crave them.  Because, besides the fact that everything seems to be a lot clearer so late at night, its also the fact that you get soo tired, that you no longer feel embarrassed to tell the little minute details of things that happen ( usually involving something a crush does).
Well this blog made a lot more sense in my head, but I guess that's because I can admit to myself details of what happened that I can't admit online... or to really anyone else for that matter.  But I don't know, there's a certain feeling that you get in your stomach when you talk about those sorts of things... it's soo appealing. The fact that you hardly ever get any sleep and that comfort really isn't an option has no effect on it.
So, when I got home today and was mulling over everything we talked about last night I lost track of what I was supposed to be doing at the moment. My mom approached my saying that Lizzie (my 2 year old French Lop who is essentially my baby) apparently had something wrong with her eyes besides the fact that she has fur mites.  I freaked out thinking it was weepy eye ( a disease in rabbits that cant be cured and can kill them if its bad enough) and ran back to the rabbit hutch.  I got really scared when I saw her laying on her side when I got up there. She slowly got to her feet but she didn't turn around and say hi to me like she always does.. and something seemed wrong. I got her out of her hutch to see of she would act like she normally does when she hopped around which she did, though seemingly slower. I'm starting to get really scared, I love that rabbit more then ANYTHING in the world, she acts more like a dog then a rabbit, but ever since the time when she prolapsed/ injured her back she seems to slowly be getting worse... I know its going to shorten her life dramatically, but I'm not sure what I would do if I lost her... I don't even want to think about it.
I'm sorry for the awkwardness of this post, I'm really tired, worried, and stressed out about a bunch of stuff right now. I'll try to make more sense of things later.

school vs. sleep

Do you ever have those days where yous just SO tired in school that you can't even yawn or fall asleep. Yeah ... that was me today, I spent ALL day yesterday working on homework from 10 a.m. to 2 a.m. And then wasn't able to fall asleep.  so the 3 hours I did manage to get were all i was running on today. But I guess I have to get used to that this year..... ugh. So its either lack of sleep and being cranky all the time, or bad grades and not getting the IB diploma.  Oh shucks, well i guess sleep is going to be a luxury this year.

But sometimes I have to wonder, we are pressured with so much homework all the time, to the point where some people have to go and get professional help under the stress.  And all we are told is that we have to do well and do all this if we want colleges to accept us.  Do colleges really want zombie students who need medical help because of all the stress they have been placed under? I thought they wanted people that would be unique and do well in school, as well as doing a few things that make them a well rounded person. Do you ever feel like that? That no matter what you do, it's never enough, and that everyone is just swallowed in a big dark hole of expectations that they can never fill. 

I also thought that high schools were going to lay off on the pressure, trying to help us get through things so that we feel encouraged to get into college, not deterred by the fact that we wont be able to please the colleges we want to get into.  And what about those people who try so hard to be perfect, and even when they seem to be, some sort of authoritative figure is always undermining them and focusing on the negative instead of all the wonderful things that person has accomplished. 

I can't tell you how much I am aggravated by this, not everyone is capable to be incredibly book smart, but they still should have the right to get into college.  Because, believe it or not, there ARE jobs out there, and some good ones too, that don't necessarily require you to be book smart. And one of the biggest things colleges focus on for accepting people is SAT scores! Are you kidding me!!!  Those tests are DESIGNED to test you knowledge based on things that AREN'T taught in your classes. Ad those people who just aren't good test takers are out of luck, because those tests don't take that into account.  Have colleges not realized this? Not everyone can show their knowledge in the same way. 

Now don't get me wrong, I am not trying to criticize colleges and universities for doing things wrong. They have been around for a HECK of a lot longer then I have so they probably know better anyway. I just think that some of the things that are viewed as important in today's education need to be reconsidered a little bit. 

So, am i the only one that feels this way? or am I just incredibly oblivious to the greater truth. Or maybe, its the lack of sleep talking and not the fact that some things in out education system seem a bit odd. So.. what do you think?

Friendship and Attempted Suicide

To take a break from my massive amounts of homework I figured I should go back and recap a bit of my life since school has started.  I was completely happy and ready for the new year, without worrying about anything to cause me any distraction.  Then i get a voice mail at the end of the first week, from my friend, except he wasn't calling from his number, but instead from a mental institution.  He didn't explain why, but only said that he missed talking and wanted me to call him back. I freaked out. I called another friend (of whom he said he was planning on calling after) to figure out what had happened. She told me he had attempted suicide. I lost it, and cried for the next 2 days straight. What made it worse was the fact that the extensive amounts of homework i got prevented me from calling him until that following Wednesday.  That conversation resulted in more tears... lots more.
I would go into details, but considering this is a public website and for his sake I would like to keep this all private, I cant tell you any more then that.  Its been a couple weeks since then, but it still bothers me immensely and every time I watch something that mentions suicide I can't help but think about what would happen if he would try again, but this time he would actually succeed.  I wouldn't be able to bear losing one of my closest friends.

I'm trying everything I can to help, as well as trying to talk to him as often as I possibly can, but i don't think its getting through. He goes to a different school, and some of his friends aren't as caring as he needs them to be right now. Especially since his parents are very conservative and not so accepting, he needs to have comfort in other places.
I'm trying to help as best as I can, but as I've never been through something like this before... I'm not sure what else I can do. If anyone out there can provide some sort of guidance for me or is able to pray for my friend (only if you feel comfortable with it of course), that would be much appreciated.
Thank you, and I'll try to talk about something geared more towards you guys next time. I just needed to vent a little.  

Why Hello!

I've been debating starting a blog for a long time. Well, obviously I finally got around to doing it.  Hopefully it will be worth as much for you readers as it is for me, to explain my life as it happens, and hopefully help others with yours at the same time.
Well, i should get ahead of myself. I am a junior in High School and I am an IB diploma student. Okay yeah, that's one really generic boring piece of information, but i can't think of other ways of putting it. I've never been good at introductions, simple as that. But don't worry, you will get to know me eventually.
I decided to make this blog as a way of venting, but in a way that will be relatable and helpful enough so that if ever you get into a situation like whatever I'm going through at the moment, then you will have some reassurance that you are not alone.
Well... that sounded sappier then I expected, I'm sorry for that. I promise that I will get better at this blogging thing as time goes on. But for now, I'm going to leave you at that. I'm not going to get into the emotional drama on the first post, that's not right.
I'll write back as soon as I can.