Tuesday, March 19, 2013
update
Sorry I haven't posted in forever. Life has been incredible stressful in between hearing from colleges and all the work I have had to do. But that shall calm down by Friday and I promise multiple posts about the many things I have done/ are doing at the present time. Thanks :)
Monday, February 4, 2013
Please let this storm stop. I'm begging.
I'm feeling really discouraged at the moment. It seems as if everything keeps going wrong regardless of how I am approaching life. I haven't heard anything from any of my colleges recently and its gotten really frustrating. The state 4-H office is constantly giving me problems because they keep rejecting any attempts I have to help the program, most recently being a t-shirt design for the centennial. I'm overwhelmed with work for my All-Star project. I think worst of all is that I feel like I've felt so distanced from everyone recently, it feels as if I'm behind a wall and can only see whats going on but can't directly participate. It doesn't make it any better that everyone else is upset all the time.
I'm pretty much exhausted of everything right now and feel very much dejected. I hate to sound ranty but I need to get some of it off of my chest for now... though I can't really go into details.
And partly because it fits the mood of the post, this has been my favorite song recently. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1q3LEadIk3w
I'm pretty much exhausted of everything right now and feel very much dejected. I hate to sound ranty but I need to get some of it off of my chest for now... though I can't really go into details.
And partly because it fits the mood of the post, this has been my favorite song recently. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1q3LEadIk3w
Friday, January 25, 2013
My feelings at this moment.
Actually... I lied. I actually have more to talk about than posting a link to a song I discovered earlier today.
I want to backtrack a little bit. Last week when my rabbit died I wasn't really up to talking about anything because I was an absolute wreck, like collapsing into a heap of tears on the floor mess. And as much as I adored Sprinkles my sadness went far beyond her suddenly dying on me. I have 4 other rabbits, two of them are mine and the other two are my brothers. I had been preparing myself for a while now to go back there and find one of my other two rabbits dead, one of them is really old and the other isn't super old but has had various medical problems that have dramatically shortened her lifespan. So when I went to the rabbit barn to find Sprinkles dead and not Lizzie or Nutmeg it was like a confirmation that I am more than likely going to be rabbitless within the next year, something I certainly was not expecting. I love all of my animals to pieces, which I guess can be a weakness in some respects, especially when some of those animals are 4-H meat animals to start with, but I figure that they deserve to be loved unconditionally no matter what they are or how long they are going to be on this earth. So even though it may seem ridiculous that I have been mourning the loss of a rabbit, just know that she meant so much more than that to me.
On top of this, there has been a lot of problems in regards to what is going to happen with raising my lamb this year. I don't feel that it is appropriate to rag on people because of all of the drama that goes on, but I will say that I feel very hurt at the moment by someone I didn't expect it from. Also, as of right now... because of some of the actions that have taken place recently, I no longer have a breeder or a place to raise my lamb meaning that I might not have a lamb or a rabbit to show at the county fair this year... my last county fair I can participate in before I leave for college. Of course, all of this has happened in the past week and I can't even begin to express how frustrated and upset I am at pretty much everything because of it.
Finally, on something completely unrelated to 4-H, I am beginning to feel very down on myself. For one thing, my senior year has not been anything like I have expected and I haven't even gotten through one month without feeling absolutely miserable about something. This has also been the longest time I have gone without interest in anybody since I can't even remember when... and this lack of interest has led me to really question and degrade myself. This has been mainly about my height because everything that has happened in this past year has really opened my eyes to only only the immaturity of many of the people around me but also to the fact that people can't really get past the height issue. Many people don't really understand this, but when you always have to look down on almost all of your friends it begins to hurt you psychologically. Also being bombarded with images of couples where the woman is so much shorter than the man and all the scenarios that stem from that, and knowing that this will never be a possibility for a girl who is six feet tall really takes a toll after a while. Most of the time I am able to brush it off but lately it has really been getting me down. That and I just can't wait for a change of scenery.
So anyway, I have returned to ranting. If you enjoy that then fantastic! Feel free to enjoy my complaints. If you don't, sorry... I really don't know what else to say to that.
Here is the picture of Sprinkles that refused to upload before. Sorry for the delay.
I want to backtrack a little bit. Last week when my rabbit died I wasn't really up to talking about anything because I was an absolute wreck, like collapsing into a heap of tears on the floor mess. And as much as I adored Sprinkles my sadness went far beyond her suddenly dying on me. I have 4 other rabbits, two of them are mine and the other two are my brothers. I had been preparing myself for a while now to go back there and find one of my other two rabbits dead, one of them is really old and the other isn't super old but has had various medical problems that have dramatically shortened her lifespan. So when I went to the rabbit barn to find Sprinkles dead and not Lizzie or Nutmeg it was like a confirmation that I am more than likely going to be rabbitless within the next year, something I certainly was not expecting. I love all of my animals to pieces, which I guess can be a weakness in some respects, especially when some of those animals are 4-H meat animals to start with, but I figure that they deserve to be loved unconditionally no matter what they are or how long they are going to be on this earth. So even though it may seem ridiculous that I have been mourning the loss of a rabbit, just know that she meant so much more than that to me.
On top of this, there has been a lot of problems in regards to what is going to happen with raising my lamb this year. I don't feel that it is appropriate to rag on people because of all of the drama that goes on, but I will say that I feel very hurt at the moment by someone I didn't expect it from. Also, as of right now... because of some of the actions that have taken place recently, I no longer have a breeder or a place to raise my lamb meaning that I might not have a lamb or a rabbit to show at the county fair this year... my last county fair I can participate in before I leave for college. Of course, all of this has happened in the past week and I can't even begin to express how frustrated and upset I am at pretty much everything because of it.
Finally, on something completely unrelated to 4-H, I am beginning to feel very down on myself. For one thing, my senior year has not been anything like I have expected and I haven't even gotten through one month without feeling absolutely miserable about something. This has also been the longest time I have gone without interest in anybody since I can't even remember when... and this lack of interest has led me to really question and degrade myself. This has been mainly about my height because everything that has happened in this past year has really opened my eyes to only only the immaturity of many of the people around me but also to the fact that people can't really get past the height issue. Many people don't really understand this, but when you always have to look down on almost all of your friends it begins to hurt you psychologically. Also being bombarded with images of couples where the woman is so much shorter than the man and all the scenarios that stem from that, and knowing that this will never be a possibility for a girl who is six feet tall really takes a toll after a while. Most of the time I am able to brush it off but lately it has really been getting me down. That and I just can't wait for a change of scenery.
So anyway, I have returned to ranting. If you enjoy that then fantastic! Feel free to enjoy my complaints. If you don't, sorry... I really don't know what else to say to that.
Here is the picture of Sprinkles that refused to upload before. Sorry for the delay.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Sprinkles
I'm really sorry I keep flaking out on posting, I just feel like I don't have a lot of interesting things to say anymore. But don't give up on me yet, I won't leave you again like I did last year.
Today has been really rough, everything has been so surreal and I haven't stopped crying for pretty much the entire day. If it wasn't for all of my friend, especially Amanda, I probably wouldn't be able to function at all anymore.
I don't really want to talk too much about it because it physically hurts to cry at this point as my eyes are completely dried out. To put it simply, my French Lop Sprinkles died today. It's still a really sensitive topic so I'm only going to copy paste what I wrote on Facebook earlier and probably talk about it more later when I'm not so emotionally distraught.
When I first picked you out of the litter at 3 weeks old on Christmas Eve in 2010 I already knew that you were going to steal not only my heart but everyone else that ever saw you. Even then you had boundless energy and always wanted to meet someone new. You were so adorable, and everyone knew it. I can't even begin to count how many times someone walked up to me asking if they could buy you, but there was no way I was going to give up my baby. You have meant so much to me, and had I known that you were going to leave me so soon I would never had taken you for granted for even a moment. It feels as if my world has shattered because my baby bunny is no longer in it.
I miss you so much Sprinkles. Please know that I'll always love you.
R.I.P.
12/5/10 - 1/17/13
There was a picture that went with it but it refuses to upload right now, i"ll add it in later.
Today has been really rough, everything has been so surreal and I haven't stopped crying for pretty much the entire day. If it wasn't for all of my friend, especially Amanda, I probably wouldn't be able to function at all anymore.
I don't really want to talk too much about it because it physically hurts to cry at this point as my eyes are completely dried out. To put it simply, my French Lop Sprinkles died today. It's still a really sensitive topic so I'm only going to copy paste what I wrote on Facebook earlier and probably talk about it more later when I'm not so emotionally distraught.
When I first picked you out of the litter at 3 weeks old on Christmas Eve in 2010 I already knew that you were going to steal not only my heart but everyone else that ever saw you. Even then you had boundless energy and always wanted to meet someone new. You were so adorable, and everyone knew it. I can't even begin to count how many times someone walked up to me asking if they could buy you, but there was no way I was going to give up my baby. You have meant so much to me, and had I known that you were going to leave me so soon I would never had taken you for granted for even a moment. It feels as if my world has shattered because my baby bunny is no longer in it.
I miss you so much Sprinkles. Please know that I'll always love you.
R.I.P.
12/5/10 - 1/17/13
There was a picture that went with it but it refuses to upload right now, i"ll add it in later.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
I'm going to college!!!
I know my last post was essentially me just whining about the fact that I haven't heard anything from any schools yet and that I more than likely wouldn't find out about any of them until next year. Well, today I got some unexpected mail. First, I got a letter from Rutgers... so I started shaking and pretty much ripped the envelope in half. When I opened it the letter only said that they would notify me online. In February, so I was slightly disappointed that I had gotten my hopes up for nothing. Then my mom continues to go through the mail and suddenly her eyes get really wide. I looked up and was like... what? she proceeded to hold up this giant white envelope that said Michigan State University across the front. I ripped it out of her hands and opened it as fast as I could. Honestly I don't think I read the words on the letter for a full five minutes. I just saw big letters saying "Congratulations, You're a Spartan!" and I burst into tears. It's pretty much impossible to explain that moment, just knowing that regardless of what any other college says, you are going to college. And what is even better is that this school was one of the three I visited over the summer. It's not my number one, but it's nice to know that I have a really good school to look forward to if stuff doesn't work out.
I can't even begin to explain how happy I am right now, it's so surreal. So, I'm just going to leave off with a picture my mom took of me while we were at MSU this summer.
I can't even begin to explain how happy I am right now, it's so surreal. So, I'm just going to leave off with a picture my mom took of me while we were at MSU this summer.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Sorry to make you wait
Quite frankly, I'm mad at myself. I said that I would try not to go for more than a week without posting anything from now on considering I almost went a whole year with absolutely nothing. I also feel really guilty about it because there are a significant amount of people who actually read this now, which is exciting and scary at the same time. I feel a lot more pressure to write about something interesting.
To give a brief update on everything, I have been really busy with the semester coming to a close. I finished my college apps a couple of weeks ago and I am now still currently waiting to hear back from all 10 of the schools. I don't think it would bother me all that much, but everyone else has started to get a flow of acceptance letters and I'm still sitting here not even knowing if I'll be able to go to college. What's even worse is that I won't know about my number one school until March, and my hopes are up so high... I'm terrified. The waiting game is a million times worse than the applications.
My 4-H project is going well, I had about 30 people join me to walk in our local parade to advertise the centennial. I also talked to Joe Simitian again on Sunday, were going to go get coffee one day so he can help me more with my project.
Two of my friends were called back fro the final interviews for the giant scholarship that I was applying for. Hopefully I can get one of the smaller ones.
I was rejected to be a delegate for California in the National 4-H Conference this spring. I was disappointed considering I really wanted to go to that, I'm beginning to get the feeling that the State Office really doesn't like me. Too bad I'm trying to do something really special for them.
I have 2 more days of finals left, unfortunately none of them are going to be easy (except for one which is a party but that's besides the point). Ive got multiple essays and DBQ's ahead of me. Yay for IB style tests.
My class ring came in the mail on Saturday. It's gorgeous and I love it.
Despite the fact that my grades are really good right now, and all my problems are starting to clear up again... I'm just really not in a good mood. I know that part of it is the fact that, even though I am super excited for college next year, I'm really scared about what's going to happen with my friends.
Okay, so this was a stupid post. I'm sorry. I hope I get out of this trench soon.
To give a brief update on everything, I have been really busy with the semester coming to a close. I finished my college apps a couple of weeks ago and I am now still currently waiting to hear back from all 10 of the schools. I don't think it would bother me all that much, but everyone else has started to get a flow of acceptance letters and I'm still sitting here not even knowing if I'll be able to go to college. What's even worse is that I won't know about my number one school until March, and my hopes are up so high... I'm terrified. The waiting game is a million times worse than the applications.
My 4-H project is going well, I had about 30 people join me to walk in our local parade to advertise the centennial. I also talked to Joe Simitian again on Sunday, were going to go get coffee one day so he can help me more with my project.
Two of my friends were called back fro the final interviews for the giant scholarship that I was applying for. Hopefully I can get one of the smaller ones.
I was rejected to be a delegate for California in the National 4-H Conference this spring. I was disappointed considering I really wanted to go to that, I'm beginning to get the feeling that the State Office really doesn't like me. Too bad I'm trying to do something really special for them.
I have 2 more days of finals left, unfortunately none of them are going to be easy (except for one which is a party but that's besides the point). Ive got multiple essays and DBQ's ahead of me. Yay for IB style tests.
My class ring came in the mail on Saturday. It's gorgeous and I love it.
Despite the fact that my grades are really good right now, and all my problems are starting to clear up again... I'm just really not in a good mood. I know that part of it is the fact that, even though I am super excited for college next year, I'm really scared about what's going to happen with my friends.
Okay, so this was a stupid post. I'm sorry. I hope I get out of this trench soon.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Scholarship Interview
So I applied to the Sequoia Awards scholarship, which is awarded to High School seniors who are really committed to community service,at the end of October. I got a call about a week and a half ago letting me know that I had made it past the first round and that I would be brought in for interviews at some point. Well, my interview was today and so I was really trying to look my best so I actually dressed up for school. I know, it is quite an achievement for me.
I ended up running late so I showed up right at the exact time my interview was supposed to start so I was a little more freaked out then I would have liked to have been. The interview went well though, they said that they really liked the essay that I had sent. So, I guess I'll find out in January if I make it too the next round of interviews.
Crossing my fingers!!!
I ended up running late so I showed up right at the exact time my interview was supposed to start so I was a little more freaked out then I would have liked to have been. The interview went well though, they said that they really liked the essay that I had sent. So, I guess I'll find out in January if I make it too the next round of interviews.
Crossing my fingers!!!
Sunday, December 2, 2012
I'm feeling a little bruised.
I have always had problems with being bullied. It has been a constant part of my life since I was in pre-school. I never wanted it to be this way, no one ever does, but it seems that no matter the circumstances I can never escape it.
As I have made blatantly clear on this blog, I have been going through a fairly rough time since school has started this year. Everything that had happened was terrible and I have frequently found myself feeling absolutely miserable because of it, but even through all of the hurt and loneliness I managed to get through it by avoiding interactions with people that aren't my close friends. It has been pretty effective for the most part.
Recently, after Amanda got rid of her facebook, the two of us decided to get tumblrs so that we could share things back and forth with each other. No other reason. Frankly, the fact that I actually gave in to getting a tumblr is very surprising because the whole concept really bothers me, and I consider it a very poor excuse for a blog. But, I would do pretty much anything for Amanda, so I gave in. We only got them a few days ago, and I have been very hesitant about the whole thing because I didn't want people that we know to see that I had one because it is only meant for us and Morganne.
Last night, someone found me.. and sent me some anonymous hate mail. I only responded to one of their two messages, and I made sure that my response would be carefully thought out so that hopefully no one will bother me again. And even though what they said wasn't the worst thing someone has ever said to me it still hurt. I'm sick of the fact that people won't leave me alone, and I can't understand why people hate me so much, especially now that I'm trying to avoid most everyone. I think that it wouldn't have bothered me so much, let alone made me cry myself to sleep, had it not been for the fact that this is not the first or even second time that this has happened. Sophomore year, I was attacked over Formspring over and over again, at 2 separate times throughout the year. And it wasn't just one person, it was multiple people constantly barging me with all of these painful messages until they got bored or something. I never handled that as well as I should have, (which was part of my reasoning for being so careful now) but that has haunted me ever since. I thought that I had escaped it and that people had sort of accepted me or something by this point... but I guess not.
If it happens again I think I am just going to delete the tumblr, it's just not worth it. And if so, Amanda and I can find something else to do where people won't be terrible.
Sorry to have another sad post. I was planning on doing a whole start of the Christmas season thing today, but I needed to vent a little bit after that.
Thank you for being supportive of this blog, I know more people are reading it now and it is great to know that there is somewhere that I can be myself and not have to be worried about it. It means a lot.
As I have made blatantly clear on this blog, I have been going through a fairly rough time since school has started this year. Everything that had happened was terrible and I have frequently found myself feeling absolutely miserable because of it, but even through all of the hurt and loneliness I managed to get through it by avoiding interactions with people that aren't my close friends. It has been pretty effective for the most part.
Recently, after Amanda got rid of her facebook, the two of us decided to get tumblrs so that we could share things back and forth with each other. No other reason. Frankly, the fact that I actually gave in to getting a tumblr is very surprising because the whole concept really bothers me, and I consider it a very poor excuse for a blog. But, I would do pretty much anything for Amanda, so I gave in. We only got them a few days ago, and I have been very hesitant about the whole thing because I didn't want people that we know to see that I had one because it is only meant for us and Morganne.
Last night, someone found me.. and sent me some anonymous hate mail. I only responded to one of their two messages, and I made sure that my response would be carefully thought out so that hopefully no one will bother me again. And even though what they said wasn't the worst thing someone has ever said to me it still hurt. I'm sick of the fact that people won't leave me alone, and I can't understand why people hate me so much, especially now that I'm trying to avoid most everyone. I think that it wouldn't have bothered me so much, let alone made me cry myself to sleep, had it not been for the fact that this is not the first or even second time that this has happened. Sophomore year, I was attacked over Formspring over and over again, at 2 separate times throughout the year. And it wasn't just one person, it was multiple people constantly barging me with all of these painful messages until they got bored or something. I never handled that as well as I should have, (which was part of my reasoning for being so careful now) but that has haunted me ever since. I thought that I had escaped it and that people had sort of accepted me or something by this point... but I guess not.
If it happens again I think I am just going to delete the tumblr, it's just not worth it. And if so, Amanda and I can find something else to do where people won't be terrible.
Sorry to have another sad post. I was planning on doing a whole start of the Christmas season thing today, but I needed to vent a little bit after that.
Thank you for being supportive of this blog, I know more people are reading it now and it is great to know that there is somewhere that I can be myself and not have to be worried about it. It means a lot.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Thanksgiving Break
Alright, I was going to start writing this yesterday... But Amanda was very adamant about my getting a tumblr so that the two of us could spam each other all day every day. We figured it would be the best way to keep the internet entertaining because Facebook doesn't hold the same value anymore. Anyway, I promised a Thanksgiving post... so a thanksgiving post I will provide.
My mom decided that we would have Thanksgiving at our house this year, which hasn't happened for a VERY long time. So we spent a very long time cleaning the house on Wednesday and even Thursday morning trying to get everything ready for when everyone arrived. Now you have to understand that Thanksgiving in my family is with a bunch of family friends that are from different areas of Scandinavia (mainly Norway, and we are the only Swedish group in the mix). And we have the normal Thanksgiving food but we also have a few "abnormal" traditions regarding food and such. Anyway, part of our group wasn't going to be there because they were in Norway... or Texas, no one really had much of a clue. But that wasn't the worst of it, my grandmothers best friend's husband, Leif, has been suffering from Alzheimers for about 10 years.. and he passed away at about 3 on Thursday So not only was our group significantly smaller than it usually is... it was also a lot more depressing than normal. We still had fun, but everything was quite a bit less conversational at times. At least we know that he isn't suffering anymore.
On another less depressing note, the food was absolutely amazing.
Every year on Black Friday, my family has the tradition of going up to a small town called Sonora and spending the day there. We always get up there and go to the movies, ( This year we saw Wreck-it- Ralph, which was absolutely adorable) and then around 2 we go over across the street to Wal-Mart and laugh at everything that is absolutely ridiculous in there. I take a picture of the funniest thing I see every year. The past two years have involved some sort of Christmas decoration that has Santa sitting in a bathtub. After we are done there we find our usual spot for their town Christmas parade and wrap ourselves up in blankets and eat cookies. Then we go to all the little shops, specifically to this Ornament store called Dorthea's that has the best Christmas ornaments every year. Then we get dinner and go home.
On Saturday morning I went to Pete's Coffee with Quinn because she was back from college and we wanted to hangout before she left again the next morning. We filled each other in with all of our stories. It was great, I've missed her a lot. Then I finished my UC application, and by the time we were done.. we got ready to leave to go to the Dickens Fair, which I have basically been excitedly waiting for since we went last year. I want one of the costumes so bad its ridiculous. After we were done we went to the other side of the building and saw a San Francisco Bull's hockey game, and they won! Which was great because last time I went they didn't do so well. Still not as amazing as a Shark's game.. but it will have to do for now.
Sunday I spend ALL day working on college apps and got all but 1 of them done. That and I have an interview for the Sequoia Awards on December 4th. Everything is getting super exciting!!!
Alright... I have to get going to ceramics soon. Hopefully this post will be ok until I can find something else to write about. I know it's not the most entertaining thing but if you are anything like Amanda, then apparently you all like reading about my boring daily life.
My mom decided that we would have Thanksgiving at our house this year, which hasn't happened for a VERY long time. So we spent a very long time cleaning the house on Wednesday and even Thursday morning trying to get everything ready for when everyone arrived. Now you have to understand that Thanksgiving in my family is with a bunch of family friends that are from different areas of Scandinavia (mainly Norway, and we are the only Swedish group in the mix). And we have the normal Thanksgiving food but we also have a few "abnormal" traditions regarding food and such. Anyway, part of our group wasn't going to be there because they were in Norway... or Texas, no one really had much of a clue. But that wasn't the worst of it, my grandmothers best friend's husband, Leif, has been suffering from Alzheimers for about 10 years.. and he passed away at about 3 on Thursday So not only was our group significantly smaller than it usually is... it was also a lot more depressing than normal. We still had fun, but everything was quite a bit less conversational at times. At least we know that he isn't suffering anymore.
On another less depressing note, the food was absolutely amazing.
Every year on Black Friday, my family has the tradition of going up to a small town called Sonora and spending the day there. We always get up there and go to the movies, ( This year we saw Wreck-it- Ralph, which was absolutely adorable) and then around 2 we go over across the street to Wal-Mart and laugh at everything that is absolutely ridiculous in there. I take a picture of the funniest thing I see every year. The past two years have involved some sort of Christmas decoration that has Santa sitting in a bathtub. After we are done there we find our usual spot for their town Christmas parade and wrap ourselves up in blankets and eat cookies. Then we go to all the little shops, specifically to this Ornament store called Dorthea's that has the best Christmas ornaments every year. Then we get dinner and go home.
On Saturday morning I went to Pete's Coffee with Quinn because she was back from college and we wanted to hangout before she left again the next morning. We filled each other in with all of our stories. It was great, I've missed her a lot. Then I finished my UC application, and by the time we were done.. we got ready to leave to go to the Dickens Fair, which I have basically been excitedly waiting for since we went last year. I want one of the costumes so bad its ridiculous. After we were done we went to the other side of the building and saw a San Francisco Bull's hockey game, and they won! Which was great because last time I went they didn't do so well. Still not as amazing as a Shark's game.. but it will have to do for now.
Sunday I spend ALL day working on college apps and got all but 1 of them done. That and I have an interview for the Sequoia Awards on December 4th. Everything is getting super exciting!!!
Alright... I have to get going to ceramics soon. Hopefully this post will be ok until I can find something else to write about. I know it's not the most entertaining thing but if you are anything like Amanda, then apparently you all like reading about my boring daily life.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
This made my day
Okay, so I have been really bored and just surfing the Internet when I stumbled upon this beautiful thing. I would post the letter it generated for me, but I would like to keep that to myself... and a couple of my closest friends ( they know who they are). But, I figured that I would leave the link for all of you to enjoy ( http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1ixqeC/www.breakupemail.com/dump.php/). Honestly, I think its brilliant and it totally helps to stop any anger you might have against someone.
My favorite part? This option that they gave you as a sendoff line: "I hope maggots devour your testicles."
I thought it was beautiful.
Thanksgiving post to come in a couple days! In the meantime... I'll just be fasting and preparing myself to be utterly starving for my favorite meal of the whole year. Only the best holiday's involve gorging yourself with food.
My favorite part? This option that they gave you as a sendoff line: "I hope maggots devour your testicles."
I thought it was beautiful.
Thanksgiving post to come in a couple days! In the meantime... I'll just be fasting and preparing myself to be utterly starving for my favorite meal of the whole year. Only the best holiday's involve gorging yourself with food.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Returning to Normality
I want to sincerely apologize. I have been absolutely terrible lately... I haven't posted in a week. The boredom must have been killing you, and I agree with the fact that I have been super lame about it. But, I have some really good news to go along with the fact that I haven't been blogging for a while. So hopefully I can redeem myself with the fact that my absence does not go without reason. And to make it up to you, I will try to make this post as lengthy as possible to recap all of the exciting things that I have done recently. So... here goes!
I'll begin with my explanation for why I haven't been blogging. To be perfectly honest, it because I couldn't find anything interesting to talk about. Nothing that has been going on has been interesting enough to write about, and (here comes the news... you ready for it!?!) I no longer have any emotional rants to go on about because I am pretty much completely over that kid whose name shall never be mentioned on this blog. That's right, I have finally been able to shift away from all that nonsense and free myself. So you can all rejoice because you will never again have to deal with the hopeless rants of this once heartbroken 17 year old girl. I'm not exactly sure what caused this change of mind-set, it sort of just happened. I'm glad though, it makes things a lot easier, even if I do still have to deal with all of his friends being super obnoxious about it all. Anyway, I'm done with this topic for good, so let's move on to much more fun stuff. Awesome :)
So last Friday was the Sequoia vs. Carlmont football game. I went, didn't have as much fun as I had hoped for 3 reasons: 1) It was absolutely freezing and since I had been sitting outside in the cold since 3:30 that afternoon with no jacket, I was beginning to develop a slight concern that I could be contracting some sort of sickness. 2) Most of my friends didn't go, so I felt like a third wheel the entire time to one of my friends and his girlfriend who were huddled together next to me and 3) I couldn't even get into the game because we were so far ahead and they weren't even putting up much of a fight that I couldn't even find entertainment in watching it anymore. But we are going to the playoffs, our first game being tomorrow against M.A. Crossing my fingers that we do really well again!
On Saturday morning I was volunteering at the local Second Harvest food bank for Jr. Fair Board. I was put on duty for sorting through all of the donated items to make sure they were ok and safe for consumption. I had no idea that people donate so much JUNK. It was almost sad how much food we had to throw away because it had either expired, been pre-opened, was perishable, or the container had been damaged. And you have to understand, the expiration dates on most things aren't exactly accurate and you can still use them up to 3 years after the date on the container, and even with that criteria there were a significant amount of items that had expired as early as 2002 that we had found. It became really entertaining to see who could find the weirdest things. Some of my favorites, both good and bad were the expired pre-cooked canned snails that were imported from France, the multitudes of Spam, a stack of opened adult diapers that had turned grey, funnel cake batter and a pouring spout to go with it, luxury olive oils, opened jars of peanut butter, and a rotten banana. I think I sorted through a couple thousand cans at the table I was at alone... it was the craziest 3 hours of my life and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Later that night my family and I went up to the Cow Palace for a SF Bulls hockey game. It was nice to be able to go and watch hockey again since the NHL is on lockout right now (I'm super depressed about that) but given the fact that they are a brand new team and thus aren't doing so well... the energy just isn't anywhere near what I'm used to. Plus I miss my San Jose Sharks </3, my school year just isn't the same without them. I did have a lot of fun though, and will most definitely go to more games this year.
On Sunday, I spent the day in San Fransisco with my family to celebrate the long weekend. We decided to do all of the touristy things since that's not normally something we do. We went to pier 39, I got a Left-Handed notebook at the Lefty's store (I can't even begin to describe how wonderful it is to not have to write over that stupid spiral spring wire thing anymore.) and we got clam chowder in a bread bowl at our favorite restaurant down there. We also went to both the Wax Museum and Ripley's Believe it or Not. We then walked down to Fisherman's wharf and went to go see the Balclutha (its an old sailing ship) so my dad and I could relive some old memories from when we went on a historical field trip thing on it when I was in 4th grade. And of course, we had to stop at Ghirardelli Square. So much chocolate, it was wonderful. And we got home early enough that we decided to watch Beetlejuice and relax. It was great, I was super happy and full of sourdough and chocolate.
Finally, the last super cool thing that I did this week happened yesterday. So my friend Dani has been inviting me to go to her church's Youth Group meetings for a while now and they either get cancelled or I'm not able to go. But last night I was finally able to and had so much fun. I met so many new people and they were all super friendly, it was super great. I would talk about it more but a lot of what happened was really personal and prayer oriented, but in just one night I got so much closer to Dani and I can't even begin to explain how perfect that night was and how much I needed that. I'd go into it more, but since I know some people get uncomfortable with it and I want to respect that, I'm trying to leave all the spiritual aspects out. But I am most definitely going to be going a lot more in the future.
So yeah, that's what I have been doing the past week in a nutshell. Hope it wasn't to sporadic or anything. And I'll try to get back to my normal schedule and blog a lot more again. Thanks for holding out for me!
I'll begin with my explanation for why I haven't been blogging. To be perfectly honest, it because I couldn't find anything interesting to talk about. Nothing that has been going on has been interesting enough to write about, and (here comes the news... you ready for it!?!) I no longer have any emotional rants to go on about because I am pretty much completely over that kid whose name shall never be mentioned on this blog. That's right, I have finally been able to shift away from all that nonsense and free myself. So you can all rejoice because you will never again have to deal with the hopeless rants of this once heartbroken 17 year old girl. I'm not exactly sure what caused this change of mind-set, it sort of just happened. I'm glad though, it makes things a lot easier, even if I do still have to deal with all of his friends being super obnoxious about it all. Anyway, I'm done with this topic for good, so let's move on to much more fun stuff. Awesome :)
So last Friday was the Sequoia vs. Carlmont football game. I went, didn't have as much fun as I had hoped for 3 reasons: 1) It was absolutely freezing and since I had been sitting outside in the cold since 3:30 that afternoon with no jacket, I was beginning to develop a slight concern that I could be contracting some sort of sickness. 2) Most of my friends didn't go, so I felt like a third wheel the entire time to one of my friends and his girlfriend who were huddled together next to me and 3) I couldn't even get into the game because we were so far ahead and they weren't even putting up much of a fight that I couldn't even find entertainment in watching it anymore. But we are going to the playoffs, our first game being tomorrow against M.A. Crossing my fingers that we do really well again!
On Saturday morning I was volunteering at the local Second Harvest food bank for Jr. Fair Board. I was put on duty for sorting through all of the donated items to make sure they were ok and safe for consumption. I had no idea that people donate so much JUNK. It was almost sad how much food we had to throw away because it had either expired, been pre-opened, was perishable, or the container had been damaged. And you have to understand, the expiration dates on most things aren't exactly accurate and you can still use them up to 3 years after the date on the container, and even with that criteria there were a significant amount of items that had expired as early as 2002 that we had found. It became really entertaining to see who could find the weirdest things. Some of my favorites, both good and bad were the expired pre-cooked canned snails that were imported from France, the multitudes of Spam, a stack of opened adult diapers that had turned grey, funnel cake batter and a pouring spout to go with it, luxury olive oils, opened jars of peanut butter, and a rotten banana. I think I sorted through a couple thousand cans at the table I was at alone... it was the craziest 3 hours of my life and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Later that night my family and I went up to the Cow Palace for a SF Bulls hockey game. It was nice to be able to go and watch hockey again since the NHL is on lockout right now (I'm super depressed about that) but given the fact that they are a brand new team and thus aren't doing so well... the energy just isn't anywhere near what I'm used to. Plus I miss my San Jose Sharks </3, my school year just isn't the same without them. I did have a lot of fun though, and will most definitely go to more games this year.
On Sunday, I spent the day in San Fransisco with my family to celebrate the long weekend. We decided to do all of the touristy things since that's not normally something we do. We went to pier 39, I got a Left-Handed notebook at the Lefty's store (I can't even begin to describe how wonderful it is to not have to write over that stupid spiral spring wire thing anymore.) and we got clam chowder in a bread bowl at our favorite restaurant down there. We also went to both the Wax Museum and Ripley's Believe it or Not. We then walked down to Fisherman's wharf and went to go see the Balclutha (its an old sailing ship) so my dad and I could relive some old memories from when we went on a historical field trip thing on it when I was in 4th grade. And of course, we had to stop at Ghirardelli Square. So much chocolate, it was wonderful. And we got home early enough that we decided to watch Beetlejuice and relax. It was great, I was super happy and full of sourdough and chocolate.
Finally, the last super cool thing that I did this week happened yesterday. So my friend Dani has been inviting me to go to her church's Youth Group meetings for a while now and they either get cancelled or I'm not able to go. But last night I was finally able to and had so much fun. I met so many new people and they were all super friendly, it was super great. I would talk about it more but a lot of what happened was really personal and prayer oriented, but in just one night I got so much closer to Dani and I can't even begin to explain how perfect that night was and how much I needed that. I'd go into it more, but since I know some people get uncomfortable with it and I want to respect that, I'm trying to leave all the spiritual aspects out. But I am most definitely going to be going a lot more in the future.
So yeah, that's what I have been doing the past week in a nutshell. Hope it wasn't to sporadic or anything. And I'll try to get back to my normal schedule and blog a lot more again. Thanks for holding out for me!
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Today's Google Doodle
Sorry I really haven't been blogging much, I would but honestly... I really don't have anything to talk about anymore. My life is becoming increasingly less interesting. I am not exactly sure if this is a good or a bad thing yet...
Anyway, I went onto google today to look something up and pretty much screamed. Apparently today is Bram Stoker's birthday, so they made the google doodle all Dracula themed. I was so excited because not only was I in that show 3 years ago, but the doodle depicted every single one of the characters in the story. It brought back so many memories and I think I smiled so hard my face cracked.
So for those of you who haven't seen it, here is what it looks like:
http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/breaking/2012/1108/breaking22.html
More posts to come soon, I promise.
Anyway, I went onto google today to look something up and pretty much screamed. Apparently today is Bram Stoker's birthday, so they made the google doodle all Dracula themed. I was so excited because not only was I in that show 3 years ago, but the doodle depicted every single one of the characters in the story. It brought back so many memories and I think I smiled so hard my face cracked.
So for those of you who haven't seen it, here is what it looks like:
http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/breaking/2012/1108/breaking22.html
More posts to come soon, I promise.
Monday, November 5, 2012
weekend catchup
This week has been so exhausting. It was really fun don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed it... but oh my god this weekend has not been even close to being long enough so that I can recover from everything.
I'm very sorry about the fact that I have been so inconsistent the past week or so, I just haven't been able to just sit down and work. I promise that as soon as things start to calm down that this will all change. It might be a few weeks considering college apps are due very soon, but it will happen.
Despite the fact that this week was homecoming week, and considering that usually entails a lot of excitement of some sort... it was fairly dull. Sure, the Giants won the World Series and everyone was pretty hyped up about that, but since I have been at Sequoia, this was by far the least spirited homecoming week. Of course, I tried to be just as spirited as always, regardless of what everyone else was doing.
My two highlights of the week were Halloween and hall decorating...which I guess were in some ways the same thing this year since they fell on the same day. Halloween was amazing because of my friends. A group of 8 of us dressed up as the different characters from Alice in Wonderland and had a tea party at lunch. We were absolutely adorable and had the most creative group costume in school by far. And then hall decorating has always been my favorite thing to begin with, but we managed to make our hallway absolutely amazing this year, to the point where we topped our spongebob hallways last year. But, apparently, the judges didn't agree on that... so we tied for 2nd... with the Sophomores, who had a horrible hallway... and the Freshman won. So we will forever be known as the first senior class to ever lose to freshman.. I cried. It was not only embarrassing but ridiculous, we had put so much more time and effort into everything.. only to have that happen. I don't even want to think about it anymore... it just makes me depressed.
Also... there was a bit of a surprise for me by the end of the week that I wasn't expecting. So Lorenzo had invited his friend who is a German Exchange student at a school in Petaluma to our homecoming dance... and my friends took this opportunity to decide that this kid... whether he liked it or not, would become my date for homecoming. I met him the night before at the football game. His name is Luca, and he is very, very attractive (not to mention about 3 inches taller than me)! I have t o admit, I honestly didn't feel like I deserved to be set up with someone like that so I was nervous to talk to him at first... only to find that he was either incredibly boring or incredibly shy. Honestly, after two days I couldn't tell.. he was very difficult to read. I had a lot of fun with everyone though, even though there were a few rough spots, the past 2 nights were so much fun it feels like its happened over a span of like half a week and not merely 24 hours.
So yeah, that's a very brief and positive summation of everything that happened. I'll bring everything back to normal soon.
I'm very sorry about the fact that I have been so inconsistent the past week or so, I just haven't been able to just sit down and work. I promise that as soon as things start to calm down that this will all change. It might be a few weeks considering college apps are due very soon, but it will happen.
Despite the fact that this week was homecoming week, and considering that usually entails a lot of excitement of some sort... it was fairly dull. Sure, the Giants won the World Series and everyone was pretty hyped up about that, but since I have been at Sequoia, this was by far the least spirited homecoming week. Of course, I tried to be just as spirited as always, regardless of what everyone else was doing.
My two highlights of the week were Halloween and hall decorating...which I guess were in some ways the same thing this year since they fell on the same day. Halloween was amazing because of my friends. A group of 8 of us dressed up as the different characters from Alice in Wonderland and had a tea party at lunch. We were absolutely adorable and had the most creative group costume in school by far. And then hall decorating has always been my favorite thing to begin with, but we managed to make our hallway absolutely amazing this year, to the point where we topped our spongebob hallways last year. But, apparently, the judges didn't agree on that... so we tied for 2nd... with the Sophomores, who had a horrible hallway... and the Freshman won. So we will forever be known as the first senior class to ever lose to freshman.. I cried. It was not only embarrassing but ridiculous, we had put so much more time and effort into everything.. only to have that happen. I don't even want to think about it anymore... it just makes me depressed.
Also... there was a bit of a surprise for me by the end of the week that I wasn't expecting. So Lorenzo had invited his friend who is a German Exchange student at a school in Petaluma to our homecoming dance... and my friends took this opportunity to decide that this kid... whether he liked it or not, would become my date for homecoming. I met him the night before at the football game. His name is Luca, and he is very, very attractive (not to mention about 3 inches taller than me)! I have t o admit, I honestly didn't feel like I deserved to be set up with someone like that so I was nervous to talk to him at first... only to find that he was either incredibly boring or incredibly shy. Honestly, after two days I couldn't tell.. he was very difficult to read. I had a lot of fun with everyone though, even though there were a few rough spots, the past 2 nights were so much fun it feels like its happened over a span of like half a week and not merely 24 hours.
So yeah, that's a very brief and positive summation of everything that happened. I'll bring everything back to normal soon.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Homecoming week
So today marked the start of Homecoming week. It was pajama day today, so no one was really over the top crazy... the craziest thing that people wore was wearing onesies. I tend to be really fond of people that go over the top with spirit days, I try to most of the time but somethings are really difficult to do. So that caused me to end up running into some internal problems. I was pretty much fighting between memory and reality... again. I really wish that I could just get rid of all of those memories so that none of this would even matter. Unfortunately that isn't possible. My hope is that my stupid emotions won't get in the way of having fun the rest of homecoming like its seemed to have put a damper on pretty much everything else at school this year. At least tomorrow I can feel comfortable tomorrow since its miss-matched day... which is pretty much what I wear every day. They need to rename it after me. No, I'm not that special. I'm getting super excited for Halloween though. It's going to be perfect. Just you wait.
...
I was thinking about how I was feeling about life this summer as compared to now. Understandably, with that I thought was going on this summer, I was in a good mood, and really excited fro school to start back up again. I kept telling everyone how this year was going to be different. Yeah, we were going to start out senior year and everything but the entire time I only had one person on my mind. In a way, I was right, about pretty much everything. This year is different, really different, and it is all because of that one person. I just never saw the deception and ambiguity of it all. I have no idea how everything changed so fast, and I'm pretty sure that I will never know. I can't tell you how many times I have played through the past three years in my mind thinking about all of the things I could have done differently so that none of this would have happened. Yeah, it's been painful (which I've made blatantly obvious) and it will continue to be for what I'm assuming will be quite a while, but I have learned a lot. I'm not saying I took that ... whatever we had... for granted, I didn't, but I was foolish to think that there was no risk of ever losing that. Deep down I knew the risks of that for a really long time, but I chose to ignore that. And now that everything has ended, I can't even take the time to appreciate it for what it was. And I have no idea what the future holds, but it breaks my heart to think about any of it at the moment. I used to imagine how we would keep in contact in college and still be friends after high school ended. I guess that was just another foolish thought.
What makes me feel even more foolish is the fact that none of anything seems to matter to him. So while I'm sitting around constantly thinking of old inside jokes or conversations, and how there are so many things that I won't be able to watch or listen to or anything for a long time because of the association, he doesn't care about any of it. Not even the fact that I'm the reason he was able to pass about 4 of his classes....
I wish I knew why things like this happen, I know we need to grow and learn and make mistakes, but sometimes the troubles we go through seem ridiculous and unnecessary. He really is a good person, and I hope he goes far in life and is happy, if not, that would probably break my heart more than it is now.
...
I was thinking about how I was feeling about life this summer as compared to now. Understandably, with that I thought was going on this summer, I was in a good mood, and really excited fro school to start back up again. I kept telling everyone how this year was going to be different. Yeah, we were going to start out senior year and everything but the entire time I only had one person on my mind. In a way, I was right, about pretty much everything. This year is different, really different, and it is all because of that one person. I just never saw the deception and ambiguity of it all. I have no idea how everything changed so fast, and I'm pretty sure that I will never know. I can't tell you how many times I have played through the past three years in my mind thinking about all of the things I could have done differently so that none of this would have happened. Yeah, it's been painful (which I've made blatantly obvious) and it will continue to be for what I'm assuming will be quite a while, but I have learned a lot. I'm not saying I took that ... whatever we had... for granted, I didn't, but I was foolish to think that there was no risk of ever losing that. Deep down I knew the risks of that for a really long time, but I chose to ignore that. And now that everything has ended, I can't even take the time to appreciate it for what it was. And I have no idea what the future holds, but it breaks my heart to think about any of it at the moment. I used to imagine how we would keep in contact in college and still be friends after high school ended. I guess that was just another foolish thought.
What makes me feel even more foolish is the fact that none of anything seems to matter to him. So while I'm sitting around constantly thinking of old inside jokes or conversations, and how there are so many things that I won't be able to watch or listen to or anything for a long time because of the association, he doesn't care about any of it. Not even the fact that I'm the reason he was able to pass about 4 of his classes....
I wish I knew why things like this happen, I know we need to grow and learn and make mistakes, but sometimes the troubles we go through seem ridiculous and unnecessary. He really is a good person, and I hope he goes far in life and is happy, if not, that would probably break my heart more than it is now.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
I'm starting to crumble
I'm really stressed out right now so I need to take a break from everything. I've been working on college apps, scholarship apps, a conference app, and my homework all at the same time. It's only slightly crazy.
And I feel bad because all of this stress has prevented me from being able to blog at all. So I'm really sorry that I've been MIA recently, I've been trying to find time to write, but all attempts have availed me.
I'm also having problems with just thinking right now. I seem to have this need to torture myself at the moment. I don't really know whats going on, but i think it's because of the fact that I'm having such an incredibly hard time letting go. I feel like I'm suck inside a rubber band, every time I get close... I snap back harder than before. I'm desperately trying to get out of this, I'm sick of this aching pain that I get with every memory.
That's the other problem, as much as I'm angry and hurt and everything... I find it impossible to hate him. Part of it is the fact that everything that we had gone through in the past has kept me from it. And I keep defending him, like that's going to do me any good. I mean, this is freaking insane... the things he said and did were terrible but I feel the need to defend the fact that he is a good person, even now. I'm starting to see the fault in my inability to see the bad in everyone expect myself.
I also finally bought Taylor Swift's new album. Half of the songs on there are pretty much a compilation of what is going on in my head. Hence the reason why I am torturing myself. I've been listening to it on repeat and have been on the verge of tears at least 6 times. I'm 80% sure this unhealthy. The only things that are keeping me together at the moment are Amanda, my grades (they are amazing at the moment, so it's a major confidence boost), and my mom. All of my friends have been great, and I'm super thankful for them for putting up with me... I know it's exhausting, and I'm trying to keep as much of it to myself as possible so that they don't get sick of me.
And there... it happened, I wrote yet another obnoxious post that I have been trying so hard to avoid. I'm surprised people don't stop reading my blog because of all of this. I'm being quite the stereotypical whiny teenager. Thanks for putting up with me.
"Hey you called me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumbled up piece of paper lying here
Cause I remember it all too well..."
And I feel bad because all of this stress has prevented me from being able to blog at all. So I'm really sorry that I've been MIA recently, I've been trying to find time to write, but all attempts have availed me.
I'm also having problems with just thinking right now. I seem to have this need to torture myself at the moment. I don't really know whats going on, but i think it's because of the fact that I'm having such an incredibly hard time letting go. I feel like I'm suck inside a rubber band, every time I get close... I snap back harder than before. I'm desperately trying to get out of this, I'm sick of this aching pain that I get with every memory.
That's the other problem, as much as I'm angry and hurt and everything... I find it impossible to hate him. Part of it is the fact that everything that we had gone through in the past has kept me from it. And I keep defending him, like that's going to do me any good. I mean, this is freaking insane... the things he said and did were terrible but I feel the need to defend the fact that he is a good person, even now. I'm starting to see the fault in my inability to see the bad in everyone expect myself.
I also finally bought Taylor Swift's new album. Half of the songs on there are pretty much a compilation of what is going on in my head. Hence the reason why I am torturing myself. I've been listening to it on repeat and have been on the verge of tears at least 6 times. I'm 80% sure this unhealthy. The only things that are keeping me together at the moment are Amanda, my grades (they are amazing at the moment, so it's a major confidence boost), and my mom. All of my friends have been great, and I'm super thankful for them for putting up with me... I know it's exhausting, and I'm trying to keep as much of it to myself as possible so that they don't get sick of me.
And there... it happened, I wrote yet another obnoxious post that I have been trying so hard to avoid. I'm surprised people don't stop reading my blog because of all of this. I'm being quite the stereotypical whiny teenager. Thanks for putting up with me.
"Hey you called me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumbled up piece of paper lying here
Cause I remember it all too well..."
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
this is impossible
I'm really sorry that it has been a couple days since I have posted anything. I was going to post something this weekend but I was so busy with the haunted house that I was organizing that I didn't have time to even breath.
I'm not exactly sure what I want to talk about in this post... well I can't say that is true, I know exactly what I am going to talk about but considering I have been having a very difficult time putting the thoughts together coherently to myself I am not sure exactly how they are going to be translated into blog form. So bear with me, if nothing makes sense... well, that would be why.
Okay, Friday night (this was after I posted otherwise I would have written something about it then) I was talking to my mom about things that had happened that day that had really affected me. It resulted in the biggest meltdown that I have had in a long time. And because of everything that happened... I am now back to step one in the getting over someone phase.
But before I go on sounding like a whiny, pathetic loser, I would like to talk about something briefly to clarify somethings. Normally, I would just keep on rambling but considering some of the comments that were made towards me on Friday, I feel that I need to justify what I am going through a little bit more. Yes, I know, I never dated the guy... but that does not mean that I didn't have a relationship with him, it was just a different kind of relationship. Not only that, but it had been that way since fairly early on in my Freshman year of high school, and had feelings for him pretty much that whole time (even though I wouldn't admit this until much later on). That's three years now. Now after three years of being good friends and getting closer the whole time, he decides he never wants anything to do with me ever again, and doesn't even have the decency to tell me that to my face. I think I deserve to be upset about this. If you feel otherwise, I would prefer you to tell me in a manner that won't hurt my feelings and it won't be in the vicinity so that he can hear everything you say about the matter. I don't mind you telling me, I promise that if you do I will stop mentioning it, but please be polite about it. The whole concept of relationships and how that connects to my self-esteem has always been a sensitive issue with me.
Okay, now that I have clarified that a little bit, I think that it is fine to go on with my story. So Friday night, after all of the sobbing and talking to my mom, I decided I was absolutely exhausted and went to bed. Little did I know that this was the start of a long weekend of restless sleep because of these terrible dreams I was about to start having. But that first one was by far the worst, because it can and probably will happen, which scares me really bad at the moment. So, in this dream I was going to an assembly or some kind of presentation where I wasn't with people I normally have classes with. It ended up being that he sat right in front of me. I was really uncomfortable and tried to pretend like I didn't know he was there. Suddenly he turned around and made a comment that was along the lines of
'so are we not talking anymore?'
I was angry at the comment because the answer seemed obvious to me. So I responded, and the conversation escalated very quickly and had soon gotten to the point where we were screaming at each other. I still remember most of it vividly, and it was along the lines of the following:
'Well considering you want nothing to do with me, it sure seems like it.'
'So I guess we can't call ourselves friends anymore.'
'Really?!? After all of this, you are just NOW saying that we aren't friends anymore?!?!!'
'What the hell is wrong with you? I was just trying to start a conversation!'
'A conversation!?! You think that we can just go back to talking normally after you left me hanging for months, wondering what happened and hoping nothing had changed. And then you don't even bother to try to explain ANYTHING, but instead tell someone else that you are done with me so that THEY can pass on the news! Honestly?!?'
'So you blame all of this on me?!'
'OF COURSE I DO! I sent you that message this summer, and you acted like you were interested... and then NOTHING!'
'YOU WERE TOO LATE! I CHANGE-'
'I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT! what bothers me was the fact that you didn't have the decency to tell me any of this YOURSELF! You dumped it on **, dragging him into something that should have just been OUR problem and leaving him depressed because he didn't want to hurt me! Do you think that avoiding ONE awkward conversation is better than BEING HONEST!'
'PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES FOR A SECOND! YOU CAN'T TELL ME YOU WOULD DO ANY DIFFERENT!'
'I HAVE! AND I WOULD NEVER BE SO HORRIBLE TO LEAD SOMEONE ON LIKE THAT ONLY TO CRUSH THEM! You know? After three years of thinking that you were one of the nicest, funniest people I had ever met, I honestly can't STAND the sight of you anymore. I don't care if your friends are judging me all of the time, you were the one that told everyone about this. NOT ME. I'm done with you.'
'FINE!'
yeah... it was longer than that, with a lot more personal details and swearing but you pretty much get the point. I woke up and felt like I was in a daze for pretty much the rest of the day, it felt so real... which meant that I had essentially had 2 major arguments in one day. I don't even know what to think of it a few days later. All I have been able to get out of it was that it was really an argument within myself, the side that wants to hold on and the side that wants to move on. Unfortunately, it seems like neither side wants to budge. I feel like I am just as bad now as I was a few weeks ago. But going through school is really hard when there are constantly things that I see that remind me of old conversations and such, and I still have such a hard time letting go of all of that.
It's the hardest thing in the world to go from 180 to 0 in a matter of seconds, it takes time to slow down. It also helps to know whats happening, which I don't. And regardless of where you stand relationship wise... if you have feelings for someone that long, they are going to be strong. Like it was dizzying, I could be completely focused on something and even at the mention of him or something he said would make me smile and lose focus for the longest time. I don't know what falling for someone is like, but I'm sure there was at least a small part of me that was beginning to at least. So to get over someone immediately after all of that is one of the hardest things I can think of. It's even worse when you see them and you start to think old thoughts you used to have about how good you think they look that day and how you would just long to be next to them. And every time I have caught myself I feel even more miserable than I did before. I'm trying so hard to move on, it's crazy. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like I keep walking in circles, getting a little bit stronger and then heading back to the start all over again. And I have lost all hope in myself, there has to be something wrong with me that I'm just not seeing. That is the only possible explanation for all of this.
I am so sorry for the rambling, I just really need to think through this... and I hope I will have other happier stuff to talk about soon, because I am sure everyone who reads this is absolutely sick with the fact that I am boring and going on and on about a stupid teenage boy.
I'm not exactly sure what I want to talk about in this post... well I can't say that is true, I know exactly what I am going to talk about but considering I have been having a very difficult time putting the thoughts together coherently to myself I am not sure exactly how they are going to be translated into blog form. So bear with me, if nothing makes sense... well, that would be why.
Okay, Friday night (this was after I posted otherwise I would have written something about it then) I was talking to my mom about things that had happened that day that had really affected me. It resulted in the biggest meltdown that I have had in a long time. And because of everything that happened... I am now back to step one in the getting over someone phase.
But before I go on sounding like a whiny, pathetic loser, I would like to talk about something briefly to clarify somethings. Normally, I would just keep on rambling but considering some of the comments that were made towards me on Friday, I feel that I need to justify what I am going through a little bit more. Yes, I know, I never dated the guy... but that does not mean that I didn't have a relationship with him, it was just a different kind of relationship. Not only that, but it had been that way since fairly early on in my Freshman year of high school, and had feelings for him pretty much that whole time (even though I wouldn't admit this until much later on). That's three years now. Now after three years of being good friends and getting closer the whole time, he decides he never wants anything to do with me ever again, and doesn't even have the decency to tell me that to my face. I think I deserve to be upset about this. If you feel otherwise, I would prefer you to tell me in a manner that won't hurt my feelings and it won't be in the vicinity so that he can hear everything you say about the matter. I don't mind you telling me, I promise that if you do I will stop mentioning it, but please be polite about it. The whole concept of relationships and how that connects to my self-esteem has always been a sensitive issue with me.
Okay, now that I have clarified that a little bit, I think that it is fine to go on with my story. So Friday night, after all of the sobbing and talking to my mom, I decided I was absolutely exhausted and went to bed. Little did I know that this was the start of a long weekend of restless sleep because of these terrible dreams I was about to start having. But that first one was by far the worst, because it can and probably will happen, which scares me really bad at the moment. So, in this dream I was going to an assembly or some kind of presentation where I wasn't with people I normally have classes with. It ended up being that he sat right in front of me. I was really uncomfortable and tried to pretend like I didn't know he was there. Suddenly he turned around and made a comment that was along the lines of
'so are we not talking anymore?'
I was angry at the comment because the answer seemed obvious to me. So I responded, and the conversation escalated very quickly and had soon gotten to the point where we were screaming at each other. I still remember most of it vividly, and it was along the lines of the following:
'Well considering you want nothing to do with me, it sure seems like it.'
'So I guess we can't call ourselves friends anymore.'
'Really?!? After all of this, you are just NOW saying that we aren't friends anymore?!?!!'
'What the hell is wrong with you? I was just trying to start a conversation!'
'A conversation!?! You think that we can just go back to talking normally after you left me hanging for months, wondering what happened and hoping nothing had changed. And then you don't even bother to try to explain ANYTHING, but instead tell someone else that you are done with me so that THEY can pass on the news! Honestly?!?'
'So you blame all of this on me?!'
'OF COURSE I DO! I sent you that message this summer, and you acted like you were interested... and then NOTHING!'
'YOU WERE TOO LATE! I CHANGE-'
'I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT! what bothers me was the fact that you didn't have the decency to tell me any of this YOURSELF! You dumped it on **, dragging him into something that should have just been OUR problem and leaving him depressed because he didn't want to hurt me! Do you think that avoiding ONE awkward conversation is better than BEING HONEST!'
'PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES FOR A SECOND! YOU CAN'T TELL ME YOU WOULD DO ANY DIFFERENT!'
'I HAVE! AND I WOULD NEVER BE SO HORRIBLE TO LEAD SOMEONE ON LIKE THAT ONLY TO CRUSH THEM! You know? After three years of thinking that you were one of the nicest, funniest people I had ever met, I honestly can't STAND the sight of you anymore. I don't care if your friends are judging me all of the time, you were the one that told everyone about this. NOT ME. I'm done with you.'
'FINE!'
yeah... it was longer than that, with a lot more personal details and swearing but you pretty much get the point. I woke up and felt like I was in a daze for pretty much the rest of the day, it felt so real... which meant that I had essentially had 2 major arguments in one day. I don't even know what to think of it a few days later. All I have been able to get out of it was that it was really an argument within myself, the side that wants to hold on and the side that wants to move on. Unfortunately, it seems like neither side wants to budge. I feel like I am just as bad now as I was a few weeks ago. But going through school is really hard when there are constantly things that I see that remind me of old conversations and such, and I still have such a hard time letting go of all of that.
It's the hardest thing in the world to go from 180 to 0 in a matter of seconds, it takes time to slow down. It also helps to know whats happening, which I don't. And regardless of where you stand relationship wise... if you have feelings for someone that long, they are going to be strong. Like it was dizzying, I could be completely focused on something and even at the mention of him or something he said would make me smile and lose focus for the longest time. I don't know what falling for someone is like, but I'm sure there was at least a small part of me that was beginning to at least. So to get over someone immediately after all of that is one of the hardest things I can think of. It's even worse when you see them and you start to think old thoughts you used to have about how good you think they look that day and how you would just long to be next to them. And every time I have caught myself I feel even more miserable than I did before. I'm trying so hard to move on, it's crazy. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like I keep walking in circles, getting a little bit stronger and then heading back to the start all over again. And I have lost all hope in myself, there has to be something wrong with me that I'm just not seeing. That is the only possible explanation for all of this.
I am so sorry for the rambling, I just really need to think through this... and I hope I will have other happier stuff to talk about soon, because I am sure everyone who reads this is absolutely sick with the fact that I am boring and going on and on about a stupid teenage boy.
Friday, October 19, 2012
GO SEQUOIA GO!!!!!
Today was a big day. Let me rephrase that. Today was a HUGE day. My high school, Sequoia, is a huge rivals with this other local high school Woodside. Well tonight our two schools had a football game against eachother. This is only the second year we have had a rival school game for a long time. Last year, the game was at Woodside (I ended up not going) and it was a really close game... that we ended up losing. We were incredibly embarrassed because our team is generally REALLY good, and theirs.. isn't. So this year, not only did we want to make up for what happened last year, but we also had the game on OUR turf.
Now, this week was technically supposed to be our homecoming week. But because the rivalry between the schools is so bad, the Administration didn't want a huge fight to break out so they pushed the actual homecoming week later. The student bodies of both schools... we didn't care. Both schools cheer teams, bands, and dance teams worked really hard to try and outdo the others. And dare I say, we outshown them, by SO much. And the shining star was my dear friend Lorenzo. Oh my word, I love that kid so much right now, he joined our schools cheer team so that he can add to the squad with some of his gymnastic skills. He was doing all sorts of flips all over the place and everyone in the stands went CRAZY!!!! And our dance team... oh my god they blew everyone away! Honestly, I have not seen our school preform anything that comes even close to how amazing this was tonight, and we have had some pretty dang amazing performances in the past.
And not only that, but we blew them out of the water with a final score of 32-7. Feast on that Woodside, just because you have the money doesn't mean that you have half of the school pride that we Cherokees do <3.
Even our principal had the biggest smile on her face that I had ever seen. That says it all, tonight was absolutely amazing... I don't think even the homecoming game will be able to live up to how awesome this was.
GO CHEROKEES!!!!!!!!
Now, this week was technically supposed to be our homecoming week. But because the rivalry between the schools is so bad, the Administration didn't want a huge fight to break out so they pushed the actual homecoming week later. The student bodies of both schools... we didn't care. Both schools cheer teams, bands, and dance teams worked really hard to try and outdo the others. And dare I say, we outshown them, by SO much. And the shining star was my dear friend Lorenzo. Oh my word, I love that kid so much right now, he joined our schools cheer team so that he can add to the squad with some of his gymnastic skills. He was doing all sorts of flips all over the place and everyone in the stands went CRAZY!!!! And our dance team... oh my god they blew everyone away! Honestly, I have not seen our school preform anything that comes even close to how amazing this was tonight, and we have had some pretty dang amazing performances in the past.
And not only that, but we blew them out of the water with a final score of 32-7. Feast on that Woodside, just because you have the money doesn't mean that you have half of the school pride that we Cherokees do <3.
Even our principal had the biggest smile on her face that I had ever seen. That says it all, tonight was absolutely amazing... I don't think even the homecoming game will be able to live up to how awesome this was.
GO CHEROKEES!!!!!!!!
Thursday, October 18, 2012
no reason
I have a chemistry test tomorrow morning. I was terrified for it because I had no idea what was going on at all in this chapter... no matter how many times I looked at the notes to figure it out it didnt make sense. Then tonight, boom. Everything started to click together. Considering I didn't even look at half of the material until tonight and I still managed to get an A on the practice test... I dare say I am pretty proud. That and I am now confident for the test tomorrow. YAY!
But.. while I was studying for my test... a commercial started playing on the TV in the other room... and that song was playing in it. I pretty much siezed up. I'm trying my best not to listen to that song, and not to react to anything so that I can get over everything faster. So hearing the song play unexpectedly really didn't help. AT. ALL. I tried to focus on my homework, but five minutes later I couldn't take it anymore... and I started crying to my mom. again.
I'm so done with this.
I'm done with trying to seem like I'm perfectly fine all of the time so that anyone who is going to judge me won't have any reason to.
I'm done with constantly trying to improve my flaws so that maybe whatever happened this time wont happen again in the future.
I'm done with constantly getting my hopes up... only to have everything come crashing down on me.
I'm done with investing so much into things that obviously mean absolutely nothing to everyone else.
I'm done with people.
Honestly, I couldn't be any more frustrated with my life right now... constantly maintaining my composure like I am now, is one of the most difficult things I have had to do. I don't wish this on anyone.
But.. while I was studying for my test... a commercial started playing on the TV in the other room... and that song was playing in it. I pretty much siezed up. I'm trying my best not to listen to that song, and not to react to anything so that I can get over everything faster. So hearing the song play unexpectedly really didn't help. AT. ALL. I tried to focus on my homework, but five minutes later I couldn't take it anymore... and I started crying to my mom. again.
I'm so done with this.
I'm done with trying to seem like I'm perfectly fine all of the time so that anyone who is going to judge me won't have any reason to.
I'm done with constantly trying to improve my flaws so that maybe whatever happened this time wont happen again in the future.
I'm done with constantly getting my hopes up... only to have everything come crashing down on me.
I'm done with investing so much into things that obviously mean absolutely nothing to everyone else.
I'm done with people.
Honestly, I couldn't be any more frustrated with my life right now... constantly maintaining my composure like I am now, is one of the most difficult things I have had to do. I don't wish this on anyone.
Monday, October 15, 2012
red
I have to admit, I have been really.... disappointed with Taylor Swift's more recent music. I have always been a huge fan... but as time has passed I have just found myself more and more annoyed with the direction she is taking with her music. Yes there are a couple of exceptions to this, I am not going to lie, but on the whole... her new music drives me crazy.
Because of this, I am reluctant to listen to anything off of her new album that is coming out very soon... but today I finally gave in and listened to the title song off of the album: Red.
She's done it again... another song that describes exactly what I am feeling. I cried when I listened to it. It's been so hard to describe what I am going through right now... especially since there's a lot of things I wouldn't like to admit, even to myself. But this song... it hit home, let's just leave it at that.
I still haven't completely regained my lover for her work... but I'm okay with it at the moment. Either way I am definitely going to be stuck on this song for a while, at least until I get over things...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZW8QNIiu1A
Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoesTell myself it’s time now, gotta let goBut moving on from him is impossibleWhen I still see it all in my head
Because of this, I am reluctant to listen to anything off of her new album that is coming out very soon... but today I finally gave in and listened to the title song off of the album: Red.
She's done it again... another song that describes exactly what I am feeling. I cried when I listened to it. It's been so hard to describe what I am going through right now... especially since there's a lot of things I wouldn't like to admit, even to myself. But this song... it hit home, let's just leave it at that.
I still haven't completely regained my lover for her work... but I'm okay with it at the moment. Either way I am definitely going to be stuck on this song for a while, at least until I get over things...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZW8QNIiu1A
Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoesTell myself it’s time now, gotta let goBut moving on from him is impossibleWhen I still see it all in my head
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