I'm starting to crumble

I'm really stressed out right now so I need to take a break from everything. I've been working on college apps, scholarship apps, a conference app, and my homework all at the same time. It's only slightly crazy.
And I feel bad because all of this stress has prevented me from being able to blog at all. So I'm really sorry that I've been MIA recently, I've been trying to find time to write, but all attempts have availed me.
I'm also having problems with just thinking right now. I seem to have this need to torture myself at the moment. I don't really know whats going on, but i think it's because of the fact that I'm having such an incredibly hard time letting go. I feel like I'm suck inside a rubber band, every time I get close... I snap back harder than before. I'm desperately trying to get out of this, I'm sick of this aching pain that I get with every memory.
That's the other problem, as much as I'm angry and hurt and everything... I find it impossible to hate him. Part of it is the fact that everything that we had gone through in the past has kept me from it. And I keep defending him, like that's going to do me any good. I mean, this is freaking insane... the things he said and did were terrible but I feel the need to defend the fact that he is a good person, even now. I'm starting to see the fault in my inability to see the bad in everyone expect myself.

I also finally bought Taylor Swift's new album. Half of the songs on there are pretty much a compilation of what is going on in my head. Hence the reason why I am torturing myself. I've been listening to it on repeat and have been on the verge of tears at least 6 times. I'm 80% sure this unhealthy. The only things that are keeping me together at the moment are Amanda, my grades (they are amazing at the moment, so it's a major confidence boost), and my mom. All of my friends have been great, and I'm super thankful for them for putting up with me... I know it's exhausting, and I'm trying to keep as much of it to myself as possible so that they don't get sick of me.

And there... it happened, I wrote yet another obnoxious post that I have been trying so hard to avoid. I'm surprised people don't stop reading my blog because of all of this. I'm being quite the stereotypical whiny teenager. Thanks for putting up with me.


"Hey you called me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumbled up piece of paper lying here
Cause I remember it all too well..."