I'm really sorry that it has been a couple days since I have posted anything. I was going to post something this weekend but I was so busy with the haunted house that I was organizing that I didn't have time to even breath.
I'm not exactly sure what I want to talk about in this post... well I can't say that is true, I know exactly what I am going to talk about but considering I have been having a very difficult time putting the thoughts together coherently to myself I am not sure exactly how they are going to be translated into blog form. So bear with me, if nothing makes sense... well, that would be why.
Okay, Friday night (this was after I posted otherwise I would have written something about it then) I was talking to my mom about things that had happened that day that had really affected me. It resulted in the biggest meltdown that I have had in a long time. And because of everything that happened... I am now back to step one in the getting over someone phase.
But before I go on sounding like a whiny, pathetic loser, I would like to talk about something briefly to clarify somethings. Normally, I would just keep on rambling but considering some of the comments that were made towards me on Friday, I feel that I need to justify what I am going through a little bit more. Yes, I know, I never dated the guy... but that does not mean that I didn't have a relationship with him, it was just a different kind of relationship. Not only that, but it had been that way since fairly early on in my Freshman year of high school, and had feelings for him pretty much that whole time (even though I wouldn't admit this until much later on). That's three years now. Now after three years of being good friends and getting closer the whole time, he decides he never wants anything to do with me ever again, and doesn't even have the decency to tell me that to my face. I think I deserve to be upset about this. If you feel otherwise, I would prefer you to tell me in a manner that won't hurt my feelings and it won't be in the vicinity so that he can hear everything you say about the matter. I don't mind you telling me, I promise that if you do I will stop mentioning it, but please be polite about it. The whole concept of relationships and how that connects to my self-esteem has always been a sensitive issue with me.
Okay, now that I have clarified that a little bit, I think that it is fine to go on with my story. So Friday night, after all of the sobbing and talking to my mom, I decided I was absolutely exhausted and went to bed. Little did I know that this was the start of a long weekend of restless sleep because of these terrible dreams I was about to start having. But that first one was by far the worst, because it can and probably will happen, which scares me really bad at the moment. So, in this dream I was going to an assembly or some kind of presentation where I wasn't with people I normally have classes with. It ended up being that he sat right in front of me. I was really uncomfortable and tried to pretend like I didn't know he was there. Suddenly he turned around and made a comment that was along the lines of
'so are we not talking anymore?'
I was angry at the comment because the answer seemed obvious to me. So I responded, and the conversation escalated very quickly and had soon gotten to the point where we were screaming at each other. I still remember most of it vividly, and it was along the lines of the following:
'Well considering you want nothing to do with me, it sure seems like it.'
'So I guess we can't call ourselves friends anymore.'
'Really?!? After all of this, you are just NOW saying that we aren't friends anymore?!?!!'
'What the hell is wrong with you? I was just trying to start a conversation!'
'A conversation!?! You think that we can just go back to talking normally after you left me hanging for months, wondering what happened and hoping nothing had changed. And then you don't even bother to try to explain ANYTHING, but instead tell someone else that you are done with me so that THEY can pass on the news! Honestly?!?'
'So you blame all of this on me?!'
'OF COURSE I DO! I sent you that message this summer, and you acted like you were interested... and then NOTHING!'
'YOU WERE TOO LATE! I CHANGE-'
'I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT! what bothers me was the fact that you didn't have the decency to tell me any of this YOURSELF! You dumped it on **, dragging him into something that should have just been OUR problem and leaving him depressed because he didn't want to hurt me! Do you think that avoiding ONE awkward conversation is better than BEING HONEST!'
'PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES FOR A SECOND! YOU CAN'T TELL ME YOU WOULD DO ANY DIFFERENT!'
'I HAVE! AND I WOULD NEVER BE SO HORRIBLE TO LEAD SOMEONE ON LIKE THAT ONLY TO CRUSH THEM! You know? After three years of thinking that you were one of the nicest, funniest people I had ever met, I honestly can't STAND the sight of you anymore. I don't care if your friends are judging me all of the time, you were the one that told everyone about this. NOT ME. I'm done with you.'
'FINE!'
yeah... it was longer than that, with a lot more personal details and swearing but you pretty much get the point. I woke up and felt like I was in a daze for pretty much the rest of the day, it felt so real... which meant that I had essentially had 2 major arguments in one day. I don't even know what to think of it a few days later. All I have been able to get out of it was that it was really an argument within myself, the side that wants to hold on and the side that wants to move on. Unfortunately, it seems like neither side wants to budge. I feel like I am just as bad now as I was a few weeks ago. But going through school is really hard when there are constantly things that I see that remind me of old conversations and such, and I still have such a hard time letting go of all of that.
It's the hardest thing in the world to go from 180 to 0 in a matter of seconds, it takes time to slow down. It also helps to know whats happening, which I don't. And regardless of where you stand relationship wise... if you have feelings for someone that long, they are going to be strong. Like it was dizzying, I could be completely focused on something and even at the mention of him or something he said would make me smile and lose focus for the longest time. I don't know what falling for someone is like, but I'm sure there was at least a small part of me that was beginning to at least. So to get over someone immediately after all of that is one of the hardest things I can think of. It's even worse when you see them and you start to think old thoughts you used to have about how good you think they look that day and how you would just long to be next to them. And every time I have caught myself I feel even more miserable than I did before. I'm trying so hard to move on, it's crazy. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like I keep walking in circles, getting a little bit stronger and then heading back to the start all over again. And I have lost all hope in myself, there has to be something wrong with me that I'm just not seeing. That is the only possible explanation for all of this.
I am so sorry for the rambling, I just really need to think through this... and I hope I will have other happier stuff to talk about soon, because I am sure everyone who reads this is absolutely sick with the fact that I am boring and going on and on about a stupid teenage boy.
No comments:
Post a Comment