Homecoming week

So today marked the start of Homecoming week. It was pajama day today, so no one was really over the top crazy... the craziest thing that people wore was wearing onesies. I tend to be really fond of people that go over the top with spirit days, I try to most of the time but somethings are really difficult to do. So that caused me to end up running into some internal problems. I was pretty much fighting between memory and reality... again. I really wish that I could just get rid of all of those memories so that none of this would even matter. Unfortunately that isn't possible. My hope is that my stupid emotions won't get in the way of having fun the rest of homecoming like its seemed to have put a damper on pretty much everything else at school this year. At least tomorrow I can feel comfortable tomorrow since its miss-matched day... which is pretty much what I wear every day. They need to rename it after me. No, I'm not that special. I'm getting super excited for Halloween though. It's going to be perfect. Just you wait.

...

I was thinking about how I was feeling about life this summer as compared to now. Understandably, with that I thought was going on this summer, I was in a good mood, and really excited fro school to start back up again. I kept telling everyone how this year was going to be different. Yeah, we were going to start out senior year and everything but the entire time I only had one person on my mind. In a way, I was right, about pretty much everything. This year is different, really different, and it is all because of that one person. I just never saw the deception and ambiguity of it all. I have no idea how everything changed so fast, and I'm pretty sure that I will never know. I can't tell you how many times I have played through the past three years in my mind thinking about all of the things I could have done differently so that none of this would have happened. Yeah, it's been painful (which I've made blatantly obvious) and it will continue to be for what I'm assuming will be quite a while, but I have learned a lot. I'm not saying I took that ... whatever we had... for granted, I didn't, but I was foolish to think that there was no risk of ever losing that. Deep down I knew the risks of that for a really long time, but I chose to ignore that. And now that everything has ended, I can't even take the time to appreciate it for what it was. And I have no idea what the future holds, but it breaks my heart to think about any of it at the moment. I used to imagine how we would keep in contact in college and still be friends after high school ended. I guess that was just another foolish thought.
What makes me feel even more foolish is the fact that none of anything seems to matter to him. So while I'm sitting around constantly thinking of old inside jokes or conversations, and how there are so many things that I won't be able to watch or listen to or anything for a long time because of the association, he doesn't care about any of it. Not even the fact that I'm the reason he was able to pass about 4 of his classes....
I wish I knew why things like this happen, I know we need to grow and learn and make mistakes, but sometimes the troubles we go through seem ridiculous and unnecessary. He really is a good person, and I hope he goes far in life and is happy, if not, that would probably break my heart more than it is now.

I'm starting to crumble

I'm really stressed out right now so I need to take a break from everything. I've been working on college apps, scholarship apps, a conference app, and my homework all at the same time. It's only slightly crazy.
And I feel bad because all of this stress has prevented me from being able to blog at all. So I'm really sorry that I've been MIA recently, I've been trying to find time to write, but all attempts have availed me.
I'm also having problems with just thinking right now. I seem to have this need to torture myself at the moment. I don't really know whats going on, but i think it's because of the fact that I'm having such an incredibly hard time letting go. I feel like I'm suck inside a rubber band, every time I get close... I snap back harder than before. I'm desperately trying to get out of this, I'm sick of this aching pain that I get with every memory.
That's the other problem, as much as I'm angry and hurt and everything... I find it impossible to hate him. Part of it is the fact that everything that we had gone through in the past has kept me from it. And I keep defending him, like that's going to do me any good. I mean, this is freaking insane... the things he said and did were terrible but I feel the need to defend the fact that he is a good person, even now. I'm starting to see the fault in my inability to see the bad in everyone expect myself.

I also finally bought Taylor Swift's new album. Half of the songs on there are pretty much a compilation of what is going on in my head. Hence the reason why I am torturing myself. I've been listening to it on repeat and have been on the verge of tears at least 6 times. I'm 80% sure this unhealthy. The only things that are keeping me together at the moment are Amanda, my grades (they are amazing at the moment, so it's a major confidence boost), and my mom. All of my friends have been great, and I'm super thankful for them for putting up with me... I know it's exhausting, and I'm trying to keep as much of it to myself as possible so that they don't get sick of me.

And there... it happened, I wrote yet another obnoxious post that I have been trying so hard to avoid. I'm surprised people don't stop reading my blog because of all of this. I'm being quite the stereotypical whiny teenager. Thanks for putting up with me.


"Hey you called me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumbled up piece of paper lying here
Cause I remember it all too well..."

this is impossible

I'm really sorry that it has been a couple days since I have posted anything. I was going to post something this weekend but I was so busy with the haunted house that I was organizing that I didn't have time to even breath.
I'm not exactly sure what I want to talk about in this post... well I can't say that is true, I know exactly what I am going to talk about but considering I have been having a very difficult time putting the thoughts together coherently to myself I am not sure exactly how they are going to be translated into blog form. So bear with me, if nothing makes sense... well, that would be why.
Okay, Friday night (this was after I posted otherwise I would have written something about it then) I was talking to my mom about things that had happened that day that had really affected me. It resulted in the biggest meltdown that I have had in a long time. And because of everything that happened... I am now back to step one in the getting over someone phase.

But before I go on sounding like a whiny, pathetic loser, I would like to talk about something briefly to clarify somethings. Normally, I would just keep on rambling but considering some of the comments that were made towards me on Friday, I feel that I need to justify what I am going through a little bit more. Yes, I know, I never dated the guy... but that does not mean that I didn't have a relationship with him, it was just a different kind of relationship. Not only that, but it had been that way since fairly early on in my Freshman year of high school, and had feelings for him pretty much that whole time (even though I wouldn't admit this until much later on). That's three years now. Now after three years of being good friends and getting closer the whole time, he decides he never wants anything to do with me ever again, and doesn't even have the decency to tell me that to my face. I think I deserve to be upset about this. If you feel otherwise, I would prefer you to tell me in a manner that won't hurt my feelings and it won't be in the vicinity so that he can hear everything you say about the matter. I don't mind you telling me, I promise that if you do I will stop mentioning it, but please be polite about it. The whole concept of relationships and how that connects to my self-esteem has always been a sensitive issue with me.

Okay, now that I have clarified that a little bit, I think that it is fine to go on with my story. So Friday night, after all of the sobbing and talking to my mom, I decided I was absolutely exhausted and went to bed. Little did I know that this was the start of a long weekend of restless sleep because of these terrible dreams I was about to start having. But that first one was by far the worst, because it can and probably will happen, which scares me really bad at the moment. So, in this dream I was going to an assembly or some kind of presentation where I wasn't with people I normally have classes with. It ended up being that he sat right in front of me. I was really uncomfortable and tried to pretend like I didn't know he was there. Suddenly he turned around and made a comment that was along the lines of
'so are we not talking anymore?'
I was angry at the comment because the answer seemed obvious to me. So I responded, and the conversation escalated very quickly and had soon gotten to the point where we were screaming at each other. I still remember most of it vividly, and it was along the lines of the following:
'Well considering you want nothing to do with me, it sure seems like it.'
'So I guess we can't call ourselves friends anymore.'
'Really?!? After all of this, you are just NOW saying that we aren't friends anymore?!?!!'
'What the hell is wrong with you? I was just trying to start a conversation!'
'A conversation!?! You think that we can just go back to talking normally after you left me hanging for months, wondering what happened and hoping nothing had changed. And then you don't even bother to try to explain ANYTHING, but instead tell someone else that you are done with me so that THEY can pass on the news! Honestly?!?'
'So you blame all of this on me?!'
'OF COURSE I DO! I sent you that message this summer, and you acted like you were interested... and then NOTHING!'
'YOU WERE TOO LATE! I CHANGE-'
'I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT! what bothers me was the fact that you didn't have the decency to tell me any of this YOURSELF! You dumped it on **, dragging him into something that should have just been OUR problem and leaving him depressed because he didn't want to hurt me! Do you think that avoiding ONE awkward conversation is better than BEING HONEST!'
'PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES FOR A SECOND! YOU CAN'T TELL ME YOU WOULD DO ANY DIFFERENT!'
'I HAVE! AND I WOULD NEVER BE SO HORRIBLE TO LEAD SOMEONE ON LIKE THAT ONLY TO CRUSH THEM! You know? After three years of thinking that you were one of the nicest, funniest people I had ever met, I honestly can't STAND the sight of you anymore. I don't care if your friends are judging me all of the time, you were the one that told everyone about this. NOT ME. I'm done with you.'
'FINE!'

yeah... it was longer than that, with a lot more personal details and swearing but you pretty much get the point. I woke up and felt like I was in a daze for pretty much the rest of the day, it felt so real... which meant that I had essentially had 2 major arguments in one day. I don't even know what to think of it a few days later. All I have been able to get out of it was that it was really an argument within myself, the side that wants to hold on and the side that wants to move on. Unfortunately, it seems like neither side wants to budge. I feel like I am just as bad now as I was a few weeks ago. But going through school is really hard when there are constantly things that I see that remind me of old conversations and such, and I still have such a hard time letting go of all of that.
It's the hardest thing in the world to go from 180 to 0 in a matter of seconds, it takes time to slow down. It also helps to know whats happening, which I don't. And regardless of where you stand relationship wise... if you have feelings for someone that long, they are going to be strong. Like it was dizzying, I could be completely focused on something and even at the mention of him or something he said would make me smile and lose focus for the longest time. I don't know what falling for someone is like, but I'm sure there was at least a small part of me that was beginning to at least. So to get over someone immediately after all of that is one of the hardest things I can think of. It's even worse when you see them and you start to think old thoughts you used to have about how good you think they look that day and how you would just long to be next to them. And every time I have caught myself I feel even more miserable than I did before. I'm trying so hard to move on, it's crazy. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like I keep walking in circles, getting a little bit stronger and then heading back to the start all over again. And I have lost all hope in myself, there has to be something wrong with me that I'm just not seeing. That is the only possible explanation for all of this.
I am so sorry for the rambling, I just really need to think through this... and I hope I will have other happier stuff to talk about soon, because I am sure everyone who reads this is absolutely sick with the fact that I am boring and going on and on about a stupid teenage boy.

GO SEQUOIA GO!!!!!

Today was a big day. Let me rephrase that. Today was a HUGE day. My high school, Sequoia, is a huge rivals with this other local high school Woodside. Well tonight our two schools had a football game against eachother. This is only the second year we have had a rival school game for a long time. Last year, the game was at Woodside (I ended up not going) and it was a really close game... that we ended up losing. We were incredibly embarrassed because our team is generally REALLY good, and theirs.. isn't. So this year, not only did we want to make up for what happened last year, but we also had the game on OUR turf.
Now, this week was technically supposed to be our homecoming week. But because the rivalry between the schools is so bad, the Administration didn't want a huge fight to break out so they pushed the actual homecoming week later. The student bodies of both schools... we didn't care. Both schools cheer teams, bands, and dance teams worked really hard to try and outdo the others. And dare I say, we outshown them, by SO much. And the shining star was my dear friend Lorenzo. Oh my word, I love that kid so much right now, he joined our schools cheer team so that he can add to the squad with some of his gymnastic skills. He was doing all sorts of flips all over the place and everyone in the stands went CRAZY!!!! And our dance team... oh my god they blew everyone away! Honestly, I have not seen our school preform anything that comes even close to how amazing this was tonight, and we have had some pretty dang amazing performances in the past.
And not only that, but we blew them out of the water with a final score of 32-7. Feast on that Woodside, just because you have the money doesn't mean that you have half of the school pride that we Cherokees do <3.
Even our principal had the biggest smile on her face that I had ever seen. That says it all, tonight was absolutely amazing... I don't think even the homecoming game will be able to live up to how awesome this was.
GO CHEROKEES!!!!!!!!

no reason

I have a chemistry test tomorrow morning. I was terrified for it because I had no idea what was going on at all in this chapter... no matter how many times I looked at the notes to figure it out it didnt make sense. Then tonight, boom. Everything started to click together. Considering I didn't even look at half of the material until tonight and I still managed to get an A on the practice test... I dare say I am pretty proud. That and I am now confident for the test tomorrow. YAY!
But.. while I was studying for my test... a commercial started playing on the TV in the other room... and that song was playing in it. I pretty much siezed up. I'm trying my best not to listen to that song, and not to react to anything so that I can get over everything faster. So hearing the song play unexpectedly really didn't help. AT. ALL. I tried to focus on my homework, but five minutes later I couldn't take it anymore... and I started crying to my mom. again.


I'm so done with this.
I'm done with trying to seem like I'm perfectly fine all of the time so that anyone who is going to judge me won't have any reason to.
I'm done with constantly trying to improve my flaws so that maybe whatever happened this time wont happen again in the future.
I'm done with constantly getting my hopes up... only to have everything come crashing down on me.
I'm done with investing so much into things that obviously mean absolutely nothing to everyone else.
I'm done with people.

Honestly, I couldn't be any more frustrated with my life right now... constantly maintaining my composure like I am now, is one of the most difficult things I have had to do. I don't wish this on anyone.

red

I have to admit, I have been really.... disappointed with Taylor Swift's more recent music. I have always been a huge fan... but as time has passed I have just found myself more and more annoyed with the direction she is taking with her music. Yes there are a couple of exceptions to this, I am not going to lie, but on the whole... her new music drives me crazy.
Because of this, I am reluctant to listen to anything off of her new album that is coming out very soon... but today I finally gave in and listened to the title song off of the album: Red.
She's done it again... another song that describes exactly what I am feeling. I cried when I listened to it. It's been so hard to describe what I am going through right now... especially since there's a lot of things I wouldn't like to admit, even to myself. But this song... it hit home, let's just leave it at that.
I still haven't completely regained my lover for her work... but I'm okay with it at the moment. Either way I am definitely going to be stuck on this song for a while, at least until I get over things...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZW8QNIiu1A


Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoesTell myself it’s time now, gotta let goBut moving on from him is impossibleWhen I still see it all in my head

Applesauce, tofu, mashed potatoes and another breakdown

There is something about getting your wisdom teeth removed that makes you feel absolutely useless, I have done absolutely nothing all day and find it impossible to get anything done whatsoever.
Whats even worse then that is the fact that I CAN'T EAT NORMAL FOOD. It's only been a little over 24 hours since my surgery and I'm already sick of eating like a baby. It took me over an hour to eat a single 2'1' block of tofu... how pathetic is that!
I wish so badly that I could eat something crunchy... or have a sandwich from Ike's or something! I'm so sick of baby food type things.
Also, I never got loopy from the anesthesia... but I haven't gone unaffected. All of the meds they have put me on have made me incredibly emotional. I start crying at the littlest things. Also, because of this fact, I had another breakdown. I sat on the couch sobbing to my mom for about an hour today. I'm trying really hard to be as normal as I possibly can, but when people keep testing you to see how you will react to saying his name or other little tests like that... it gets incredibly tiring. And as much as I try not to let it bother me, after a while it becomes really hard to ignore.
I just really wish I knew what happened for everything to go so horribly wrong. I mean... how could we have gone from being so close to never wanting to speak to each other again. Does someone who is talking to me have any answers to that? I don't know.... but I really wish I had never said anything. I'm sick of keeping my guard up and pretending that none of this is affecting me. Plus on top of this... there are other emotions that are starting to come up that I know are absolutely ridiculous and stupid so I'm trying my best to stop them... but after everything its really hard. Especially since it sort of reminds me of how things used to be... which makes it almost worse at the same time. I just keep trying to tell myself that I am done with all of this guy drama. I'm sick of going through everything trying to get rid of all of my faults, and then everything goes horribly wrong anyway. Honestly, how is it possible to have your heart broken this many times and still have never even had anything come close to a relationship. I guess my life really is one cruel joke.
So yeah, I have absolutely no self- confidence anymore.... and I have pretty much given up on any hope for anything whatsoever. Especially after I saw a status on facebook that was about this one girl ( who hates me btw) that never shuts up and is always complaining about everything and everyone is now in a relationship. That alone made me want to cry, I mean, how horrible must I be if she can find someone and I'm always stuck feeling like crap.
I guess this is another reason I want to go to a giant college out of state, that way I can completely hide and no one will know who I am. I am so sick of all of this drama being created. I just want to be happy and go on with my life quietly surrounded only by the people I care about. Of course... the only problem with going far away is that I'm going to be leaving all of my best friends behind... that's gonna suck.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I guess I'll just go check on my neighbors cats and then make myself some more mashed potatoes.

nerves

I'm getting my wisdom teeth removed tomorrow, and as much as I know I should be scared for the actual procedure, even when I try I can't bring myself to be even the tiniest bit scared for it.
No, instead I have been freaking out all week over the fact that I won't be able to eat or drink anything all day until the procedure is over after 2 P.M. If you know me at all, you know that I'm a big eater. So the fact that I am going to be starving and won't be able to eat anything at all terrifies me. I even did a mini test today to see how I will do .... even though I had breakfast today, I was barely able to last until lunch without going crazy with hunger. Tomorrow is going to be my worst nightmare. And knowing my friends... I can think of at least 2 people who are going to shove food in front of my face to watch me squirm.
I can't wait...
The other thing I'm not looking forward to is the fact that I'm going to have to eat using tiny bites for the next few days. that's terrible. Ughhhh... I want normal food already.

Reunion

Honestly, I feel like my day today completely exemplifies the "typical teenage brain" topic that we are talking about in psychology at the moment. I was in such a bad mood through all of school today, and then I had one of the best nights I have had in a long time (this doesn't include the camping trip with my group of friends, that was on a whole 'nother level).  I'm not even sure why I was in a bad mood this morning, I just was... it wasn't like anything bad happened by that point. But then I overheard something at the beginning of lunch that made me want to punch through a brick wall I was so upset. I was waiting for my friend to get something out of his locker after we had just gotten out of psychology, and I heard a conversation coming from a couple of guys that were walking behind us. One of them made the comment "I don't know man... it's just so awkward" (which is what sparked my interest to begin with because it was nice to know that other people were having awkward situations like me... as horrible as that sounds) and I thought to myself how there was no way their situation could be anywhere near as awkward as mine is. Then I heard a different voice say "Dude, its not that hard to remedy... all you gotta do it talk to her." with a response saying "I dunno, maybe."
So yeah, I was curious. So I turned around briefly to see who it was. I wish I hadn't. Turns out the guy who gave the piece of advice as to how "easy" it was to remedy the situation, is the hypocrite that can't even take his own advice but instead puts his bullshit on someone else to relay the information.
I was so pissed off, I have no possible way to explain it without a whole lot of expletives. (And I am trying my hardest to keep this blog as clean as possible so I apologize for the above, but no other word does that it justice.) Honestly that is the closest I have ever come to hitting someone in my life. I was so angry I didn't speak for a good 10 minutes. I couldn't even express how angry I was at the situation until over an hour later when I had composed myself enough to keep from being an explosion of screaming and swearing.
I know my reaction probably seems a little bit over the top, but I think I have the right to be at least a slight bit justified. I mean... oh my god, I can't even comprehend that. Just go ahead and stab me a third time why don't you.
So yeah... I wasn't exactly keen on going through with the rest of my day after that one. Though, when I was talking to my mom about it, she said she felt so bad for me because I have had all the breakups but no relationships to begin with. I laughed pretty hard about that. Whatever higher power is out there has apparently made my life into some sort of sick practical joke. Well, if it provides someone with entertainment, then I guess I will just keep playing along :)

Tonight on the other hand... was SO. MUCH. FUN. So, I have to explain this a little bit. My moms group of friends from high school gets together every once in a while at Harry's Hofbreau (It's a local restaurant) to have dinner and catch up. A few of her friends have kids as well, who are just a couple years older then me and I have been really good friends with them for a long time. But since they are all in college now, I wasn't expecting any of them to be there. I didn't even bother hoping for them to be there because I figured it would be futile. Well, when I got there... Alyssa, who is my closest friend of all of them happened to be able to come. I haven't seen her in 4 years. I was so excited to see her I screamed! Another one of the "next generation" was there, Maleah ( I think that's how you spell her name, I don't know her quite as well) and she was telling all of her crazy bar stories... she's almost 22 now. It was also great to see all of my moms friends too, I hardly ever get to see them.  I can't even explain...  it was just fantastic, and Alyssa is going to add me on skype so we can talk more frequently now because there is no possible way that I am going to wait another 4 years to see her again. That is just not right.
So yeah, at least I got to end my day on a good note. :)

National 4-H Week :)

So yesterday marked the start of National 4-H Week, which means... this is one of my favorite weeks of the year.
For those of you who read this and don't know what 4-H is, it is a program that originally started as a way for kids who lived on farms to show and compete with the agricultural products and animals that they raised. Since then it has branched out to have a project for pretty much anything you can think of. I have been incredibly involved in the program since I was 5 years old and it has been the source for all of the good things I have done so far in my life. Honestly, I could go on about how much I love this program and how much it has done for me as a person for days. It is such an amazing organization and I firmly believe that every single kid on this earth can benefit from at least something that it offers.
Obviously, it means a lot to me. like... more than you could ever begin to comprehend. And I am currently working on a project that will allow me to give back to the program that has given me so much throughout my life. And it is all because this year is the 100th anniversary of 4-H in California. It's big, like crazy big. But I'm still not exactly ready to mention it to the public quite yet, so I'm sorry that this is the second time that I have brought it up and refuse to say anything any less ambiguous. That will change sooner or later. I promise. And guaranteed there will be a very lengthy post over my excitement with the whole ordeal. So you can have that to look forward to. It will be great! :)


Speaking of things I need to work on, I need to get started on my application for the National 4-H Leadership Conference... I have way to many things on my to do list these days.

this is madness

Prescribed Title essays. They are... I don't even know crazy? insane? ridiculous? stupid? mind-boggling?
I have been sitting in front of my computer since 1 this afternoon trying to write this essay and so far I have half of a paragraph.  after 11 hours. I thought maybe waiting until midnight would help to have this make sense. Nope. Nothing.
So I have decided that I am going to write it at 5 tomorrow morning, because then I won't be awake enough to think and therefore I can write this and in regards to TOK... it will all make perfect sense later on.
On another note, I went up to UC Davis yesterday. I still love the school, but I have come to the realization that I liked it because of 4-H and since I saw it for the first time without that side of it yesterday, it was a little different. I also am starting to think that 2 hours by car is too close, I really want to go out of state. REALLY BAD. But more so, I just want to be done with High School and get on to college already. I'm done with these people, everyone except for my friends just annoy the heck out of me. I really need a change. too bad I have to wait so long... oh well, at least I can keep myself busy with college apps and scholarships in the meantime.
Sorry I don't really have anything interesting to talk about, I really didn't do anything besides going to Davis this weekend. Shows you just how exciting my life is right now. Paperwork, yay...
Speaking of which... I should better be getting back to what I'm technically supposed to be doing. Hopefully I'll have something more meaningful to post later.

the extent of my rebelliousness

this is the second time this has happened. Same teacher, same subject. only difference is which friend I am sitting next to. Last year it was Amanda, this year it's Dani, Rebecca and Ty. I'm such a rebel, blogging in English class.
But yeah, Today has been a lot of fun. Honestly I don't think I have laughed this much during school for a really long time. Awesome way to spend the day. I'm telling you, this is something that you should do every day, go through everything (especially the boring things) laughing about all of it. No matter how miserable you were before, you're going to be in a good mood.
I mean, it wasn't like I was in a bad mood, I was just really bored about school this morning and all I could look forward to was going up to UC Davis tomorrow to spend the day there, especially since I get to see my really good friends dorm room because she said that she was going to show me some of here new "secret knowledge of the school". Nahh.. it's not really secret, but I'm really jealous of the fact that she gets to take all of these super amazing classes I can only dream about for right now.... oh well, I'll be in college in a year anyway. But for now, I'll just sit here and blog instead of taking the notes I'm supposed to be taking. It's not like they are on anything important anyway... So yeah, for the last part of class this is more than likely going to be a stream of consciousness, that is completely full of errors. Forgive me for that.
OH! I have now glazed all of my pinch pots, so I will have photos of those up within the next week or so, because I will finally be able to bring them home. In the mean time, I will be working on glazing my coil pots,  I have no idea what colors I should use... so if anyone has any ideas feel free to let me know at any time. They need to be as cool as the actual pot itself. Yay for creativity!
Also, I had no idea until today that you could have a comprehensive conversation ( full of laughter of course) about the clouds and what sort of feelings they would have based on what they look like. The guy I sit next to in my psychology class is absolutely obsessed with them... he was like ... synonymous to a squirrel. I couldn't stop laughing. Of course, this was probably a bad thing considering we were supposed to be working on a partner test thing... I mean, we got it done. We just had a lot of fun along the way. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
Lunch time: I did the one thing I thought I would never do, reveal my ability to mimic the voice of Yogi Bear. I don't even know what provoked that, it isn't like I had some internal desire to ever show that to anyone outside of my family who does other voices to go along with it. Yeah, we are pretty cool, I know.

So.... I'm supposed to be brainstorming about defiance right now. I'm doing one better, I'm acting on defiance. hehe... sorry, brain fart. And I'm starting to run out of ideas. So I'm probably going to leave this off here and not do any more until later tonight when I talk about some actual stuff. And if I end up not posting tonight, I'm sorry. I will try not to avoid any obligations I make here.

*insert witty title here, I can't think of one*

I've never been one to like peer editing... I find it quite embarrassing. There are few people that I actually feel ok having them read my work.
Today in English we were doing a peer review of our college app. personal statements. Frankly, I was really proud of mine and really excited to see what other people thought about them. For a huge part of it I was talking about this really important thing that I am doing for 4-H, I don't want to talk about it online just in case someone hears about it before I want everyone to know. I've been working very hard on it for the past year, lets just leave it at that. Well, one person in my class (I can't be too mad because she doesn't know what 4-H is so it probably has no value to her to begin with) told me as part of her criticism that I shouldn't talk about it as much because it didn't seem to be that big of a deal and other things would make more of an impact.
So much self-restraint. My brain pretty much exploded at that point. For one thing, an opportunity to do something for the 100th anniversary of the program only comes once, and I'm presenting in front of the state senate and assembly. I don't mean to brag about what I'm doing or anything... but I'm sorry, I can't think of any possible situation where this isn't a huge deal for a 17 year old girl. Especially since this program means more to me than you can possibly imagine. So yeah... I was a bit offended.
It's ok though, I got to go to open studio for ceramics right after class ended. I managed to glaze 2 of my 6 pinch pots before my brother was getting antsy and wanted to go. Frankly I don't think I could have stayed there much longer anyway, the group of girls that was next to me was talking about getting high and how to hide it from their potential bosses at job interviews. I felt incredibly uncomfortable, and frankly a little bit disgusted. Enduring that was worth it though because ceramics is so much fun. I'll probably post a couple of pictures of things I make on here so that you can see. I've already made twice as much as everyone else in the class. I'm such a cool kid.

On another note, I am getting super excited for Halloween. Like CRAZY excited. My friends and I are doing a group costume with the theme being Alice in Wonderland, and I get to be the Mad Hatter. I already have a whole bunch of ideas as to how to pull it off. Only problem is that I need a underskirt that will act more like a tutu than anything... I know I used to have one, but I think I might have gotten rid of it. I've got time though, so I'll think of something. It's going to be crazy. Which is pretty much perfect for me.

Ever had one of those lives?

I know things are starting to get better and even though I have to force myself to fall into new "habits" everything should be starting to be ok again. But I feel so empty, I'm not really sure what's happening to me though I know whatever it is it can't be good. I almost lost it again today. at school. It's not like anything really happened. I also almost hit someone. I don't hit people.... so that in itself scared me. If it wasn't for my outlet in ceramics, I don't think that I would be mentally stable.

I'm trying my best not to care about anything and focus on school and college apps. Stay focused Viktoria... you can do this.
Yeah sure, I can do this... but that doesn't ensure that I'll end up being happy again later on. I still feel a bit like a loser, especially since I didn't see this all along. I mean... it should have been obvious right? People tend to have personalities similar to that of the people who they hang out with. And most of that group of people drive me crazy because they can be such jerks. So why the hell did I expect him to be any different? At least I found out when I did, not that that makes dealing with that fact any easier. Especially now that I feel like I'm a hopeless case, nothing ever seems to work out and no matter how I approach things, everything always ends badly. Ugh, I must be like some negative omen or something.


I want to apologize now for the fact that all of my posts are really negative and depressing at the moment, this blog has become my healing tool. Please bear with me... it will end eventually. I promise.

midnight breakdown.

I never use the block option on facebook. never. So the moment when I realized that finally using it would be my best option, was not easy. I kept sitting there staring at my screen wondering whether or not this was something I really wanted to do. On one hand, this would prove to myself the fact that  I am completely done and will officially have absolutely nothing to do with him ever again (this will be the last post about it I swear). But, even after everything, there is still a part of me that is refusing to let go, no matter how hard I try. It is this part of me that keeps making me go through these constant mood swings. One second I'm fine, and then the next... I'm a complete mess.
So, I listened to Amanda... and I did it. My eyes were watering the whole time.  2 minutes later: I had somehow moved from the table to my bed, sobbing into my pillow. I'm trying so hard to convince myself that I'm ok, that this isn't affecting me. But at the same time... it's not like I can keep these emotions bottled up forever. Right?
So yeah, he now officially does not exist. I know this is going to help.... but this is honestly one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced.
I don't even want to fall asleep anymore just in case I end up having a dream about him. But then I remember that I have a chemistry test tomorrow... and then I give up on that notion.
Praying that I can make it through tomorrow. I'm just taking it one day at a time. 24 hour increments are manageable enough. I hope.

I'm still ok. There is no problem. Everything is fine.

Relief

Its done. OH MY GOD. Its actually done!!! I never thought this day would come. After 10 months of slaving, stressing and dreaming about my 3,999 word extended essay, I never have to think about it again. I can't even explain, this is honestly the greatest feeling in the world and I am most definitely not afraid to show it. Just ask my mom... about an hour ago I was dancing around the house screaming with joy.
So of course, to celebrate... I am procrastinating on the homework that I have tonight. Probably not the best idea, especially since I have a chemistry test tomorrow... Oh well, it'll get done. In the meantime however, I am having a dance party for one set to Imagine Dragons. I have become obsessed. COMPLETELY. obsessed with this band.
Oh yeah... and I got a whole lot done on my college apps yesterday. So like all of my stress levels are at a complete minimal. :)

So far...  I'm completely loving this carefree version of myself that I have decided to commit to. Life has improved significantly. Of course, there are still a couple of hiccups that I can't really avoid... but I'm in general doing SO much better than I normally do. Hurray for me and growing up! haha