So today marked the start of Homecoming week. It was pajama day today, so no one was really over the top crazy... the craziest thing that people wore was wearing onesies. I tend to be really fond of people that go over the top with spirit days, I try to most of the time but somethings are really difficult to do. So that caused me to end up running into some internal problems. I was pretty much fighting between memory and reality... again. I really wish that I could just get rid of all of those memories so that none of this would even matter. Unfortunately that isn't possible. My hope is that my stupid emotions won't get in the way of having fun the rest of homecoming like its seemed to have put a damper on pretty much everything else at school this year. At least tomorrow I can feel comfortable tomorrow since its miss-matched day... which is pretty much what I wear every day. They need to rename it after me. No, I'm not that special. I'm getting super excited for Halloween though. It's going to be perfect. Just you wait.
...
I was thinking about how I was feeling about life this summer as compared to now. Understandably, with that I thought was going on this summer, I was in a good mood, and really excited fro school to start back up again. I kept telling everyone how this year was going to be different. Yeah, we were going to start out senior year and everything but the entire time I only had one person on my mind. In a way, I was right, about pretty much everything. This year is different, really different, and it is all because of that one person. I just never saw the deception and ambiguity of it all. I have no idea how everything changed so fast, and I'm pretty sure that I will never know. I can't tell you how many times I have played through the past three years in my mind thinking about all of the things I could have done differently so that none of this would have happened. Yeah, it's been painful (which I've made blatantly obvious) and it will continue to be for what I'm assuming will be quite a while, but I have learned a lot. I'm not saying I took that ... whatever we had... for granted, I didn't, but I was foolish to think that there was no risk of ever losing that. Deep down I knew the risks of that for a really long time, but I chose to ignore that. And now that everything has ended, I can't even take the time to appreciate it for what it was. And I have no idea what the future holds, but it breaks my heart to think about any of it at the moment. I used to imagine how we would keep in contact in college and still be friends after high school ended. I guess that was just another foolish thought.
What makes me feel even more foolish is the fact that none of anything seems to matter to him. So while I'm sitting around constantly thinking of old inside jokes or conversations, and how there are so many things that I won't be able to watch or listen to or anything for a long time because of the association, he doesn't care about any of it. Not even the fact that I'm the reason he was able to pass about 4 of his classes....
I wish I knew why things like this happen, I know we need to grow and learn and make mistakes, but sometimes the troubles we go through seem ridiculous and unnecessary. He really is a good person, and I hope he goes far in life and is happy, if not, that would probably break my heart more than it is now.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
I'm starting to crumble
I'm really stressed out right now so I need to take a break from everything. I've been working on college apps, scholarship apps, a conference app, and my homework all at the same time. It's only slightly crazy.
And I feel bad because all of this stress has prevented me from being able to blog at all. So I'm really sorry that I've been MIA recently, I've been trying to find time to write, but all attempts have availed me.
I'm also having problems with just thinking right now. I seem to have this need to torture myself at the moment. I don't really know whats going on, but i think it's because of the fact that I'm having such an incredibly hard time letting go. I feel like I'm suck inside a rubber band, every time I get close... I snap back harder than before. I'm desperately trying to get out of this, I'm sick of this aching pain that I get with every memory.
That's the other problem, as much as I'm angry and hurt and everything... I find it impossible to hate him. Part of it is the fact that everything that we had gone through in the past has kept me from it. And I keep defending him, like that's going to do me any good. I mean, this is freaking insane... the things he said and did were terrible but I feel the need to defend the fact that he is a good person, even now. I'm starting to see the fault in my inability to see the bad in everyone expect myself.
I also finally bought Taylor Swift's new album. Half of the songs on there are pretty much a compilation of what is going on in my head. Hence the reason why I am torturing myself. I've been listening to it on repeat and have been on the verge of tears at least 6 times. I'm 80% sure this unhealthy. The only things that are keeping me together at the moment are Amanda, my grades (they are amazing at the moment, so it's a major confidence boost), and my mom. All of my friends have been great, and I'm super thankful for them for putting up with me... I know it's exhausting, and I'm trying to keep as much of it to myself as possible so that they don't get sick of me.
And there... it happened, I wrote yet another obnoxious post that I have been trying so hard to avoid. I'm surprised people don't stop reading my blog because of all of this. I'm being quite the stereotypical whiny teenager. Thanks for putting up with me.
"Hey you called me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumbled up piece of paper lying here
Cause I remember it all too well..."
And I feel bad because all of this stress has prevented me from being able to blog at all. So I'm really sorry that I've been MIA recently, I've been trying to find time to write, but all attempts have availed me.
I'm also having problems with just thinking right now. I seem to have this need to torture myself at the moment. I don't really know whats going on, but i think it's because of the fact that I'm having such an incredibly hard time letting go. I feel like I'm suck inside a rubber band, every time I get close... I snap back harder than before. I'm desperately trying to get out of this, I'm sick of this aching pain that I get with every memory.
That's the other problem, as much as I'm angry and hurt and everything... I find it impossible to hate him. Part of it is the fact that everything that we had gone through in the past has kept me from it. And I keep defending him, like that's going to do me any good. I mean, this is freaking insane... the things he said and did were terrible but I feel the need to defend the fact that he is a good person, even now. I'm starting to see the fault in my inability to see the bad in everyone expect myself.
I also finally bought Taylor Swift's new album. Half of the songs on there are pretty much a compilation of what is going on in my head. Hence the reason why I am torturing myself. I've been listening to it on repeat and have been on the verge of tears at least 6 times. I'm 80% sure this unhealthy. The only things that are keeping me together at the moment are Amanda, my grades (they are amazing at the moment, so it's a major confidence boost), and my mom. All of my friends have been great, and I'm super thankful for them for putting up with me... I know it's exhausting, and I'm trying to keep as much of it to myself as possible so that they don't get sick of me.
And there... it happened, I wrote yet another obnoxious post that I have been trying so hard to avoid. I'm surprised people don't stop reading my blog because of all of this. I'm being quite the stereotypical whiny teenager. Thanks for putting up with me.
"Hey you called me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumbled up piece of paper lying here
Cause I remember it all too well..."
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
this is impossible
I'm really sorry that it has been a couple days since I have posted anything. I was going to post something this weekend but I was so busy with the haunted house that I was organizing that I didn't have time to even breath.
I'm not exactly sure what I want to talk about in this post... well I can't say that is true, I know exactly what I am going to talk about but considering I have been having a very difficult time putting the thoughts together coherently to myself I am not sure exactly how they are going to be translated into blog form. So bear with me, if nothing makes sense... well, that would be why.
Okay, Friday night (this was after I posted otherwise I would have written something about it then) I was talking to my mom about things that had happened that day that had really affected me. It resulted in the biggest meltdown that I have had in a long time. And because of everything that happened... I am now back to step one in the getting over someone phase.
But before I go on sounding like a whiny, pathetic loser, I would like to talk about something briefly to clarify somethings. Normally, I would just keep on rambling but considering some of the comments that were made towards me on Friday, I feel that I need to justify what I am going through a little bit more. Yes, I know, I never dated the guy... but that does not mean that I didn't have a relationship with him, it was just a different kind of relationship. Not only that, but it had been that way since fairly early on in my Freshman year of high school, and had feelings for him pretty much that whole time (even though I wouldn't admit this until much later on). That's three years now. Now after three years of being good friends and getting closer the whole time, he decides he never wants anything to do with me ever again, and doesn't even have the decency to tell me that to my face. I think I deserve to be upset about this. If you feel otherwise, I would prefer you to tell me in a manner that won't hurt my feelings and it won't be in the vicinity so that he can hear everything you say about the matter. I don't mind you telling me, I promise that if you do I will stop mentioning it, but please be polite about it. The whole concept of relationships and how that connects to my self-esteem has always been a sensitive issue with me.
Okay, now that I have clarified that a little bit, I think that it is fine to go on with my story. So Friday night, after all of the sobbing and talking to my mom, I decided I was absolutely exhausted and went to bed. Little did I know that this was the start of a long weekend of restless sleep because of these terrible dreams I was about to start having. But that first one was by far the worst, because it can and probably will happen, which scares me really bad at the moment. So, in this dream I was going to an assembly or some kind of presentation where I wasn't with people I normally have classes with. It ended up being that he sat right in front of me. I was really uncomfortable and tried to pretend like I didn't know he was there. Suddenly he turned around and made a comment that was along the lines of
'so are we not talking anymore?'
I was angry at the comment because the answer seemed obvious to me. So I responded, and the conversation escalated very quickly and had soon gotten to the point where we were screaming at each other. I still remember most of it vividly, and it was along the lines of the following:
'Well considering you want nothing to do with me, it sure seems like it.'
'So I guess we can't call ourselves friends anymore.'
'Really?!? After all of this, you are just NOW saying that we aren't friends anymore?!?!!'
'What the hell is wrong with you? I was just trying to start a conversation!'
'A conversation!?! You think that we can just go back to talking normally after you left me hanging for months, wondering what happened and hoping nothing had changed. And then you don't even bother to try to explain ANYTHING, but instead tell someone else that you are done with me so that THEY can pass on the news! Honestly?!?'
'So you blame all of this on me?!'
'OF COURSE I DO! I sent you that message this summer, and you acted like you were interested... and then NOTHING!'
'YOU WERE TOO LATE! I CHANGE-'
'I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT! what bothers me was the fact that you didn't have the decency to tell me any of this YOURSELF! You dumped it on **, dragging him into something that should have just been OUR problem and leaving him depressed because he didn't want to hurt me! Do you think that avoiding ONE awkward conversation is better than BEING HONEST!'
'PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES FOR A SECOND! YOU CAN'T TELL ME YOU WOULD DO ANY DIFFERENT!'
'I HAVE! AND I WOULD NEVER BE SO HORRIBLE TO LEAD SOMEONE ON LIKE THAT ONLY TO CRUSH THEM! You know? After three years of thinking that you were one of the nicest, funniest people I had ever met, I honestly can't STAND the sight of you anymore. I don't care if your friends are judging me all of the time, you were the one that told everyone about this. NOT ME. I'm done with you.'
'FINE!'
yeah... it was longer than that, with a lot more personal details and swearing but you pretty much get the point. I woke up and felt like I was in a daze for pretty much the rest of the day, it felt so real... which meant that I had essentially had 2 major arguments in one day. I don't even know what to think of it a few days later. All I have been able to get out of it was that it was really an argument within myself, the side that wants to hold on and the side that wants to move on. Unfortunately, it seems like neither side wants to budge. I feel like I am just as bad now as I was a few weeks ago. But going through school is really hard when there are constantly things that I see that remind me of old conversations and such, and I still have such a hard time letting go of all of that.
It's the hardest thing in the world to go from 180 to 0 in a matter of seconds, it takes time to slow down. It also helps to know whats happening, which I don't. And regardless of where you stand relationship wise... if you have feelings for someone that long, they are going to be strong. Like it was dizzying, I could be completely focused on something and even at the mention of him or something he said would make me smile and lose focus for the longest time. I don't know what falling for someone is like, but I'm sure there was at least a small part of me that was beginning to at least. So to get over someone immediately after all of that is one of the hardest things I can think of. It's even worse when you see them and you start to think old thoughts you used to have about how good you think they look that day and how you would just long to be next to them. And every time I have caught myself I feel even more miserable than I did before. I'm trying so hard to move on, it's crazy. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like I keep walking in circles, getting a little bit stronger and then heading back to the start all over again. And I have lost all hope in myself, there has to be something wrong with me that I'm just not seeing. That is the only possible explanation for all of this.
I am so sorry for the rambling, I just really need to think through this... and I hope I will have other happier stuff to talk about soon, because I am sure everyone who reads this is absolutely sick with the fact that I am boring and going on and on about a stupid teenage boy.
I'm not exactly sure what I want to talk about in this post... well I can't say that is true, I know exactly what I am going to talk about but considering I have been having a very difficult time putting the thoughts together coherently to myself I am not sure exactly how they are going to be translated into blog form. So bear with me, if nothing makes sense... well, that would be why.
Okay, Friday night (this was after I posted otherwise I would have written something about it then) I was talking to my mom about things that had happened that day that had really affected me. It resulted in the biggest meltdown that I have had in a long time. And because of everything that happened... I am now back to step one in the getting over someone phase.
But before I go on sounding like a whiny, pathetic loser, I would like to talk about something briefly to clarify somethings. Normally, I would just keep on rambling but considering some of the comments that were made towards me on Friday, I feel that I need to justify what I am going through a little bit more. Yes, I know, I never dated the guy... but that does not mean that I didn't have a relationship with him, it was just a different kind of relationship. Not only that, but it had been that way since fairly early on in my Freshman year of high school, and had feelings for him pretty much that whole time (even though I wouldn't admit this until much later on). That's three years now. Now after three years of being good friends and getting closer the whole time, he decides he never wants anything to do with me ever again, and doesn't even have the decency to tell me that to my face. I think I deserve to be upset about this. If you feel otherwise, I would prefer you to tell me in a manner that won't hurt my feelings and it won't be in the vicinity so that he can hear everything you say about the matter. I don't mind you telling me, I promise that if you do I will stop mentioning it, but please be polite about it. The whole concept of relationships and how that connects to my self-esteem has always been a sensitive issue with me.
Okay, now that I have clarified that a little bit, I think that it is fine to go on with my story. So Friday night, after all of the sobbing and talking to my mom, I decided I was absolutely exhausted and went to bed. Little did I know that this was the start of a long weekend of restless sleep because of these terrible dreams I was about to start having. But that first one was by far the worst, because it can and probably will happen, which scares me really bad at the moment. So, in this dream I was going to an assembly or some kind of presentation where I wasn't with people I normally have classes with. It ended up being that he sat right in front of me. I was really uncomfortable and tried to pretend like I didn't know he was there. Suddenly he turned around and made a comment that was along the lines of
'so are we not talking anymore?'
I was angry at the comment because the answer seemed obvious to me. So I responded, and the conversation escalated very quickly and had soon gotten to the point where we were screaming at each other. I still remember most of it vividly, and it was along the lines of the following:
'Well considering you want nothing to do with me, it sure seems like it.'
'So I guess we can't call ourselves friends anymore.'
'Really?!? After all of this, you are just NOW saying that we aren't friends anymore?!?!!'
'What the hell is wrong with you? I was just trying to start a conversation!'
'A conversation!?! You think that we can just go back to talking normally after you left me hanging for months, wondering what happened and hoping nothing had changed. And then you don't even bother to try to explain ANYTHING, but instead tell someone else that you are done with me so that THEY can pass on the news! Honestly?!?'
'So you blame all of this on me?!'
'OF COURSE I DO! I sent you that message this summer, and you acted like you were interested... and then NOTHING!'
'YOU WERE TOO LATE! I CHANGE-'
'I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT! what bothers me was the fact that you didn't have the decency to tell me any of this YOURSELF! You dumped it on **, dragging him into something that should have just been OUR problem and leaving him depressed because he didn't want to hurt me! Do you think that avoiding ONE awkward conversation is better than BEING HONEST!'
'PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES FOR A SECOND! YOU CAN'T TELL ME YOU WOULD DO ANY DIFFERENT!'
'I HAVE! AND I WOULD NEVER BE SO HORRIBLE TO LEAD SOMEONE ON LIKE THAT ONLY TO CRUSH THEM! You know? After three years of thinking that you were one of the nicest, funniest people I had ever met, I honestly can't STAND the sight of you anymore. I don't care if your friends are judging me all of the time, you were the one that told everyone about this. NOT ME. I'm done with you.'
'FINE!'
yeah... it was longer than that, with a lot more personal details and swearing but you pretty much get the point. I woke up and felt like I was in a daze for pretty much the rest of the day, it felt so real... which meant that I had essentially had 2 major arguments in one day. I don't even know what to think of it a few days later. All I have been able to get out of it was that it was really an argument within myself, the side that wants to hold on and the side that wants to move on. Unfortunately, it seems like neither side wants to budge. I feel like I am just as bad now as I was a few weeks ago. But going through school is really hard when there are constantly things that I see that remind me of old conversations and such, and I still have such a hard time letting go of all of that.
It's the hardest thing in the world to go from 180 to 0 in a matter of seconds, it takes time to slow down. It also helps to know whats happening, which I don't. And regardless of where you stand relationship wise... if you have feelings for someone that long, they are going to be strong. Like it was dizzying, I could be completely focused on something and even at the mention of him or something he said would make me smile and lose focus for the longest time. I don't know what falling for someone is like, but I'm sure there was at least a small part of me that was beginning to at least. So to get over someone immediately after all of that is one of the hardest things I can think of. It's even worse when you see them and you start to think old thoughts you used to have about how good you think they look that day and how you would just long to be next to them. And every time I have caught myself I feel even more miserable than I did before. I'm trying so hard to move on, it's crazy. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like I keep walking in circles, getting a little bit stronger and then heading back to the start all over again. And I have lost all hope in myself, there has to be something wrong with me that I'm just not seeing. That is the only possible explanation for all of this.
I am so sorry for the rambling, I just really need to think through this... and I hope I will have other happier stuff to talk about soon, because I am sure everyone who reads this is absolutely sick with the fact that I am boring and going on and on about a stupid teenage boy.
Friday, October 19, 2012
GO SEQUOIA GO!!!!!
Today was a big day. Let me rephrase that. Today was a HUGE day. My high school, Sequoia, is a huge rivals with this other local high school Woodside. Well tonight our two schools had a football game against eachother. This is only the second year we have had a rival school game for a long time. Last year, the game was at Woodside (I ended up not going) and it was a really close game... that we ended up losing. We were incredibly embarrassed because our team is generally REALLY good, and theirs.. isn't. So this year, not only did we want to make up for what happened last year, but we also had the game on OUR turf.
Now, this week was technically supposed to be our homecoming week. But because the rivalry between the schools is so bad, the Administration didn't want a huge fight to break out so they pushed the actual homecoming week later. The student bodies of both schools... we didn't care. Both schools cheer teams, bands, and dance teams worked really hard to try and outdo the others. And dare I say, we outshown them, by SO much. And the shining star was my dear friend Lorenzo. Oh my word, I love that kid so much right now, he joined our schools cheer team so that he can add to the squad with some of his gymnastic skills. He was doing all sorts of flips all over the place and everyone in the stands went CRAZY!!!! And our dance team... oh my god they blew everyone away! Honestly, I have not seen our school preform anything that comes even close to how amazing this was tonight, and we have had some pretty dang amazing performances in the past.
And not only that, but we blew them out of the water with a final score of 32-7. Feast on that Woodside, just because you have the money doesn't mean that you have half of the school pride that we Cherokees do <3.
Even our principal had the biggest smile on her face that I had ever seen. That says it all, tonight was absolutely amazing... I don't think even the homecoming game will be able to live up to how awesome this was.
GO CHEROKEES!!!!!!!!
Now, this week was technically supposed to be our homecoming week. But because the rivalry between the schools is so bad, the Administration didn't want a huge fight to break out so they pushed the actual homecoming week later. The student bodies of both schools... we didn't care. Both schools cheer teams, bands, and dance teams worked really hard to try and outdo the others. And dare I say, we outshown them, by SO much. And the shining star was my dear friend Lorenzo. Oh my word, I love that kid so much right now, he joined our schools cheer team so that he can add to the squad with some of his gymnastic skills. He was doing all sorts of flips all over the place and everyone in the stands went CRAZY!!!! And our dance team... oh my god they blew everyone away! Honestly, I have not seen our school preform anything that comes even close to how amazing this was tonight, and we have had some pretty dang amazing performances in the past.
And not only that, but we blew them out of the water with a final score of 32-7. Feast on that Woodside, just because you have the money doesn't mean that you have half of the school pride that we Cherokees do <3.
Even our principal had the biggest smile on her face that I had ever seen. That says it all, tonight was absolutely amazing... I don't think even the homecoming game will be able to live up to how awesome this was.
GO CHEROKEES!!!!!!!!
Thursday, October 18, 2012
no reason
I have a chemistry test tomorrow morning. I was terrified for it because I had no idea what was going on at all in this chapter... no matter how many times I looked at the notes to figure it out it didnt make sense. Then tonight, boom. Everything started to click together. Considering I didn't even look at half of the material until tonight and I still managed to get an A on the practice test... I dare say I am pretty proud. That and I am now confident for the test tomorrow. YAY!
But.. while I was studying for my test... a commercial started playing on the TV in the other room... and that song was playing in it. I pretty much siezed up. I'm trying my best not to listen to that song, and not to react to anything so that I can get over everything faster. So hearing the song play unexpectedly really didn't help. AT. ALL. I tried to focus on my homework, but five minutes later I couldn't take it anymore... and I started crying to my mom. again.
I'm so done with this.
I'm done with trying to seem like I'm perfectly fine all of the time so that anyone who is going to judge me won't have any reason to.
I'm done with constantly trying to improve my flaws so that maybe whatever happened this time wont happen again in the future.
I'm done with constantly getting my hopes up... only to have everything come crashing down on me.
I'm done with investing so much into things that obviously mean absolutely nothing to everyone else.
I'm done with people.
Honestly, I couldn't be any more frustrated with my life right now... constantly maintaining my composure like I am now, is one of the most difficult things I have had to do. I don't wish this on anyone.
But.. while I was studying for my test... a commercial started playing on the TV in the other room... and that song was playing in it. I pretty much siezed up. I'm trying my best not to listen to that song, and not to react to anything so that I can get over everything faster. So hearing the song play unexpectedly really didn't help. AT. ALL. I tried to focus on my homework, but five minutes later I couldn't take it anymore... and I started crying to my mom. again.
I'm so done with this.
I'm done with trying to seem like I'm perfectly fine all of the time so that anyone who is going to judge me won't have any reason to.
I'm done with constantly trying to improve my flaws so that maybe whatever happened this time wont happen again in the future.
I'm done with constantly getting my hopes up... only to have everything come crashing down on me.
I'm done with investing so much into things that obviously mean absolutely nothing to everyone else.
I'm done with people.
Honestly, I couldn't be any more frustrated with my life right now... constantly maintaining my composure like I am now, is one of the most difficult things I have had to do. I don't wish this on anyone.
Monday, October 15, 2012
red
I have to admit, I have been really.... disappointed with Taylor Swift's more recent music. I have always been a huge fan... but as time has passed I have just found myself more and more annoyed with the direction she is taking with her music. Yes there are a couple of exceptions to this, I am not going to lie, but on the whole... her new music drives me crazy.
Because of this, I am reluctant to listen to anything off of her new album that is coming out very soon... but today I finally gave in and listened to the title song off of the album: Red.
She's done it again... another song that describes exactly what I am feeling. I cried when I listened to it. It's been so hard to describe what I am going through right now... especially since there's a lot of things I wouldn't like to admit, even to myself. But this song... it hit home, let's just leave it at that.
I still haven't completely regained my lover for her work... but I'm okay with it at the moment. Either way I am definitely going to be stuck on this song for a while, at least until I get over things...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZW8QNIiu1A
Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoesTell myself it’s time now, gotta let goBut moving on from him is impossibleWhen I still see it all in my head
Because of this, I am reluctant to listen to anything off of her new album that is coming out very soon... but today I finally gave in and listened to the title song off of the album: Red.
She's done it again... another song that describes exactly what I am feeling. I cried when I listened to it. It's been so hard to describe what I am going through right now... especially since there's a lot of things I wouldn't like to admit, even to myself. But this song... it hit home, let's just leave it at that.
I still haven't completely regained my lover for her work... but I'm okay with it at the moment. Either way I am definitely going to be stuck on this song for a while, at least until I get over things...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZW8QNIiu1A
Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoesTell myself it’s time now, gotta let goBut moving on from him is impossibleWhen I still see it all in my head
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Applesauce, tofu, mashed potatoes and another breakdown
There is something about getting your wisdom teeth removed that makes you feel absolutely useless, I have done absolutely nothing all day and find it impossible to get anything done whatsoever.
Whats even worse then that is the fact that I CAN'T EAT NORMAL FOOD. It's only been a little over 24 hours since my surgery and I'm already sick of eating like a baby. It took me over an hour to eat a single 2'1' block of tofu... how pathetic is that!
I wish so badly that I could eat something crunchy... or have a sandwich from Ike's or something! I'm so sick of baby food type things.
Also, I never got loopy from the anesthesia... but I haven't gone unaffected. All of the meds they have put me on have made me incredibly emotional. I start crying at the littlest things. Also, because of this fact, I had another breakdown. I sat on the couch sobbing to my mom for about an hour today. I'm trying really hard to be as normal as I possibly can, but when people keep testing you to see how you will react to saying his name or other little tests like that... it gets incredibly tiring. And as much as I try not to let it bother me, after a while it becomes really hard to ignore.
I just really wish I knew what happened for everything to go so horribly wrong. I mean... how could we have gone from being so close to never wanting to speak to each other again. Does someone who is talking to me have any answers to that? I don't know.... but I really wish I had never said anything. I'm sick of keeping my guard up and pretending that none of this is affecting me. Plus on top of this... there are other emotions that are starting to come up that I know are absolutely ridiculous and stupid so I'm trying my best to stop them... but after everything its really hard. Especially since it sort of reminds me of how things used to be... which makes it almost worse at the same time. I just keep trying to tell myself that I am done with all of this guy drama. I'm sick of going through everything trying to get rid of all of my faults, and then everything goes horribly wrong anyway. Honestly, how is it possible to have your heart broken this many times and still have never even had anything come close to a relationship. I guess my life really is one cruel joke.
So yeah, I have absolutely no self- confidence anymore.... and I have pretty much given up on any hope for anything whatsoever. Especially after I saw a status on facebook that was about this one girl ( who hates me btw) that never shuts up and is always complaining about everything and everyone is now in a relationship. That alone made me want to cry, I mean, how horrible must I be if she can find someone and I'm always stuck feeling like crap.
I guess this is another reason I want to go to a giant college out of state, that way I can completely hide and no one will know who I am. I am so sick of all of this drama being created. I just want to be happy and go on with my life quietly surrounded only by the people I care about. Of course... the only problem with going far away is that I'm going to be leaving all of my best friends behind... that's gonna suck.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I guess I'll just go check on my neighbors cats and then make myself some more mashed potatoes.
Whats even worse then that is the fact that I CAN'T EAT NORMAL FOOD. It's only been a little over 24 hours since my surgery and I'm already sick of eating like a baby. It took me over an hour to eat a single 2'1' block of tofu... how pathetic is that!
I wish so badly that I could eat something crunchy... or have a sandwich from Ike's or something! I'm so sick of baby food type things.
Also, I never got loopy from the anesthesia... but I haven't gone unaffected. All of the meds they have put me on have made me incredibly emotional. I start crying at the littlest things. Also, because of this fact, I had another breakdown. I sat on the couch sobbing to my mom for about an hour today. I'm trying really hard to be as normal as I possibly can, but when people keep testing you to see how you will react to saying his name or other little tests like that... it gets incredibly tiring. And as much as I try not to let it bother me, after a while it becomes really hard to ignore.
I just really wish I knew what happened for everything to go so horribly wrong. I mean... how could we have gone from being so close to never wanting to speak to each other again. Does someone who is talking to me have any answers to that? I don't know.... but I really wish I had never said anything. I'm sick of keeping my guard up and pretending that none of this is affecting me. Plus on top of this... there are other emotions that are starting to come up that I know are absolutely ridiculous and stupid so I'm trying my best to stop them... but after everything its really hard. Especially since it sort of reminds me of how things used to be... which makes it almost worse at the same time. I just keep trying to tell myself that I am done with all of this guy drama. I'm sick of going through everything trying to get rid of all of my faults, and then everything goes horribly wrong anyway. Honestly, how is it possible to have your heart broken this many times and still have never even had anything come close to a relationship. I guess my life really is one cruel joke.
So yeah, I have absolutely no self- confidence anymore.... and I have pretty much given up on any hope for anything whatsoever. Especially after I saw a status on facebook that was about this one girl ( who hates me btw) that never shuts up and is always complaining about everything and everyone is now in a relationship. That alone made me want to cry, I mean, how horrible must I be if she can find someone and I'm always stuck feeling like crap.
I guess this is another reason I want to go to a giant college out of state, that way I can completely hide and no one will know who I am. I am so sick of all of this drama being created. I just want to be happy and go on with my life quietly surrounded only by the people I care about. Of course... the only problem with going far away is that I'm going to be leaving all of my best friends behind... that's gonna suck.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I guess I'll just go check on my neighbors cats and then make myself some more mashed potatoes.
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