I've never really fit in. When I was younger I would always try to be excepted by others. Well, I guess that never really has stopped, as much as I would like to think that it has.
I'm not really sure what it is, or why it has always been this way, but something about my personality just doesn't really seem to mesh with most people. It's not that I have anger issues or like to show off, maybe I can get to emotional? I don't know, but for the sake of this post... it really doesn't matter.
There has always been a couple of people that I have found through the various stages of my life, who like me don't exactly fit in with what is considered the "norm,"but those people always change because they start to mix in and drift away eventually... and I just stay put. I know I have changed as a person, thank goodness! But, I feel like there are parts of me that have never changed ... but everyone around me seems to grow out of it and move on, leaving me behind.
And it's not like it's just my personality, my appearance is different too. I never "dress to impress" I dress to what fits my mood, so I will frequently show up to school in just jeans, sweatshirt and pony tail, without makeup. I never wear makeup... which i guess, for a 17 year old girl... can be considered a little strange? Plus it doesn't help that I'm 6 feet tall. That alone causes problems. People always try to tell me otherwise, but at the same time... the comments about it never stop. Even members of my own family have commented on the fact that I am too tall for guys around here, that guys my age are intimidated by my height, that I will never get cast in shows because I am too tall, and even though I can be perfectly qualified for a role and the director might even want me since I'm not short enough... I won't be cast. It's happened to my mom, the director even talked to her about it afterwords and apologized for the fact that there was nothing he could do about how society views these things.
And its things like this about our society that really bother me. No matter how accepting we claim to be, there always seems to be this cookie cutter idea of what things should be, and it's not going away any time soon. And again, going back to the height thing... in heterosexual relationships, it is perfectly acceptable for men to be taller, and significantly taller at that, than a woman. but if that is the other way around, as much as people will deny it, they will think it is funny or odd. I know this is true because when I saw a couple where the woman was a lot taller than the man she was with, my friends and the people around me started snickering. I didn't say anything, in fact, I just wanted to cry. I was only twelve at the time but I knew that someday... that was going to be me, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I know it shouldn't bother me what other people think. But I have never really had a very strong self-esteem and so after a long time of people making comments about it.... all you can really see is the negative. I wish this would change, especially since there are so many other girls out there like me... some have it even worse than I do, and they are all going through the exact same thing.
Even on the Internet, I was just looking through some other blogs here on blogger and I don't even fit on this website. Apparently, blogging is more for adults sharing recipes or parents documenting their families lives. So far as I can see, there are no other teenagers venting about their problems. Not that that is even surprising, the extent of blogging that most teenagers do is going on tumblr, which I think is a poor excuse for blogging. There is is hardly ever any actual expression of ideas on there, but rather just constantly reposting other quotes and pictures that other people have posted trying to rack up as many followers as possible.
But you know what, I'm tired of impressing other people or trying to fit in. Maybe this has been my problem all along. I have never really allowed myself the time to be myself, rather I have been entirely focused on what other people would think of me if I was in a specific situation. No more. I need to start accepting myself for who I am, and not who others think I should be.
I'm proud of my blog, I like being able to express what I'm going through and seeing that other people are actually reading it. I don't want to wish I was shorter anymore because if I was... then I wouldn't be who I am. If people are going to judge me, fine. go ahead. Don't expect me to judge anyone back because I won't. I don't need to waste my time on things like that. I have much more important things to worry about, like college apps, school, homework, 4-H, helping my friends with their problems, enjoying life, accomplishing my goals and just being the best version of my that I can be.
And nothing is going to get in the way of that.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
So much anger. So much hurt...
I am absolutely exhausted, have already fallen asleep on the couch. So logic would tell me to go to sleep and wait until tomorrow morning to write this. Nahh... I'll do it now anyway.
So as is obvious from my second most recent post, everything has gone horribly wrong. I'm not going into details because frankly, it's still really painful, and because its obvious my friends didn't want to tell me everything to keep me from being too upset. I'm glad for that because as it is I'm having a real hard time dealing with everything.
I was really upset yesterday, and didn't want to go to the football game because of the fact that i knew it would only make me feel worse. I'm really glad I did end up going, it had a different effect than I had expected it to. I only know this because I'm not a giant ball of tears and chocolate right now. But, I am hurting, bad. I'm trying not to show it, and most of the time I really am fine, I can go around and laugh and be happy like normal. All good signs. I had even been fool enough that I might have even gotten over it enough to completely not care in the span of a little over one day. Yeah... I was wrong. That's going to take a while. But it has nothing to do with the fact that he doesn't like me. No, I honestly couldn't care less about that at this point. It's a combination of a couple things.
1. I feel like I am a complete idiot for ever saying anything to the effect that I liked him because I now have lost a friend.
2. The fact that after three years of being able to confide pretty much anything in each other and all of the laughing and teasing and whathaveyou, he didn't even have the decency to tell me any of this to my face. Or to skip this whole mess and just have been honest to begin with, instead of the load of absolute crap I got instead.
3. Coming to terms with the fact that we are never going to talk to each other again. That didn't really sink in (honestly I still don't think it has fully done so) until the game tonight, and I almost burst into tears. To think that this has all come down to the point where one of the few people I had tried my hardest to maintain a friendship with, pretty much wants to avoid even agknowledging my existence... I feel like someone has punched me in the face.
4. Realizing that he is nothing like what I thought he was. So now every memory I have of him is tainted with immature douche bag. I don't even smile when I think back to old conversations anymore, it all just feels like one massive lie.
That and I realized that if he does decide to talk to me again, it is going to take a hell of a lot of restraint to keep me from screaming. I feel so much anger and pain at this point, that I can't even comprehend having a normal conversation with him. All I see in my head is anger, and quite a lot of some very inappropriate language. And for me, that is a big deal, because I try my hardest not to hate or dislike anyone no matter what they thought about me or anything. And up until this point, I have been pretty good at maintaining that... but I feel so betrayed right now that I can't help it.
So yeah, we aren't friends anymore. We never will be, nor will we ever come close to that again. I still wish him the best, but I am done. I no longer want anything to do with him. Ever.
So as is obvious from my second most recent post, everything has gone horribly wrong. I'm not going into details because frankly, it's still really painful, and because its obvious my friends didn't want to tell me everything to keep me from being too upset. I'm glad for that because as it is I'm having a real hard time dealing with everything.
I was really upset yesterday, and didn't want to go to the football game because of the fact that i knew it would only make me feel worse. I'm really glad I did end up going, it had a different effect than I had expected it to. I only know this because I'm not a giant ball of tears and chocolate right now. But, I am hurting, bad. I'm trying not to show it, and most of the time I really am fine, I can go around and laugh and be happy like normal. All good signs. I had even been fool enough that I might have even gotten over it enough to completely not care in the span of a little over one day. Yeah... I was wrong. That's going to take a while. But it has nothing to do with the fact that he doesn't like me. No, I honestly couldn't care less about that at this point. It's a combination of a couple things.
1. I feel like I am a complete idiot for ever saying anything to the effect that I liked him because I now have lost a friend.
2. The fact that after three years of being able to confide pretty much anything in each other and all of the laughing and teasing and whathaveyou, he didn't even have the decency to tell me any of this to my face. Or to skip this whole mess and just have been honest to begin with, instead of the load of absolute crap I got instead.
3. Coming to terms with the fact that we are never going to talk to each other again. That didn't really sink in (honestly I still don't think it has fully done so) until the game tonight, and I almost burst into tears. To think that this has all come down to the point where one of the few people I had tried my hardest to maintain a friendship with, pretty much wants to avoid even agknowledging my existence... I feel like someone has punched me in the face.
4. Realizing that he is nothing like what I thought he was. So now every memory I have of him is tainted with immature douche bag. I don't even smile when I think back to old conversations anymore, it all just feels like one massive lie.
That and I realized that if he does decide to talk to me again, it is going to take a hell of a lot of restraint to keep me from screaming. I feel so much anger and pain at this point, that I can't even comprehend having a normal conversation with him. All I see in my head is anger, and quite a lot of some very inappropriate language. And for me, that is a big deal, because I try my hardest not to hate or dislike anyone no matter what they thought about me or anything. And up until this point, I have been pretty good at maintaining that... but I feel so betrayed right now that I can't help it.
So yeah, we aren't friends anymore. We never will be, nor will we ever come close to that again. I still wish him the best, but I am done. I no longer want anything to do with him. Ever.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
oh well
Disregard everything I have said in any posts since I have begun blogging again. I should have listened to my gut from the beginning. I feel really stupid and should have never said anything in the first place. I think I'm doing okay, at least at the moment.... I've been expecting this for a while now and it's not like we've been talking anyway, so I think that's going to make things easier in the long run....
I'm just really glad I found out before I embarrassed myself and made the rest of my school year miserable. This is not going to be like 8th grade was. I know better this time.
I'm just really glad I found out before I embarrassed myself and made the rest of my school year miserable. This is not going to be like 8th grade was. I know better this time.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
ces't la vie
Okay, well maybe I sort of bailed out on my task at hand. And pretty much every single one of my friends who knows about it is going crazy with the fact that I need to talk to him. But at least now I know what to say, and thanks to Hagop I have been schooled in the ways of being appealing to the male species. Or ... something like that?
So hopefully, by tomorrow I will stop complaining about this whole thing and something will actually happen. For better or for worse, something is going to occur. And even if it is worse, it can't be all that more miserable than it is at the moment so I think I'm going to be ok.
On another note. My friends are starting to get into relationships, and to see them happy like that is pretty much one of the greatest things ever. I think its having an effect on me too... because even though nothing has changed for me. at all... I'm a lot happier. I'm about 180% sure its because of all the adorable stories that they all have... and I love hearing about them. It's so freaking cute.
Though one friend today was talking about how I should go to one of her sports practices because of all of the hot guys that are there.. and that their average height is about 5'11 ( still an inch shorter than me) so it would make me happy. It was at that moment that I realized that honestly... I could care less about how ripped or tall they are... because I doubt any of them could give me the amount of butterflies that I get even when I just think about ****. I don't care if one of them is an Abercrombie model and he is all over me. It won't happen. It certainly didn't when I was in San Diego this summer.
And I know that I'm probably being ridiculous because its not like I have any clue that he even likes me.... but no one else is interesting to me anymore. That's probably going to end up being a bad thing... ehh, I don't care anyway. So long as I can still think about something he said and then sit there smiling like an idiot, I honestly don't think anything is going to change.
So if you excuse me for a moment... I'm gonna go back to listening to music and dancing around my house because no one is watching ;)
So hopefully, by tomorrow I will stop complaining about this whole thing and something will actually happen. For better or for worse, something is going to occur. And even if it is worse, it can't be all that more miserable than it is at the moment so I think I'm going to be ok.
On another note. My friends are starting to get into relationships, and to see them happy like that is pretty much one of the greatest things ever. I think its having an effect on me too... because even though nothing has changed for me. at all... I'm a lot happier. I'm about 180% sure its because of all the adorable stories that they all have... and I love hearing about them. It's so freaking cute.
Though one friend today was talking about how I should go to one of her sports practices because of all of the hot guys that are there.. and that their average height is about 5'11 ( still an inch shorter than me) so it would make me happy. It was at that moment that I realized that honestly... I could care less about how ripped or tall they are... because I doubt any of them could give me the amount of butterflies that I get even when I just think about ****. I don't care if one of them is an Abercrombie model and he is all over me. It won't happen. It certainly didn't when I was in San Diego this summer.
And I know that I'm probably being ridiculous because its not like I have any clue that he even likes me.... but no one else is interesting to me anymore. That's probably going to end up being a bad thing... ehh, I don't care anyway. So long as I can still think about something he said and then sit there smiling like an idiot, I honestly don't think anything is going to change.
So if you excuse me for a moment... I'm gonna go back to listening to music and dancing around my house because no one is watching ;)
Monday, September 24, 2012
failure
So... I failed. I made a promise to myself, annnnndddd I broke it. That promise was even reinforced by a dare that was essentially an ultimatum. And I still didn't follow through.
I can't tell you how awful I feel about it. I was so determined to talk to him that I was sure that I was going to commit to my goal. I came so close. 3 fricken times. I could have had this all over with. Done. I wouldn't have to worry... but no. Instead I'm sitting on my bed furious with myself for being so pathetic that I can't even manage to speak to the one person that I've been dying to talk to for the past three months. I can't even begin to explain how horrible I feel, I'm just a big fat loser who is slowly getting to a point where I'm going to lose a good friend forever.
I cried. I was so upset with the fact that I couldn't do it, that I cried. I managed to walk far enough away so that I wasn't standing there in the parking lot crying in front of his friends but still. I felt so childish. I still do.
And yeah, I know I have tomorrow... but that's been the excuse Ive been making since school has started and I didn't want there to be a hope that I will succeed tomorrow. I want to be done with this, I want to be able to talk to him again, like the way we used to talk. I don't need anything else. I just can't stand this awkward situation we are in. I just want to go back to the way we were... is that to much to ask?
This wasn't the post I was expecting, I'm really sorry... I was going to talk about my weekend and how amazing it was, but I needed to vent. Maybe I'll tell you in the next couple of days.
I can't tell you how awful I feel about it. I was so determined to talk to him that I was sure that I was going to commit to my goal. I came so close. 3 fricken times. I could have had this all over with. Done. I wouldn't have to worry... but no. Instead I'm sitting on my bed furious with myself for being so pathetic that I can't even manage to speak to the one person that I've been dying to talk to for the past three months. I can't even begin to explain how horrible I feel, I'm just a big fat loser who is slowly getting to a point where I'm going to lose a good friend forever.
I cried. I was so upset with the fact that I couldn't do it, that I cried. I managed to walk far enough away so that I wasn't standing there in the parking lot crying in front of his friends but still. I felt so childish. I still do.
And yeah, I know I have tomorrow... but that's been the excuse Ive been making since school has started and I didn't want there to be a hope that I will succeed tomorrow. I want to be done with this, I want to be able to talk to him again, like the way we used to talk. I don't need anything else. I just can't stand this awkward situation we are in. I just want to go back to the way we were... is that to much to ask?
This wasn't the post I was expecting, I'm really sorry... I was going to talk about my weekend and how amazing it was, but I needed to vent. Maybe I'll tell you in the next couple of days.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Sudden Burst of Courage.
I'm gonna do it... I can't take this anymore. I'm sick of this silence, I need to say something and soon. I can't even sleep anymore. This isnt healthy, I can't keep going on like this. I'm done with reassuring myself with the fact that one day I will wake up and either have enough courage to say something or things will just work out so that I dont have to day much. NO, that's not going to happen. I'm not going to suddenly wake up and be courageous. Courage is being scared to death about something and then still going to get it done anyway. And that's what I have to do. Otherwise, nothing will ever happen, we probably won't get back to the way we used to be and I will forever look back and be so angry with myself that I never said anything. Never took the chance....
Maybe I'm not exactly sure what to say, maybe I'm getting my hopes up for nothing... but at this point, getting it over with is better then this miserable state I have been in. And if things work out, then GREAT! I don't think I could comprehend how happy I would be. But if it doesn't.... well then maybe after 3 years of this internal struggle I can finally bring myself to attempt to move on. I have no idea how thats going to happen, or exactly how painful that would be. But I'm not going to think about that unless it happens. For right now I just need to focus on the fact that I NEED to talk to him. Because I feel ridiculous. And I want to know. More than anything.
And I can't say I have ever had experience with any of this, and I have no idea what any form of that "L" word feels like. But I know for sure that what I feel is not the same as any other crush I have ever had, no way. He means so much more than that. Everything about this kid... every story, every fault, every disagreement. Everything. It's just perfect. Honestly, I couldn't imagine anyone else that can make me feel as if even my worst faults are normal. And every single insecurity I have... it's like they don't exsist when he's around. And I'm not exaggerating. I could go on for hours, but that isn't something for the internet.
Someday, I'll be able to tell him all of this, it won't be for a while, but it is going to happen. Probably when we graduate... and I am going to plan it because I can't just bear out my soul like that on a whim. Especially when it involves him, because he means too much to me. It wouldnt be good enough.
So yeah, I guess this is my sudden splurge of courage. The point where I completely admit everything and no longer can stand it. If its not tomorrow, then Monday. And thus, what I thought was going to be a short post of just a couple of lines.... turns into another rant. Not a surprise, I tend to ramble a little bit when it comes to this stuff. You have no idea how hard it has been to hide everything from him for this long. That has definitely been so much harder than saying anything I need to say to him in the comming days will be.
Wish me luck.
Maybe I'm not exactly sure what to say, maybe I'm getting my hopes up for nothing... but at this point, getting it over with is better then this miserable state I have been in. And if things work out, then GREAT! I don't think I could comprehend how happy I would be. But if it doesn't.... well then maybe after 3 years of this internal struggle I can finally bring myself to attempt to move on. I have no idea how thats going to happen, or exactly how painful that would be. But I'm not going to think about that unless it happens. For right now I just need to focus on the fact that I NEED to talk to him. Because I feel ridiculous. And I want to know. More than anything.
And I can't say I have ever had experience with any of this, and I have no idea what any form of that "L" word feels like. But I know for sure that what I feel is not the same as any other crush I have ever had, no way. He means so much more than that. Everything about this kid... every story, every fault, every disagreement. Everything. It's just perfect. Honestly, I couldn't imagine anyone else that can make me feel as if even my worst faults are normal. And every single insecurity I have... it's like they don't exsist when he's around. And I'm not exaggerating. I could go on for hours, but that isn't something for the internet.
Someday, I'll be able to tell him all of this, it won't be for a while, but it is going to happen. Probably when we graduate... and I am going to plan it because I can't just bear out my soul like that on a whim. Especially when it involves him, because he means too much to me. It wouldnt be good enough.
So yeah, I guess this is my sudden splurge of courage. The point where I completely admit everything and no longer can stand it. If its not tomorrow, then Monday. And thus, what I thought was going to be a short post of just a couple of lines.... turns into another rant. Not a surprise, I tend to ramble a little bit when it comes to this stuff. You have no idea how hard it has been to hide everything from him for this long. That has definitely been so much harder than saying anything I need to say to him in the comming days will be.
Wish me luck.
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