Homecoming week

So today marked the start of Homecoming week. It was pajama day today, so no one was really over the top crazy... the craziest thing that people wore was wearing onesies. I tend to be really fond of people that go over the top with spirit days, I try to most of the time but somethings are really difficult to do. So that caused me to end up running into some internal problems. I was pretty much fighting between memory and reality... again. I really wish that I could just get rid of all of those memories so that none of this would even matter. Unfortunately that isn't possible. My hope is that my stupid emotions won't get in the way of having fun the rest of homecoming like its seemed to have put a damper on pretty much everything else at school this year. At least tomorrow I can feel comfortable tomorrow since its miss-matched day... which is pretty much what I wear every day. They need to rename it after me. No, I'm not that special. I'm getting super excited for Halloween though. It's going to be perfect. Just you wait.

...

I was thinking about how I was feeling about life this summer as compared to now. Understandably, with that I thought was going on this summer, I was in a good mood, and really excited fro school to start back up again. I kept telling everyone how this year was going to be different. Yeah, we were going to start out senior year and everything but the entire time I only had one person on my mind. In a way, I was right, about pretty much everything. This year is different, really different, and it is all because of that one person. I just never saw the deception and ambiguity of it all. I have no idea how everything changed so fast, and I'm pretty sure that I will never know. I can't tell you how many times I have played through the past three years in my mind thinking about all of the things I could have done differently so that none of this would have happened. Yeah, it's been painful (which I've made blatantly obvious) and it will continue to be for what I'm assuming will be quite a while, but I have learned a lot. I'm not saying I took that ... whatever we had... for granted, I didn't, but I was foolish to think that there was no risk of ever losing that. Deep down I knew the risks of that for a really long time, but I chose to ignore that. And now that everything has ended, I can't even take the time to appreciate it for what it was. And I have no idea what the future holds, but it breaks my heart to think about any of it at the moment. I used to imagine how we would keep in contact in college and still be friends after high school ended. I guess that was just another foolish thought.
What makes me feel even more foolish is the fact that none of anything seems to matter to him. So while I'm sitting around constantly thinking of old inside jokes or conversations, and how there are so many things that I won't be able to watch or listen to or anything for a long time because of the association, he doesn't care about any of it. Not even the fact that I'm the reason he was able to pass about 4 of his classes....
I wish I knew why things like this happen, I know we need to grow and learn and make mistakes, but sometimes the troubles we go through seem ridiculous and unnecessary. He really is a good person, and I hope he goes far in life and is happy, if not, that would probably break my heart more than it is now.