this is impossible

I'm really sorry that it has been a couple days since I have posted anything. I was going to post something this weekend but I was so busy with the haunted house that I was organizing that I didn't have time to even breath.
I'm not exactly sure what I want to talk about in this post... well I can't say that is true, I know exactly what I am going to talk about but considering I have been having a very difficult time putting the thoughts together coherently to myself I am not sure exactly how they are going to be translated into blog form. So bear with me, if nothing makes sense... well, that would be why.
Okay, Friday night (this was after I posted otherwise I would have written something about it then) I was talking to my mom about things that had happened that day that had really affected me. It resulted in the biggest meltdown that I have had in a long time. And because of everything that happened... I am now back to step one in the getting over someone phase.

But before I go on sounding like a whiny, pathetic loser, I would like to talk about something briefly to clarify somethings. Normally, I would just keep on rambling but considering some of the comments that were made towards me on Friday, I feel that I need to justify what I am going through a little bit more. Yes, I know, I never dated the guy... but that does not mean that I didn't have a relationship with him, it was just a different kind of relationship. Not only that, but it had been that way since fairly early on in my Freshman year of high school, and had feelings for him pretty much that whole time (even though I wouldn't admit this until much later on). That's three years now. Now after three years of being good friends and getting closer the whole time, he decides he never wants anything to do with me ever again, and doesn't even have the decency to tell me that to my face. I think I deserve to be upset about this. If you feel otherwise, I would prefer you to tell me in a manner that won't hurt my feelings and it won't be in the vicinity so that he can hear everything you say about the matter. I don't mind you telling me, I promise that if you do I will stop mentioning it, but please be polite about it. The whole concept of relationships and how that connects to my self-esteem has always been a sensitive issue with me.

Okay, now that I have clarified that a little bit, I think that it is fine to go on with my story. So Friday night, after all of the sobbing and talking to my mom, I decided I was absolutely exhausted and went to bed. Little did I know that this was the start of a long weekend of restless sleep because of these terrible dreams I was about to start having. But that first one was by far the worst, because it can and probably will happen, which scares me really bad at the moment. So, in this dream I was going to an assembly or some kind of presentation where I wasn't with people I normally have classes with. It ended up being that he sat right in front of me. I was really uncomfortable and tried to pretend like I didn't know he was there. Suddenly he turned around and made a comment that was along the lines of
'so are we not talking anymore?'
I was angry at the comment because the answer seemed obvious to me. So I responded, and the conversation escalated very quickly and had soon gotten to the point where we were screaming at each other. I still remember most of it vividly, and it was along the lines of the following:
'Well considering you want nothing to do with me, it sure seems like it.'
'So I guess we can't call ourselves friends anymore.'
'Really?!? After all of this, you are just NOW saying that we aren't friends anymore?!?!!'
'What the hell is wrong with you? I was just trying to start a conversation!'
'A conversation!?! You think that we can just go back to talking normally after you left me hanging for months, wondering what happened and hoping nothing had changed. And then you don't even bother to try to explain ANYTHING, but instead tell someone else that you are done with me so that THEY can pass on the news! Honestly?!?'
'So you blame all of this on me?!'
'OF COURSE I DO! I sent you that message this summer, and you acted like you were interested... and then NOTHING!'
'YOU WERE TOO LATE! I CHANGE-'
'I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT! what bothers me was the fact that you didn't have the decency to tell me any of this YOURSELF! You dumped it on **, dragging him into something that should have just been OUR problem and leaving him depressed because he didn't want to hurt me! Do you think that avoiding ONE awkward conversation is better than BEING HONEST!'
'PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES FOR A SECOND! YOU CAN'T TELL ME YOU WOULD DO ANY DIFFERENT!'
'I HAVE! AND I WOULD NEVER BE SO HORRIBLE TO LEAD SOMEONE ON LIKE THAT ONLY TO CRUSH THEM! You know? After three years of thinking that you were one of the nicest, funniest people I had ever met, I honestly can't STAND the sight of you anymore. I don't care if your friends are judging me all of the time, you were the one that told everyone about this. NOT ME. I'm done with you.'
'FINE!'

yeah... it was longer than that, with a lot more personal details and swearing but you pretty much get the point. I woke up and felt like I was in a daze for pretty much the rest of the day, it felt so real... which meant that I had essentially had 2 major arguments in one day. I don't even know what to think of it a few days later. All I have been able to get out of it was that it was really an argument within myself, the side that wants to hold on and the side that wants to move on. Unfortunately, it seems like neither side wants to budge. I feel like I am just as bad now as I was a few weeks ago. But going through school is really hard when there are constantly things that I see that remind me of old conversations and such, and I still have such a hard time letting go of all of that.
It's the hardest thing in the world to go from 180 to 0 in a matter of seconds, it takes time to slow down. It also helps to know whats happening, which I don't. And regardless of where you stand relationship wise... if you have feelings for someone that long, they are going to be strong. Like it was dizzying, I could be completely focused on something and even at the mention of him or something he said would make me smile and lose focus for the longest time. I don't know what falling for someone is like, but I'm sure there was at least a small part of me that was beginning to at least. So to get over someone immediately after all of that is one of the hardest things I can think of. It's even worse when you see them and you start to think old thoughts you used to have about how good you think they look that day and how you would just long to be next to them. And every time I have caught myself I feel even more miserable than I did before. I'm trying so hard to move on, it's crazy. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like I keep walking in circles, getting a little bit stronger and then heading back to the start all over again. And I have lost all hope in myself, there has to be something wrong with me that I'm just not seeing. That is the only possible explanation for all of this.
I am so sorry for the rambling, I just really need to think through this... and I hope I will have other happier stuff to talk about soon, because I am sure everyone who reads this is absolutely sick with the fact that I am boring and going on and on about a stupid teenage boy.

GO SEQUOIA GO!!!!!

Today was a big day. Let me rephrase that. Today was a HUGE day. My high school, Sequoia, is a huge rivals with this other local high school Woodside. Well tonight our two schools had a football game against eachother. This is only the second year we have had a rival school game for a long time. Last year, the game was at Woodside (I ended up not going) and it was a really close game... that we ended up losing. We were incredibly embarrassed because our team is generally REALLY good, and theirs.. isn't. So this year, not only did we want to make up for what happened last year, but we also had the game on OUR turf.
Now, this week was technically supposed to be our homecoming week. But because the rivalry between the schools is so bad, the Administration didn't want a huge fight to break out so they pushed the actual homecoming week later. The student bodies of both schools... we didn't care. Both schools cheer teams, bands, and dance teams worked really hard to try and outdo the others. And dare I say, we outshown them, by SO much. And the shining star was my dear friend Lorenzo. Oh my word, I love that kid so much right now, he joined our schools cheer team so that he can add to the squad with some of his gymnastic skills. He was doing all sorts of flips all over the place and everyone in the stands went CRAZY!!!! And our dance team... oh my god they blew everyone away! Honestly, I have not seen our school preform anything that comes even close to how amazing this was tonight, and we have had some pretty dang amazing performances in the past.
And not only that, but we blew them out of the water with a final score of 32-7. Feast on that Woodside, just because you have the money doesn't mean that you have half of the school pride that we Cherokees do <3.
Even our principal had the biggest smile on her face that I had ever seen. That says it all, tonight was absolutely amazing... I don't think even the homecoming game will be able to live up to how awesome this was.
GO CHEROKEES!!!!!!!!

no reason

I have a chemistry test tomorrow morning. I was terrified for it because I had no idea what was going on at all in this chapter... no matter how many times I looked at the notes to figure it out it didnt make sense. Then tonight, boom. Everything started to click together. Considering I didn't even look at half of the material until tonight and I still managed to get an A on the practice test... I dare say I am pretty proud. That and I am now confident for the test tomorrow. YAY!
But.. while I was studying for my test... a commercial started playing on the TV in the other room... and that song was playing in it. I pretty much siezed up. I'm trying my best not to listen to that song, and not to react to anything so that I can get over everything faster. So hearing the song play unexpectedly really didn't help. AT. ALL. I tried to focus on my homework, but five minutes later I couldn't take it anymore... and I started crying to my mom. again.


I'm so done with this.
I'm done with trying to seem like I'm perfectly fine all of the time so that anyone who is going to judge me won't have any reason to.
I'm done with constantly trying to improve my flaws so that maybe whatever happened this time wont happen again in the future.
I'm done with constantly getting my hopes up... only to have everything come crashing down on me.
I'm done with investing so much into things that obviously mean absolutely nothing to everyone else.
I'm done with people.

Honestly, I couldn't be any more frustrated with my life right now... constantly maintaining my composure like I am now, is one of the most difficult things I have had to do. I don't wish this on anyone.

red

I have to admit, I have been really.... disappointed with Taylor Swift's more recent music. I have always been a huge fan... but as time has passed I have just found myself more and more annoyed with the direction she is taking with her music. Yes there are a couple of exceptions to this, I am not going to lie, but on the whole... her new music drives me crazy.
Because of this, I am reluctant to listen to anything off of her new album that is coming out very soon... but today I finally gave in and listened to the title song off of the album: Red.
She's done it again... another song that describes exactly what I am feeling. I cried when I listened to it. It's been so hard to describe what I am going through right now... especially since there's a lot of things I wouldn't like to admit, even to myself. But this song... it hit home, let's just leave it at that.
I still haven't completely regained my lover for her work... but I'm okay with it at the moment. Either way I am definitely going to be stuck on this song for a while, at least until I get over things...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZW8QNIiu1A


Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoesTell myself it’s time now, gotta let goBut moving on from him is impossibleWhen I still see it all in my head

Applesauce, tofu, mashed potatoes and another breakdown

There is something about getting your wisdom teeth removed that makes you feel absolutely useless, I have done absolutely nothing all day and find it impossible to get anything done whatsoever.
Whats even worse then that is the fact that I CAN'T EAT NORMAL FOOD. It's only been a little over 24 hours since my surgery and I'm already sick of eating like a baby. It took me over an hour to eat a single 2'1' block of tofu... how pathetic is that!
I wish so badly that I could eat something crunchy... or have a sandwich from Ike's or something! I'm so sick of baby food type things.
Also, I never got loopy from the anesthesia... but I haven't gone unaffected. All of the meds they have put me on have made me incredibly emotional. I start crying at the littlest things. Also, because of this fact, I had another breakdown. I sat on the couch sobbing to my mom for about an hour today. I'm trying really hard to be as normal as I possibly can, but when people keep testing you to see how you will react to saying his name or other little tests like that... it gets incredibly tiring. And as much as I try not to let it bother me, after a while it becomes really hard to ignore.
I just really wish I knew what happened for everything to go so horribly wrong. I mean... how could we have gone from being so close to never wanting to speak to each other again. Does someone who is talking to me have any answers to that? I don't know.... but I really wish I had never said anything. I'm sick of keeping my guard up and pretending that none of this is affecting me. Plus on top of this... there are other emotions that are starting to come up that I know are absolutely ridiculous and stupid so I'm trying my best to stop them... but after everything its really hard. Especially since it sort of reminds me of how things used to be... which makes it almost worse at the same time. I just keep trying to tell myself that I am done with all of this guy drama. I'm sick of going through everything trying to get rid of all of my faults, and then everything goes horribly wrong anyway. Honestly, how is it possible to have your heart broken this many times and still have never even had anything come close to a relationship. I guess my life really is one cruel joke.
So yeah, I have absolutely no self- confidence anymore.... and I have pretty much given up on any hope for anything whatsoever. Especially after I saw a status on facebook that was about this one girl ( who hates me btw) that never shuts up and is always complaining about everything and everyone is now in a relationship. That alone made me want to cry, I mean, how horrible must I be if she can find someone and I'm always stuck feeling like crap.
I guess this is another reason I want to go to a giant college out of state, that way I can completely hide and no one will know who I am. I am so sick of all of this drama being created. I just want to be happy and go on with my life quietly surrounded only by the people I care about. Of course... the only problem with going far away is that I'm going to be leaving all of my best friends behind... that's gonna suck.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I guess I'll just go check on my neighbors cats and then make myself some more mashed potatoes.

nerves

I'm getting my wisdom teeth removed tomorrow, and as much as I know I should be scared for the actual procedure, even when I try I can't bring myself to be even the tiniest bit scared for it.
No, instead I have been freaking out all week over the fact that I won't be able to eat or drink anything all day until the procedure is over after 2 P.M. If you know me at all, you know that I'm a big eater. So the fact that I am going to be starving and won't be able to eat anything at all terrifies me. I even did a mini test today to see how I will do .... even though I had breakfast today, I was barely able to last until lunch without going crazy with hunger. Tomorrow is going to be my worst nightmare. And knowing my friends... I can think of at least 2 people who are going to shove food in front of my face to watch me squirm.
I can't wait...
The other thing I'm not looking forward to is the fact that I'm going to have to eat using tiny bites for the next few days. that's terrible. Ughhhh... I want normal food already.

Reunion

Honestly, I feel like my day today completely exemplifies the "typical teenage brain" topic that we are talking about in psychology at the moment. I was in such a bad mood through all of school today, and then I had one of the best nights I have had in a long time (this doesn't include the camping trip with my group of friends, that was on a whole 'nother level).  I'm not even sure why I was in a bad mood this morning, I just was... it wasn't like anything bad happened by that point. But then I overheard something at the beginning of lunch that made me want to punch through a brick wall I was so upset. I was waiting for my friend to get something out of his locker after we had just gotten out of psychology, and I heard a conversation coming from a couple of guys that were walking behind us. One of them made the comment "I don't know man... it's just so awkward" (which is what sparked my interest to begin with because it was nice to know that other people were having awkward situations like me... as horrible as that sounds) and I thought to myself how there was no way their situation could be anywhere near as awkward as mine is. Then I heard a different voice say "Dude, its not that hard to remedy... all you gotta do it talk to her." with a response saying "I dunno, maybe."
So yeah, I was curious. So I turned around briefly to see who it was. I wish I hadn't. Turns out the guy who gave the piece of advice as to how "easy" it was to remedy the situation, is the hypocrite that can't even take his own advice but instead puts his bullshit on someone else to relay the information.
I was so pissed off, I have no possible way to explain it without a whole lot of expletives. (And I am trying my hardest to keep this blog as clean as possible so I apologize for the above, but no other word does that it justice.) Honestly that is the closest I have ever come to hitting someone in my life. I was so angry I didn't speak for a good 10 minutes. I couldn't even express how angry I was at the situation until over an hour later when I had composed myself enough to keep from being an explosion of screaming and swearing.
I know my reaction probably seems a little bit over the top, but I think I have the right to be at least a slight bit justified. I mean... oh my god, I can't even comprehend that. Just go ahead and stab me a third time why don't you.
So yeah... I wasn't exactly keen on going through with the rest of my day after that one. Though, when I was talking to my mom about it, she said she felt so bad for me because I have had all the breakups but no relationships to begin with. I laughed pretty hard about that. Whatever higher power is out there has apparently made my life into some sort of sick practical joke. Well, if it provides someone with entertainment, then I guess I will just keep playing along :)

Tonight on the other hand... was SO. MUCH. FUN. So, I have to explain this a little bit. My moms group of friends from high school gets together every once in a while at Harry's Hofbreau (It's a local restaurant) to have dinner and catch up. A few of her friends have kids as well, who are just a couple years older then me and I have been really good friends with them for a long time. But since they are all in college now, I wasn't expecting any of them to be there. I didn't even bother hoping for them to be there because I figured it would be futile. Well, when I got there... Alyssa, who is my closest friend of all of them happened to be able to come. I haven't seen her in 4 years. I was so excited to see her I screamed! Another one of the "next generation" was there, Maleah ( I think that's how you spell her name, I don't know her quite as well) and she was telling all of her crazy bar stories... she's almost 22 now. It was also great to see all of my moms friends too, I hardly ever get to see them.  I can't even explain...  it was just fantastic, and Alyssa is going to add me on skype so we can talk more frequently now because there is no possible way that I am going to wait another 4 years to see her again. That is just not right.
So yeah, at least I got to end my day on a good note. :)