There is something about getting your wisdom teeth removed that makes you feel absolutely useless, I have done absolutely nothing all day and find it impossible to get anything done whatsoever.
Whats even worse then that is the fact that I CAN'T EAT NORMAL FOOD. It's only been a little over 24 hours since my surgery and I'm already sick of eating like a baby. It took me over an hour to eat a single 2'1' block of tofu... how pathetic is that!
I wish so badly that I could eat something crunchy... or have a sandwich from Ike's or something! I'm so sick of baby food type things.
Also, I never got loopy from the anesthesia... but I haven't gone unaffected. All of the meds they have put me on have made me incredibly emotional. I start crying at the littlest things. Also, because of this fact, I had another breakdown. I sat on the couch sobbing to my mom for about an hour today. I'm trying really hard to be as normal as I possibly can, but when people keep testing you to see how you will react to saying his name or other little tests like that... it gets incredibly tiring. And as much as I try not to let it bother me, after a while it becomes really hard to ignore.
I just really wish I knew what happened for everything to go so horribly wrong. I mean... how could we have gone from being so close to never wanting to speak to each other again. Does someone who is talking to me have any answers to that? I don't know.... but I really wish I had never said anything. I'm sick of keeping my guard up and pretending that none of this is affecting me. Plus on top of this... there are other emotions that are starting to come up that I know are absolutely ridiculous and stupid so I'm trying my best to stop them... but after everything its really hard. Especially since it sort of reminds me of how things used to be... which makes it almost worse at the same time. I just keep trying to tell myself that I am done with all of this guy drama. I'm sick of going through everything trying to get rid of all of my faults, and then everything goes horribly wrong anyway. Honestly, how is it possible to have your heart broken this many times and still have never even had anything come close to a relationship. I guess my life really is one cruel joke.
So yeah, I have absolutely no self- confidence anymore.... and I have pretty much given up on any hope for anything whatsoever. Especially after I saw a status on facebook that was about this one girl ( who hates me btw) that never shuts up and is always complaining about everything and everyone is now in a relationship. That alone made me want to cry, I mean, how horrible must I be if she can find someone and I'm always stuck feeling like crap.
I guess this is another reason I want to go to a giant college out of state, that way I can completely hide and no one will know who I am. I am so sick of all of this drama being created. I just want to be happy and go on with my life quietly surrounded only by the people I care about. Of course... the only problem with going far away is that I'm going to be leaving all of my best friends behind... that's gonna suck.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I guess I'll just go check on my neighbors cats and then make myself some more mashed potatoes.
No comments:
Post a Comment