I've never really fit in. When I was younger I would always try to be excepted by others. Well, I guess that never really has stopped, as much as I would like to think that it has.
I'm not really sure what it is, or why it has always been this way, but something about my personality just doesn't really seem to mesh with most people. It's not that I have anger issues or like to show off, maybe I can get to emotional? I don't know, but for the sake of this post... it really doesn't matter.
There has always been a couple of people that I have found through the various stages of my life, who like me don't exactly fit in with what is considered the "norm,"but those people always change because they start to mix in and drift away eventually... and I just stay put. I know I have changed as a person, thank goodness! But, I feel like there are parts of me that have never changed ... but everyone around me seems to grow out of it and move on, leaving me behind.
And it's not like it's just my personality, my appearance is different too. I never "dress to impress" I dress to what fits my mood, so I will frequently show up to school in just jeans, sweatshirt and pony tail, without makeup. I never wear makeup... which i guess, for a 17 year old girl... can be considered a little strange? Plus it doesn't help that I'm 6 feet tall. That alone causes problems. People always try to tell me otherwise, but at the same time... the comments about it never stop. Even members of my own family have commented on the fact that I am too tall for guys around here, that guys my age are intimidated by my height, that I will never get cast in shows because I am too tall, and even though I can be perfectly qualified for a role and the director might even want me since I'm not short enough... I won't be cast. It's happened to my mom, the director even talked to her about it afterwords and apologized for the fact that there was nothing he could do about how society views these things.
And its things like this about our society that really bother me. No matter how accepting we claim to be, there always seems to be this cookie cutter idea of what things should be, and it's not going away any time soon. And again, going back to the height thing... in heterosexual relationships, it is perfectly acceptable for men to be taller, and significantly taller at that, than a woman. but if that is the other way around, as much as people will deny it, they will think it is funny or odd. I know this is true because when I saw a couple where the woman was a lot taller than the man she was with, my friends and the people around me started snickering. I didn't say anything, in fact, I just wanted to cry. I was only twelve at the time but I knew that someday... that was going to be me, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I know it shouldn't bother me what other people think. But I have never really had a very strong self-esteem and so after a long time of people making comments about it.... all you can really see is the negative. I wish this would change, especially since there are so many other girls out there like me... some have it even worse than I do, and they are all going through the exact same thing.
Even on the Internet, I was just looking through some other blogs here on blogger and I don't even fit on this website. Apparently, blogging is more for adults sharing recipes or parents documenting their families lives. So far as I can see, there are no other teenagers venting about their problems. Not that that is even surprising, the extent of blogging that most teenagers do is going on tumblr, which I think is a poor excuse for blogging. There is is hardly ever any actual expression of ideas on there, but rather just constantly reposting other quotes and pictures that other people have posted trying to rack up as many followers as possible.
But you know what, I'm tired of impressing other people or trying to fit in. Maybe this has been my problem all along. I have never really allowed myself the time to be myself, rather I have been entirely focused on what other people would think of me if I was in a specific situation. No more. I need to start accepting myself for who I am, and not who others think I should be.
I'm proud of my blog, I like being able to express what I'm going through and seeing that other people are actually reading it. I don't want to wish I was shorter anymore because if I was... then I wouldn't be who I am. If people are going to judge me, fine. go ahead. Don't expect me to judge anyone back because I won't. I don't need to waste my time on things like that. I have much more important things to worry about, like college apps, school, homework, 4-H, helping my friends with their problems, enjoying life, accomplishing my goals and just being the best version of my that I can be.
And nothing is going to get in the way of that.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
So much anger. So much hurt...
I am absolutely exhausted, have already fallen asleep on the couch. So logic would tell me to go to sleep and wait until tomorrow morning to write this. Nahh... I'll do it now anyway.
So as is obvious from my second most recent post, everything has gone horribly wrong. I'm not going into details because frankly, it's still really painful, and because its obvious my friends didn't want to tell me everything to keep me from being too upset. I'm glad for that because as it is I'm having a real hard time dealing with everything.
I was really upset yesterday, and didn't want to go to the football game because of the fact that i knew it would only make me feel worse. I'm really glad I did end up going, it had a different effect than I had expected it to. I only know this because I'm not a giant ball of tears and chocolate right now. But, I am hurting, bad. I'm trying not to show it, and most of the time I really am fine, I can go around and laugh and be happy like normal. All good signs. I had even been fool enough that I might have even gotten over it enough to completely not care in the span of a little over one day. Yeah... I was wrong. That's going to take a while. But it has nothing to do with the fact that he doesn't like me. No, I honestly couldn't care less about that at this point. It's a combination of a couple things.
1. I feel like I am a complete idiot for ever saying anything to the effect that I liked him because I now have lost a friend.
2. The fact that after three years of being able to confide pretty much anything in each other and all of the laughing and teasing and whathaveyou, he didn't even have the decency to tell me any of this to my face. Or to skip this whole mess and just have been honest to begin with, instead of the load of absolute crap I got instead.
3. Coming to terms with the fact that we are never going to talk to each other again. That didn't really sink in (honestly I still don't think it has fully done so) until the game tonight, and I almost burst into tears. To think that this has all come down to the point where one of the few people I had tried my hardest to maintain a friendship with, pretty much wants to avoid even agknowledging my existence... I feel like someone has punched me in the face.
4. Realizing that he is nothing like what I thought he was. So now every memory I have of him is tainted with immature douche bag. I don't even smile when I think back to old conversations anymore, it all just feels like one massive lie.
That and I realized that if he does decide to talk to me again, it is going to take a hell of a lot of restraint to keep me from screaming. I feel so much anger and pain at this point, that I can't even comprehend having a normal conversation with him. All I see in my head is anger, and quite a lot of some very inappropriate language. And for me, that is a big deal, because I try my hardest not to hate or dislike anyone no matter what they thought about me or anything. And up until this point, I have been pretty good at maintaining that... but I feel so betrayed right now that I can't help it.
So yeah, we aren't friends anymore. We never will be, nor will we ever come close to that again. I still wish him the best, but I am done. I no longer want anything to do with him. Ever.
So as is obvious from my second most recent post, everything has gone horribly wrong. I'm not going into details because frankly, it's still really painful, and because its obvious my friends didn't want to tell me everything to keep me from being too upset. I'm glad for that because as it is I'm having a real hard time dealing with everything.
I was really upset yesterday, and didn't want to go to the football game because of the fact that i knew it would only make me feel worse. I'm really glad I did end up going, it had a different effect than I had expected it to. I only know this because I'm not a giant ball of tears and chocolate right now. But, I am hurting, bad. I'm trying not to show it, and most of the time I really am fine, I can go around and laugh and be happy like normal. All good signs. I had even been fool enough that I might have even gotten over it enough to completely not care in the span of a little over one day. Yeah... I was wrong. That's going to take a while. But it has nothing to do with the fact that he doesn't like me. No, I honestly couldn't care less about that at this point. It's a combination of a couple things.
1. I feel like I am a complete idiot for ever saying anything to the effect that I liked him because I now have lost a friend.
2. The fact that after three years of being able to confide pretty much anything in each other and all of the laughing and teasing and whathaveyou, he didn't even have the decency to tell me any of this to my face. Or to skip this whole mess and just have been honest to begin with, instead of the load of absolute crap I got instead.
3. Coming to terms with the fact that we are never going to talk to each other again. That didn't really sink in (honestly I still don't think it has fully done so) until the game tonight, and I almost burst into tears. To think that this has all come down to the point where one of the few people I had tried my hardest to maintain a friendship with, pretty much wants to avoid even agknowledging my existence... I feel like someone has punched me in the face.
4. Realizing that he is nothing like what I thought he was. So now every memory I have of him is tainted with immature douche bag. I don't even smile when I think back to old conversations anymore, it all just feels like one massive lie.
That and I realized that if he does decide to talk to me again, it is going to take a hell of a lot of restraint to keep me from screaming. I feel so much anger and pain at this point, that I can't even comprehend having a normal conversation with him. All I see in my head is anger, and quite a lot of some very inappropriate language. And for me, that is a big deal, because I try my hardest not to hate or dislike anyone no matter what they thought about me or anything. And up until this point, I have been pretty good at maintaining that... but I feel so betrayed right now that I can't help it.
So yeah, we aren't friends anymore. We never will be, nor will we ever come close to that again. I still wish him the best, but I am done. I no longer want anything to do with him. Ever.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
oh well
Disregard everything I have said in any posts since I have begun blogging again. I should have listened to my gut from the beginning. I feel really stupid and should have never said anything in the first place. I think I'm doing okay, at least at the moment.... I've been expecting this for a while now and it's not like we've been talking anyway, so I think that's going to make things easier in the long run....
I'm just really glad I found out before I embarrassed myself and made the rest of my school year miserable. This is not going to be like 8th grade was. I know better this time.
I'm just really glad I found out before I embarrassed myself and made the rest of my school year miserable. This is not going to be like 8th grade was. I know better this time.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
ces't la vie
Okay, well maybe I sort of bailed out on my task at hand. And pretty much every single one of my friends who knows about it is going crazy with the fact that I need to talk to him. But at least now I know what to say, and thanks to Hagop I have been schooled in the ways of being appealing to the male species. Or ... something like that?
So hopefully, by tomorrow I will stop complaining about this whole thing and something will actually happen. For better or for worse, something is going to occur. And even if it is worse, it can't be all that more miserable than it is at the moment so I think I'm going to be ok.
On another note. My friends are starting to get into relationships, and to see them happy like that is pretty much one of the greatest things ever. I think its having an effect on me too... because even though nothing has changed for me. at all... I'm a lot happier. I'm about 180% sure its because of all the adorable stories that they all have... and I love hearing about them. It's so freaking cute.
Though one friend today was talking about how I should go to one of her sports practices because of all of the hot guys that are there.. and that their average height is about 5'11 ( still an inch shorter than me) so it would make me happy. It was at that moment that I realized that honestly... I could care less about how ripped or tall they are... because I doubt any of them could give me the amount of butterflies that I get even when I just think about ****. I don't care if one of them is an Abercrombie model and he is all over me. It won't happen. It certainly didn't when I was in San Diego this summer.
And I know that I'm probably being ridiculous because its not like I have any clue that he even likes me.... but no one else is interesting to me anymore. That's probably going to end up being a bad thing... ehh, I don't care anyway. So long as I can still think about something he said and then sit there smiling like an idiot, I honestly don't think anything is going to change.
So if you excuse me for a moment... I'm gonna go back to listening to music and dancing around my house because no one is watching ;)
So hopefully, by tomorrow I will stop complaining about this whole thing and something will actually happen. For better or for worse, something is going to occur. And even if it is worse, it can't be all that more miserable than it is at the moment so I think I'm going to be ok.
On another note. My friends are starting to get into relationships, and to see them happy like that is pretty much one of the greatest things ever. I think its having an effect on me too... because even though nothing has changed for me. at all... I'm a lot happier. I'm about 180% sure its because of all the adorable stories that they all have... and I love hearing about them. It's so freaking cute.
Though one friend today was talking about how I should go to one of her sports practices because of all of the hot guys that are there.. and that their average height is about 5'11 ( still an inch shorter than me) so it would make me happy. It was at that moment that I realized that honestly... I could care less about how ripped or tall they are... because I doubt any of them could give me the amount of butterflies that I get even when I just think about ****. I don't care if one of them is an Abercrombie model and he is all over me. It won't happen. It certainly didn't when I was in San Diego this summer.
And I know that I'm probably being ridiculous because its not like I have any clue that he even likes me.... but no one else is interesting to me anymore. That's probably going to end up being a bad thing... ehh, I don't care anyway. So long as I can still think about something he said and then sit there smiling like an idiot, I honestly don't think anything is going to change.
So if you excuse me for a moment... I'm gonna go back to listening to music and dancing around my house because no one is watching ;)
Monday, September 24, 2012
failure
So... I failed. I made a promise to myself, annnnndddd I broke it. That promise was even reinforced by a dare that was essentially an ultimatum. And I still didn't follow through.
I can't tell you how awful I feel about it. I was so determined to talk to him that I was sure that I was going to commit to my goal. I came so close. 3 fricken times. I could have had this all over with. Done. I wouldn't have to worry... but no. Instead I'm sitting on my bed furious with myself for being so pathetic that I can't even manage to speak to the one person that I've been dying to talk to for the past three months. I can't even begin to explain how horrible I feel, I'm just a big fat loser who is slowly getting to a point where I'm going to lose a good friend forever.
I cried. I was so upset with the fact that I couldn't do it, that I cried. I managed to walk far enough away so that I wasn't standing there in the parking lot crying in front of his friends but still. I felt so childish. I still do.
And yeah, I know I have tomorrow... but that's been the excuse Ive been making since school has started and I didn't want there to be a hope that I will succeed tomorrow. I want to be done with this, I want to be able to talk to him again, like the way we used to talk. I don't need anything else. I just can't stand this awkward situation we are in. I just want to go back to the way we were... is that to much to ask?
This wasn't the post I was expecting, I'm really sorry... I was going to talk about my weekend and how amazing it was, but I needed to vent. Maybe I'll tell you in the next couple of days.
I can't tell you how awful I feel about it. I was so determined to talk to him that I was sure that I was going to commit to my goal. I came so close. 3 fricken times. I could have had this all over with. Done. I wouldn't have to worry... but no. Instead I'm sitting on my bed furious with myself for being so pathetic that I can't even manage to speak to the one person that I've been dying to talk to for the past three months. I can't even begin to explain how horrible I feel, I'm just a big fat loser who is slowly getting to a point where I'm going to lose a good friend forever.
I cried. I was so upset with the fact that I couldn't do it, that I cried. I managed to walk far enough away so that I wasn't standing there in the parking lot crying in front of his friends but still. I felt so childish. I still do.
And yeah, I know I have tomorrow... but that's been the excuse Ive been making since school has started and I didn't want there to be a hope that I will succeed tomorrow. I want to be done with this, I want to be able to talk to him again, like the way we used to talk. I don't need anything else. I just can't stand this awkward situation we are in. I just want to go back to the way we were... is that to much to ask?
This wasn't the post I was expecting, I'm really sorry... I was going to talk about my weekend and how amazing it was, but I needed to vent. Maybe I'll tell you in the next couple of days.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Sudden Burst of Courage.
I'm gonna do it... I can't take this anymore. I'm sick of this silence, I need to say something and soon. I can't even sleep anymore. This isnt healthy, I can't keep going on like this. I'm done with reassuring myself with the fact that one day I will wake up and either have enough courage to say something or things will just work out so that I dont have to day much. NO, that's not going to happen. I'm not going to suddenly wake up and be courageous. Courage is being scared to death about something and then still going to get it done anyway. And that's what I have to do. Otherwise, nothing will ever happen, we probably won't get back to the way we used to be and I will forever look back and be so angry with myself that I never said anything. Never took the chance....
Maybe I'm not exactly sure what to say, maybe I'm getting my hopes up for nothing... but at this point, getting it over with is better then this miserable state I have been in. And if things work out, then GREAT! I don't think I could comprehend how happy I would be. But if it doesn't.... well then maybe after 3 years of this internal struggle I can finally bring myself to attempt to move on. I have no idea how thats going to happen, or exactly how painful that would be. But I'm not going to think about that unless it happens. For right now I just need to focus on the fact that I NEED to talk to him. Because I feel ridiculous. And I want to know. More than anything.
And I can't say I have ever had experience with any of this, and I have no idea what any form of that "L" word feels like. But I know for sure that what I feel is not the same as any other crush I have ever had, no way. He means so much more than that. Everything about this kid... every story, every fault, every disagreement. Everything. It's just perfect. Honestly, I couldn't imagine anyone else that can make me feel as if even my worst faults are normal. And every single insecurity I have... it's like they don't exsist when he's around. And I'm not exaggerating. I could go on for hours, but that isn't something for the internet.
Someday, I'll be able to tell him all of this, it won't be for a while, but it is going to happen. Probably when we graduate... and I am going to plan it because I can't just bear out my soul like that on a whim. Especially when it involves him, because he means too much to me. It wouldnt be good enough.
So yeah, I guess this is my sudden splurge of courage. The point where I completely admit everything and no longer can stand it. If its not tomorrow, then Monday. And thus, what I thought was going to be a short post of just a couple of lines.... turns into another rant. Not a surprise, I tend to ramble a little bit when it comes to this stuff. You have no idea how hard it has been to hide everything from him for this long. That has definitely been so much harder than saying anything I need to say to him in the comming days will be.
Wish me luck.
Maybe I'm not exactly sure what to say, maybe I'm getting my hopes up for nothing... but at this point, getting it over with is better then this miserable state I have been in. And if things work out, then GREAT! I don't think I could comprehend how happy I would be. But if it doesn't.... well then maybe after 3 years of this internal struggle I can finally bring myself to attempt to move on. I have no idea how thats going to happen, or exactly how painful that would be. But I'm not going to think about that unless it happens. For right now I just need to focus on the fact that I NEED to talk to him. Because I feel ridiculous. And I want to know. More than anything.
And I can't say I have ever had experience with any of this, and I have no idea what any form of that "L" word feels like. But I know for sure that what I feel is not the same as any other crush I have ever had, no way. He means so much more than that. Everything about this kid... every story, every fault, every disagreement. Everything. It's just perfect. Honestly, I couldn't imagine anyone else that can make me feel as if even my worst faults are normal. And every single insecurity I have... it's like they don't exsist when he's around. And I'm not exaggerating. I could go on for hours, but that isn't something for the internet.
Someday, I'll be able to tell him all of this, it won't be for a while, but it is going to happen. Probably when we graduate... and I am going to plan it because I can't just bear out my soul like that on a whim. Especially when it involves him, because he means too much to me. It wouldnt be good enough.
So yeah, I guess this is my sudden splurge of courage. The point where I completely admit everything and no longer can stand it. If its not tomorrow, then Monday. And thus, what I thought was going to be a short post of just a couple of lines.... turns into another rant. Not a surprise, I tend to ramble a little bit when it comes to this stuff. You have no idea how hard it has been to hide everything from him for this long. That has definitely been so much harder than saying anything I need to say to him in the comming days will be.
Wish me luck.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
mood swings?
It's amazing how fast you're emotions can change from day to day. As is obvious from yesterday, I wasn't feeling so great. Today however, was a different story. It wasn't even like something eventful happened either, but sometimes all you need are those small things to get going and you're set.
I knew it was going to be a good day when I was able to get a whole bunch of work done in ceramics today, I more than tripled the height of my coil pot and it is looking really good. I got super excited about it. So I was already in a good mood by the time I got to psychology. I figured we weren't going to be doing much so I just sort of sat there, what I didn't expect was to sit there laughing through pretty much the whole class about the ridiculous names that were in the questions we were supposed to answer, specifically about this one involving a girl named Polly. Don't ask why this was so hilarious... I have no clue, but we were all cracking up none the less.
Lunch. Lunch is always the test of how my day is going to end up lately. I had homework for my last class to do so I wasn't being super social, but I was able to talk to some people about why I didn't want to go and talk to a certain someone during lunch in front of all of his friends, and most everyone finally started to understand. Lorenzo was being super funny about it, and I couldn't help but giggle especially since he reminds me so much of my cousin it's ridiculous. Honestly they could be twins... even though one of them is from Sweden and the other is from Italy. But at least I had the excuse that I had to finish my homework before lunch ended. I was a teeny bit distracted though... because a certain someone was right in my line of vision, and it seemed that every time I looked up from either my work or some joke that I was laughing at... he would be sitting there smiling or laughing as well... and looking back at me. Im sure I looked like a tomato by the end of lunch but I didn't care.... my stomach was so full of butterflies I honestly thought I would either collapse or float away. But that wasn't the end of it, as I was walking into class he was walking a short ways behind me.. and then I heard it, his laugh. Boom. That did it. I pretty much fell into the wall next to me, and was completely unable to focus for the rest of the day. My friends had to keep punching my arm or do something to maintain my focus for long enough to make it seem like I was paying attention in class. But even my teacher noticed something was up. He walked over and asked me if I had gotten sunburned, or if I had been running around at lunch or something of the sorts. When I said no (I was relatively embarrassed because I didn't realize I was STILL blushing) he assumed it was because I have "good circulation" and walked away. Sure... lets just go with that conclusion.
So yeah, Ive been feeling the absolute polar opposite as I was feeling from yesterday... could change again tomorrow, who knows. But I do know that I am going to say something to him, and it is going to be sooner rather than later. I just hope everything will end up being ok.
I knew it was going to be a good day when I was able to get a whole bunch of work done in ceramics today, I more than tripled the height of my coil pot and it is looking really good. I got super excited about it. So I was already in a good mood by the time I got to psychology. I figured we weren't going to be doing much so I just sort of sat there, what I didn't expect was to sit there laughing through pretty much the whole class about the ridiculous names that were in the questions we were supposed to answer, specifically about this one involving a girl named Polly. Don't ask why this was so hilarious... I have no clue, but we were all cracking up none the less.
Lunch. Lunch is always the test of how my day is going to end up lately. I had homework for my last class to do so I wasn't being super social, but I was able to talk to some people about why I didn't want to go and talk to a certain someone during lunch in front of all of his friends, and most everyone finally started to understand. Lorenzo was being super funny about it, and I couldn't help but giggle especially since he reminds me so much of my cousin it's ridiculous. Honestly they could be twins... even though one of them is from Sweden and the other is from Italy. But at least I had the excuse that I had to finish my homework before lunch ended. I was a teeny bit distracted though... because a certain someone was right in my line of vision, and it seemed that every time I looked up from either my work or some joke that I was laughing at... he would be sitting there smiling or laughing as well... and looking back at me. Im sure I looked like a tomato by the end of lunch but I didn't care.... my stomach was so full of butterflies I honestly thought I would either collapse or float away. But that wasn't the end of it, as I was walking into class he was walking a short ways behind me.. and then I heard it, his laugh. Boom. That did it. I pretty much fell into the wall next to me, and was completely unable to focus for the rest of the day. My friends had to keep punching my arm or do something to maintain my focus for long enough to make it seem like I was paying attention in class. But even my teacher noticed something was up. He walked over and asked me if I had gotten sunburned, or if I had been running around at lunch or something of the sorts. When I said no (I was relatively embarrassed because I didn't realize I was STILL blushing) he assumed it was because I have "good circulation" and walked away. Sure... lets just go with that conclusion.
So yeah, Ive been feeling the absolute polar opposite as I was feeling from yesterday... could change again tomorrow, who knows. But I do know that I am going to say something to him, and it is going to be sooner rather than later. I just hope everything will end up being ok.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
side note
Ok I know I just posted literaly 30 seconds ago, but I was looking through old posts and I realized how I was pretty much at the same spot I am now in some of those posts from last November. And I just wanted to clarify somethings in case anyone was wondering. I doubt it, since the only people I know of that actually read this are my friends that already know.
Last year was a mess for me, I had only just begun to admit to the fact that I liked the guy that I still like now, and have been constantly talking about on this blog. But in the midst of that, there was a guy that I still had residual feelings for that was a crush from a year before, that all began with Thanksgiving dinner (don't ask), hence that one post from around then with the song lyrics from the song "Goodbye". And finally there was a lot of drama where I was being objectified by someone in the cast of the musical I was in at the time. And since I was already so confused with everything else that was going on in my head, something inside me decided it would be easier to play into the fact that this person, grantid I didn't agree with anything that he did, obviously did like me... even if it was just because of what I look like and nothing else. So I never really did truly like him and things with that got confusing and it was all just a really bad time that I would really like to forget even happened.
That being said, those posts aren't even remotely close or connected in anyway to what I am talking about now. So yeah, just wanted to clear that up because I felt like it needed to be said, especially since it was really bothering me.
Last year was a mess for me, I had only just begun to admit to the fact that I liked the guy that I still like now, and have been constantly talking about on this blog. But in the midst of that, there was a guy that I still had residual feelings for that was a crush from a year before, that all began with Thanksgiving dinner (don't ask), hence that one post from around then with the song lyrics from the song "Goodbye". And finally there was a lot of drama where I was being objectified by someone in the cast of the musical I was in at the time. And since I was already so confused with everything else that was going on in my head, something inside me decided it would be easier to play into the fact that this person, grantid I didn't agree with anything that he did, obviously did like me... even if it was just because of what I look like and nothing else. So I never really did truly like him and things with that got confusing and it was all just a really bad time that I would really like to forget even happened.
That being said, those posts aren't even remotely close or connected in anyway to what I am talking about now. So yeah, just wanted to clear that up because I felt like it needed to be said, especially since it was really bothering me.
Pathetic: (adjective)
Today was rough. I'm still a little sick, almost completely better, but it still affects me a little bit. So the fact that there was a lot that happened today that nearly set me over the edge didnt help much. I got so exhausted from the stress of it hall that when I got to my moms classroom afterschool to get a ride home, I ended up falling asleep. On the floor. For an hour. I didn't even realize that I was tired before that happened.
So it started of with a presentation in my history class this morning about a trip that we can do in February that is called Sojourn to the Past. I've really wanted to go for a long time, but the presentation is meant to be emotional, and I was prepared for that (I mean last year I spoke to Elizabeth Eckford on the phone and burst into tears, so I couldnt get any more emotional then I had then). What I wasn't prepared for was the fact that I would constantly have flashbacks to conversations that I had forgotten about. You see, this whole trip is about the civil rights movement, and last year when I was talking to that certain person that I have been mentioning a lot recently, the time when we really got close and talk about everything... was during that portion of the year. So I was sitting in the auditorium listening when all of a sudden there was something the guy said that hit something, and I found myself trying my best to not make my sudden flashbacks nocitceable. And it KEPT HAPPENING! I was so confused and I couldn't focus on anything... except the image in my head of the way that he would smile at me every time I would laugh at something he said. And I would sit there, smiling down at my paper thinking about it... until the effects wore off. At that point all I felt was that emptiness I've been feeling a lot recently.
By the time I got through chemistry I was completely drained, I just wanted to be done with the day. I was also wishing that tomorrow could come sooner because Ceramics is the one class where I can distract myself long enough to feel somewhat better for a while. Plus there isn't anything better than sitting at a table with nothing but a lump of clay and some creativity to aid you in making something really cool. Anyway, I was walking out of class, when of course I saw him walking in the opposite direction as me... I pretended I didn't notice and looked a way a little but so that I could still see what he would do when we passed eachother. And when I saw him look back at me, I knew it wasn't a lot but it was enough to make me feel a little better about things. It's stupid I know, but I found it reassuring that maybe things are still salvageable.
Unfortunately, my reassurance wouldn't stand up to my friends. They have been pressuring me to talk to him for a while now. Which makes sense, and I don't deny that it needs to happen, but the fact that they think it would be ok to walk up to him in front of all of his friends and try to talk to him would be is insane. Yeah I know there isn't going to be that opportune moment that will just appear, but I mean, can't I wait until he's somewhat alone. But the pressure was really bad at lunch today, I was miserable, they were relentless. And then one of them made the comment that I was going to end up the way I was freshman year all over again. THAT stung. It's not like I'm not trying, every single time we switch classes I'm looking in the hallways in case I see him and he's a lone enough so that I can at least say hi.
It's just so strange, how can I go from being able to talk to him about anything and everything to being terrified to even smile at him in the hallway. I can't even express how pathetic I feel right now. And the worst part is, there was a perfect time at which I could talk to him today, but because everyone had been pressuring me so much I could no longer find any words in general, let alone to be able to talk to him. So.... I walked away. And as soon as I did I was so mad at myself.
I have never been more aggravated with myself in my life. I really wish I could just grow up, get more confidence... something, before I really do lose him completely.....
So it started of with a presentation in my history class this morning about a trip that we can do in February that is called Sojourn to the Past. I've really wanted to go for a long time, but the presentation is meant to be emotional, and I was prepared for that (I mean last year I spoke to Elizabeth Eckford on the phone and burst into tears, so I couldnt get any more emotional then I had then). What I wasn't prepared for was the fact that I would constantly have flashbacks to conversations that I had forgotten about. You see, this whole trip is about the civil rights movement, and last year when I was talking to that certain person that I have been mentioning a lot recently, the time when we really got close and talk about everything... was during that portion of the year. So I was sitting in the auditorium listening when all of a sudden there was something the guy said that hit something, and I found myself trying my best to not make my sudden flashbacks nocitceable. And it KEPT HAPPENING! I was so confused and I couldn't focus on anything... except the image in my head of the way that he would smile at me every time I would laugh at something he said. And I would sit there, smiling down at my paper thinking about it... until the effects wore off. At that point all I felt was that emptiness I've been feeling a lot recently.
By the time I got through chemistry I was completely drained, I just wanted to be done with the day. I was also wishing that tomorrow could come sooner because Ceramics is the one class where I can distract myself long enough to feel somewhat better for a while. Plus there isn't anything better than sitting at a table with nothing but a lump of clay and some creativity to aid you in making something really cool. Anyway, I was walking out of class, when of course I saw him walking in the opposite direction as me... I pretended I didn't notice and looked a way a little but so that I could still see what he would do when we passed eachother. And when I saw him look back at me, I knew it wasn't a lot but it was enough to make me feel a little better about things. It's stupid I know, but I found it reassuring that maybe things are still salvageable.
Unfortunately, my reassurance wouldn't stand up to my friends. They have been pressuring me to talk to him for a while now. Which makes sense, and I don't deny that it needs to happen, but the fact that they think it would be ok to walk up to him in front of all of his friends and try to talk to him would be is insane. Yeah I know there isn't going to be that opportune moment that will just appear, but I mean, can't I wait until he's somewhat alone. But the pressure was really bad at lunch today, I was miserable, they were relentless. And then one of them made the comment that I was going to end up the way I was freshman year all over again. THAT stung. It's not like I'm not trying, every single time we switch classes I'm looking in the hallways in case I see him and he's a lone enough so that I can at least say hi.
It's just so strange, how can I go from being able to talk to him about anything and everything to being terrified to even smile at him in the hallway. I can't even express how pathetic I feel right now. And the worst part is, there was a perfect time at which I could talk to him today, but because everyone had been pressuring me so much I could no longer find any words in general, let alone to be able to talk to him. So.... I walked away. And as soon as I did I was so mad at myself.
I have never been more aggravated with myself in my life. I really wish I could just grow up, get more confidence... something, before I really do lose him completely.....
Sunday, September 16, 2012
butterflies, headaches and senior portraits
Well I guess I can't complain, my immune system decided to be nice to me and wait until immediately after I took my senior portaits for me to get miserably sick. But typical me, I decide not to get some rest so that I will be somewhat healthy when I get back to school on monday. No, instead I spend my entire saturday helping a friend of mine run a 4-H event that she has been planning for the past year. So, when I got home I had exhausted myself so much that when I went to go lay down fro a few minutes, I ended up falling asleep for 3 hours. Then when I woke up at like 9:30 I listened to music for another hour or two and then went to bed, again. according to my mom I slept for about 14 hours. And today I feel a lot worse than I did before, ehh... I guess I deserve it.
So, to my story. I had my portaits done on Friday, and 3:15, but I started getting ready for them at 5:00 the day before.
I know. Crazy right?! Trust me, that is not something that is normal for me. But considering that that senior portraits are the second most important pictures you take in your life behind wedding photos, I was really scared. I had good reason to, for girls, the way your hair looks is a crucial part of whether of not your picture can be determined as a good or not. And my hair is, well... uncontrollable and certainly not portrait worthy. I had already been growing my hair out for a year just for the purpose of those pictures. After many panicked conversations with my mom, she decided that she would take me to our hair dresser and have her do my hair for the pictures. Both of us are completely useless when it comes to styling. So I made an appointment for the day before since she didnt have anything open on the day of. I wanted my hair to have pretty loose curls. So in order for that to happen, they had to be curled tightly the night before and periodically pulled out. This also meant I had to pin it up to sleep on. Well, I can't say sleep, because that certainly didn't happen. More like lay down with your eyes closed and pretend like you're comfortable.
Friday itself was impossibly long. Honestly i felt as if I had lived three days all in one. It was even an early day and I still felt like I was going on for an eternity. I was a nervous wreck all day. I couldn't figure out why I was freaking out about going to school, I had no tests, it was my better block day, and I was wearing a really cute outfit. But for some reason I felt so self-consious about how I looked it was ridiculous. I ended up contributing it to a number of factors:
1) That being more of a tomboy, wearing a pencil skirt, frilly top and having fancy hair unnerved me.
2) I really don't like bringing attention to myself, and considering I looked nothing like I normally did... I got a lot of looks and compliments.
3) I really just wanted to wear a pair of sweats and an old tshirt so that I could calm down
4) I was starting to feel the oncommings of a cold, which I was praying would hold off until the day was over.
And right when I was beginning to calm down, Briana had to freak me out... all over again. hurray. It started when she threatened that since I looked so nice I needed to talk to a certain someone that day, and that she was going to tell him to meet me after school. I told her no... but was still all shaken up through my last class. Then of course once school ended she told me that he had his appointment right before mine. That did it. I was terrified. I had a little over two hours to spare and all I could do was panick. I was constantly checking my hair, tugging at my clothes, checking my phone for the time, and trying to calm myself down. I did manage to calm myself down long enough to put on makeup, which again, is not something that I normally do. My fears had shifted from having a bad protrait to figuring out what the hell I was going to do if he saw me. Wasn't entirely ready to fully admit that though...
Briana was coming with me to the portrait studio as we were having a movie night with a couple other people that night anyway. So we got there, and I was trying my best to remain as calm as possible.... and then I walked in the door. There he was sitting in the back corner, and I found myself no longer focusing on trying to stay calm, but merely trying not to collapse. It didn't help that the lady behind the counter was on the phone and in no hurry to get off. Meanwhile, Briana was busy quietly pointing him out to my mom... who wasnt picking up on the hints. and once she did.. (according to Briana) she got this dissapointed look on her face. Thanks a lot mom...
So yeah, I managed to get the business part of everything done without anything embarrassing happening. I was taken to the other waiting room and while I was sitting there with that black velvet shawl thing restricting all arm movement, I couldn't help it, I was casting a few sideways glances. A few of which I caught him looking at me, and vice versa. The last time, I looked over and then he saw me, got a little smile on his face... I turned away and then couldn't help smiling myself. And then I looked over again... and he had gotten up, and walked over the the waiting room I was in. He sat down next to this other guy who he was waiting for and started talking about something random. And I was dying to say something, I needed to say something. I couldn't be sitting right there next to him and not say something, especially since it had been so long and I needed some excuse to break the silence between us... And of course, it was at that moment when the photographer called me in to take the pictures.
I was so frazzled it took me a while to calm down, and the photographer was so nice, he kept trying to calm me down telling me there was nothing to worry about. My pictures looked really good though, at least I had that to be happy about. Otherwise I was sort of in a daze for a while.
I was glad to have my friends over that night though, even with the crazy amount of teasing and threatening that I HAVE to talk to him on monday. I still spend a good amount of time gorging on comfort food.
So yeah, I'm not exactly sure what the point of this was, a chance to vent a little? I'm sure it doesn't make the most sense, since being sick is making my brain all fuzzy.
So, to my story. I had my portaits done on Friday, and 3:15, but I started getting ready for them at 5:00 the day before.
I know. Crazy right?! Trust me, that is not something that is normal for me. But considering that that senior portraits are the second most important pictures you take in your life behind wedding photos, I was really scared. I had good reason to, for girls, the way your hair looks is a crucial part of whether of not your picture can be determined as a good or not. And my hair is, well... uncontrollable and certainly not portrait worthy. I had already been growing my hair out for a year just for the purpose of those pictures. After many panicked conversations with my mom, she decided that she would take me to our hair dresser and have her do my hair for the pictures. Both of us are completely useless when it comes to styling. So I made an appointment for the day before since she didnt have anything open on the day of. I wanted my hair to have pretty loose curls. So in order for that to happen, they had to be curled tightly the night before and periodically pulled out. This also meant I had to pin it up to sleep on. Well, I can't say sleep, because that certainly didn't happen. More like lay down with your eyes closed and pretend like you're comfortable.
Friday itself was impossibly long. Honestly i felt as if I had lived three days all in one. It was even an early day and I still felt like I was going on for an eternity. I was a nervous wreck all day. I couldn't figure out why I was freaking out about going to school, I had no tests, it was my better block day, and I was wearing a really cute outfit. But for some reason I felt so self-consious about how I looked it was ridiculous. I ended up contributing it to a number of factors:
1) That being more of a tomboy, wearing a pencil skirt, frilly top and having fancy hair unnerved me.
2) I really don't like bringing attention to myself, and considering I looked nothing like I normally did... I got a lot of looks and compliments.
3) I really just wanted to wear a pair of sweats and an old tshirt so that I could calm down
4) I was starting to feel the oncommings of a cold, which I was praying would hold off until the day was over.
And right when I was beginning to calm down, Briana had to freak me out... all over again. hurray. It started when she threatened that since I looked so nice I needed to talk to a certain someone that day, and that she was going to tell him to meet me after school. I told her no... but was still all shaken up through my last class. Then of course once school ended she told me that he had his appointment right before mine. That did it. I was terrified. I had a little over two hours to spare and all I could do was panick. I was constantly checking my hair, tugging at my clothes, checking my phone for the time, and trying to calm myself down. I did manage to calm myself down long enough to put on makeup, which again, is not something that I normally do. My fears had shifted from having a bad protrait to figuring out what the hell I was going to do if he saw me. Wasn't entirely ready to fully admit that though...
Briana was coming with me to the portrait studio as we were having a movie night with a couple other people that night anyway. So we got there, and I was trying my best to remain as calm as possible.... and then I walked in the door. There he was sitting in the back corner, and I found myself no longer focusing on trying to stay calm, but merely trying not to collapse. It didn't help that the lady behind the counter was on the phone and in no hurry to get off. Meanwhile, Briana was busy quietly pointing him out to my mom... who wasnt picking up on the hints. and once she did.. (according to Briana) she got this dissapointed look on her face. Thanks a lot mom...
So yeah, I managed to get the business part of everything done without anything embarrassing happening. I was taken to the other waiting room and while I was sitting there with that black velvet shawl thing restricting all arm movement, I couldn't help it, I was casting a few sideways glances. A few of which I caught him looking at me, and vice versa. The last time, I looked over and then he saw me, got a little smile on his face... I turned away and then couldn't help smiling myself. And then I looked over again... and he had gotten up, and walked over the the waiting room I was in. He sat down next to this other guy who he was waiting for and started talking about something random. And I was dying to say something, I needed to say something. I couldn't be sitting right there next to him and not say something, especially since it had been so long and I needed some excuse to break the silence between us... And of course, it was at that moment when the photographer called me in to take the pictures.
I was so frazzled it took me a while to calm down, and the photographer was so nice, he kept trying to calm me down telling me there was nothing to worry about. My pictures looked really good though, at least I had that to be happy about. Otherwise I was sort of in a daze for a while.
I was glad to have my friends over that night though, even with the crazy amount of teasing and threatening that I HAVE to talk to him on monday. I still spend a good amount of time gorging on comfort food.
So yeah, I'm not exactly sure what the point of this was, a chance to vent a little? I'm sure it doesn't make the most sense, since being sick is making my brain all fuzzy.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Prom
Since I don't really have anything new to talk about, and I would not want to bore the Internet with ramblings on how I feel miserable... I decided to go back and talk about something that people here in the U.S. make a huge deal about. Prom.
Okay, well first thing is first. It is not anywhere close to what society has made it out to be. Yes it is a lot of fun, but it is not going to be the best night of your life. The one thing that is realistic about everything is the mad scramble to get a date. That is a pain in the butt. I wouldn't say it caused a lot of drama... but at least in my case, there was quite a bit of disappointment. No worries though, this story does have a happy ending.A couple months before prom, like mid-February, was when everything started. It sort of happened one say, we were all sitting in class when some kid came on over the announcements and asked a girl if she would want to go to prom with him. (apparently my school has a secret challenge claiming that if you are the first person to ask someone over the announcements then you can get a free ticket.) Everyone was a little confused since it was so early and we had just had winter formal like the weekend prior, but even though no one knew it the mad rush had begun.
It was like I just blinked and the whole mood around me had changed. Suddenly every single girl was talking about dress shopping and what boys they wanted to go with. I stood out on the sidelines, it wasn't that I didn't want to participate in this epitome of all "girl talks" but it was the fact that i knew deep down that no matter how hard I would try... no one would want to go with me, the 6 foot tall girl who towered over almost everyone else. So to save myself from some bitter disappointment I had decided that I would simply not go. Amanda had already changed her mind from deciding not to go, to being super enthusiastic about it. I had felt as if our sentiments about the issue had completely flip-flopped. It wasn't long until her persistence had convinced me to go again, but I only had one condition: that she had to go dress shopping with me. I had no idea how hard that task was going to be...
We decided that we were going shopping over spring break. We got to the mall ( a place I normally hate as I absolutely DETEST shopping) and we went straight to Macy's as we knew they had a good selection. I had fun.. in the beginning, but as the day went on and we went from store to store trying dress after dress, I had come to the realization that even dresses knew that I was too tall for prom. Even the longest ones we could find would fall at an inch above my ankle at its longest. We tried fro 2 days straight... and could come up with nothing. I was miserable and fed up with the experience. So I pushed it out of my mind for a while... and focused on my other problem; my serious lack of a date.
I was hoping for one of 2 people to ask me, they were both people I was crushing on at the time ( one of them I really didn't know but I thought he was really attractive, and then the other ... well... hes the guy I mentioned in the last post). But, as time went on I found that neither of those options was going to be a reality. Boy #1 wasn't even going to be around that weekend, but Boy #2 ... he ended up asking this other girl, and I felt as if someone had punched a hole through my stomach when I found out. I had talked to him about it later on in a class we had together, when another kid in our group brought it up, and it was that conversation that made me realize that maybe he liked me too.
So... as far as I was concerned I was out of luck, and was kicking myself that I had ever gotten my hopes up in the first place. Then Amanda, I swear this girl is a saint, gave me my solution. She told me to take her little brother, Ryan, who is another good friend of mine. And before I could even think about if I really wanted to do that or not, she had decided for me and promptly told both of her parents. So the three of them were constantly asking me if I had asked him yet and at that point, even if I didn't want to go with him I really didn't have a choice. I still was pathetic about it though, and even though we were super close and everything I couldn't even ask him without Amanda standing there prompting me. I swear she will never let me live it down.
I had now solved one of my problems, and with only a week and a half until April 28th I still had yet to find a dress. My mom took me to a bridal shop after school one day to see if I could finally find something. The ladies in there were so cute, they wanted me to try on everything just so I could model it for them, because apparently I had the body they had been looking for for a long time. I was on a limited schedule though, so I had to get serious and find something. Most of the things they put me in made me feel super uncomfortable, I felt like more of my skin was showing then the fabric that was supposedly covering me. I mean, I'm not conservative by any terms, but I certainly wasn't going to be raunchy. And then, I saw it. The red Bridesmaids dress. It was gorgeous. I tried it on and even though it was like 4 sizes too big i knew that that was my dress. And the best part was, it was actually long enough!!! The ladies altered it for me and I picked it up just a few days before the dance.
So I know I said before that it wont be the best night of your life, but I had so much fun it was probably pretty close to it. It was one of the few times in my life where I truly felt pretty, and I had so much fun dancing and screaming out the songs on the dance floor that I never wanted the night to end. Though I think the most entertaining part of the night was the dress watching, some of those girls looked so tacky I had to laugh. I mean one girl showed up wearing a cutout dress... with a cheetah print bra underneath. I mean really?!?
So yeah, that is my prom story. I know it isn't exactly the most exciting thing ever, but I figured there are so many stereotypical stories out there that I should contribute my more normal everyday girl story, and not the hyped up pretty girl ones. And to go with it, here are a couple of my favorite pictures from that night.
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| From left to right: Cassidy, Amanda, me, Ryan |
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Sorry about that..
OK... well I can't say that I have been the most consistent blogger, and I can't promise that I will start to be one. But Amanda keeps bothering me about the fact that I never post on here and so I finally decided to post again.
Considering it has been almost a year since I have written in this thing... a lot has happened. Big things like a trip to Florida, writing a 4000 word research paper on the impact of vikings on the English language, a lot of school/stress, prom, summer, raising a lamb, going on a cross country college trip and starting senior year.... which hasn't been nearly as fantastic as it has been made out to be.
Honestly... these past few weeks have been horribly miserable. There was something that I had done this summer that seemed like it was a good thing at the time... but now... well, I lost a really good friend as far as I can tell. So yeah, I have been depressed. REALLY depressed. This guy meant a lot to me... and yeah, I have had a huge crush on him for a really long time, but I never cared about anything so long as I never lost his friendship. That hasn't exactly been working out...
So yeah, my mom has been calling me the zombie and is starting to get really concerned. I guess I'm alright, I just don't laugh as much anymore... and I frequently feel lonely, even when my friends are around. If it wasn't for all of them I don't know what I would do. They are honestly the most wonderful thing I have in my life. Everyone deserves to be surrounded with people as caring and wonderful as they are. I feel so lucky that they are able to put up with me all the time, not many people can. I love you guys. So much.
Speaking of friends. Last night was a party to celebrate my friend Hagop's birthday. Now you must understand that none of my friends approve of what typical teenage parties are like. We find the idea of those sorts of things incredibly boring. Instead we have murder mystery dinners, camp outs, play games, and eat amazing food. Not only is it more fun but you can remember everything the next day and there is no risk of getting in trouble. Anyway... last night, oh my gosh it was probably the best party I have ever been to in my entire life. We got to Hagop's house and we all brought Nerf dart guns so that we can play Humans vs. Zombies around his whole neighborhood. It turned into a long team challenge thing where we were running away from each other and "stunning" one another with all of the darts. We then ate a bunch of pizza and played lap tag. The most intense game of lap tag to ever have existed. If you have never heard of lap tag you are sooo missing out. It is incredible. It's is my favorite game. Hands. Down. You get really tired and bruised but it is so worth every second of it. So once we got tired enough to stop we went back to Hagop's house... ate the most beautiful cake I have ever seen, and then planned out how we were goint to "murder" the Spongebob pinata. Most amazing time I have had in a long time? I think yes.
Considering it has been almost a year since I have written in this thing... a lot has happened. Big things like a trip to Florida, writing a 4000 word research paper on the impact of vikings on the English language, a lot of school/stress, prom, summer, raising a lamb, going on a cross country college trip and starting senior year.... which hasn't been nearly as fantastic as it has been made out to be.
Honestly... these past few weeks have been horribly miserable. There was something that I had done this summer that seemed like it was a good thing at the time... but now... well, I lost a really good friend as far as I can tell. So yeah, I have been depressed. REALLY depressed. This guy meant a lot to me... and yeah, I have had a huge crush on him for a really long time, but I never cared about anything so long as I never lost his friendship. That hasn't exactly been working out...
So yeah, my mom has been calling me the zombie and is starting to get really concerned. I guess I'm alright, I just don't laugh as much anymore... and I frequently feel lonely, even when my friends are around. If it wasn't for all of them I don't know what I would do. They are honestly the most wonderful thing I have in my life. Everyone deserves to be surrounded with people as caring and wonderful as they are. I feel so lucky that they are able to put up with me all the time, not many people can. I love you guys. So much.
Speaking of friends. Last night was a party to celebrate my friend Hagop's birthday. Now you must understand that none of my friends approve of what typical teenage parties are like. We find the idea of those sorts of things incredibly boring. Instead we have murder mystery dinners, camp outs, play games, and eat amazing food. Not only is it more fun but you can remember everything the next day and there is no risk of getting in trouble. Anyway... last night, oh my gosh it was probably the best party I have ever been to in my entire life. We got to Hagop's house and we all brought Nerf dart guns so that we can play Humans vs. Zombies around his whole neighborhood. It turned into a long team challenge thing where we were running away from each other and "stunning" one another with all of the darts. We then ate a bunch of pizza and played lap tag. The most intense game of lap tag to ever have existed. If you have never heard of lap tag you are sooo missing out. It is incredible. It's is my favorite game. Hands. Down. You get really tired and bruised but it is so worth every second of it. So once we got tired enough to stop we went back to Hagop's house... ate the most beautiful cake I have ever seen, and then planned out how we were goint to "murder" the Spongebob pinata. Most amazing time I have had in a long time? I think yes.
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