I'm going to college!!!

I know my last post was essentially me just whining about the fact that I haven't heard anything from any schools yet and that I more than likely wouldn't find out about any of them until next year. Well, today I got some unexpected mail. First, I got a letter from Rutgers... so I started shaking and pretty much ripped the envelope in half. When I opened it the letter only said that they would notify me online. In February, so I was slightly disappointed that I had gotten my hopes up for nothing. Then my mom continues to go through the mail and suddenly her eyes get really wide. I looked up and was like... what? she proceeded to hold up this giant white envelope that said Michigan State University across the front. I ripped it out of her hands and opened it as fast as I could. Honestly I don't think I read the words on the letter for a full five minutes. I just saw big letters saying "Congratulations, You're a Spartan!" and I burst into tears. It's pretty much impossible to explain that moment, just knowing that regardless of what any other college says, you are going to college. And what is even better is that this school was one of the three I visited over the summer. It's not my number one, but it's nice to know that I have a really good school to look forward to if stuff doesn't work out.
I can't even begin to explain how happy I am right now, it's so surreal. So, I'm just going to leave off with a picture my mom took of me while we were at MSU this summer.

Sorry to make you wait

Quite frankly, I'm mad at myself. I said that I would try not to go for more than a week without posting anything from now on considering I almost went a whole year with absolutely nothing. I also feel really guilty about it because there are a significant amount of people who actually read this now, which is exciting and scary at the same time. I feel a lot more pressure to write about something interesting.
To give a brief update on everything, I have been really busy with the semester coming to a close. I finished my college apps a couple of weeks ago and I am now still currently waiting to hear back from all 10 of the schools. I don't think it would bother me all that much, but everyone else has started to get a flow of acceptance letters and I'm still sitting here not even knowing if I'll be able to go to college. What's even worse is that I won't know about my number one school until March, and my hopes are up so high... I'm terrified. The waiting game is a million times worse than the applications.
My 4-H project is going well, I had about 30 people join me to walk in our local parade to advertise the centennial. I also talked to Joe Simitian again on Sunday, were going to go get coffee one day so he can help me more with my project.
Two of my friends were called back fro the final interviews for the giant scholarship that I was applying for. Hopefully I can get one of the smaller ones.
I was rejected to be a delegate for California in the National 4-H Conference this spring. I was disappointed considering I really wanted to go to that, I'm beginning to get the feeling that the State Office really doesn't like me. Too bad I'm trying to do something really special for them.
I have 2 more days of finals left, unfortunately none of them are going to be easy (except for one which is a party but that's besides the point). Ive got multiple essays and DBQ's ahead of me. Yay for IB style tests.
My class ring came in the mail on Saturday. It's gorgeous and I love it.
Despite the fact that my grades are really good right now, and all my problems are starting to clear up again... I'm just really not in a good mood. I know that part of it is the fact that, even though I am super excited for college next year, I'm really scared about what's going to happen with my friends. 


Okay, so this was a stupid post. I'm sorry. I hope I get out of this trench soon.

Scholarship Interview

So I applied to the Sequoia Awards scholarship, which is awarded to High School seniors who are really committed to community service,at the end of October. I got a call about a week and a half ago letting me know that I had made it past the first round and that I would be brought in for interviews at some point. Well, my interview was today and so I was really trying to look my best so I actually dressed up for school. I know, it is quite an achievement for me.
I ended up running late so I showed up right at the exact time my interview was supposed to start so I was a little more freaked out then I would have liked to have been. The interview went well though, they said that they really liked the essay that I had sent. So, I guess I'll find out in January if I make it too the next round of interviews.

Crossing my fingers!!!

I'm feeling a little bruised.

I have always had problems with being bullied. It has been a constant part of my life since I was in pre-school. I never wanted it to be this way, no one ever does, but it seems that no matter the circumstances I can never escape it.
As I have made blatantly clear on this blog, I have been going through a fairly rough time since school has started this year. Everything that had happened was terrible and I have frequently found myself feeling absolutely miserable because of it, but even through all of the hurt and loneliness I managed to get through it by avoiding interactions with people that aren't my close friends. It has been pretty effective for the most part.
Recently, after Amanda got rid of her facebook, the two of us decided to get tumblrs so that we could share things back and forth with each other. No other reason. Frankly, the fact that I actually gave in to getting a tumblr is very surprising because the whole concept really bothers me, and I consider it a very poor excuse for a blog. But, I would do pretty much anything for Amanda, so I gave in. We only got them a few days ago, and I have been very hesitant about the whole thing because I didn't want people that we know to see that I had one because it is only meant for us and Morganne.
Last night, someone found me.. and sent me some anonymous hate mail. I only responded to one of their two messages, and I made sure that my response would be carefully thought out so that hopefully no one will bother me again. And even though what they said wasn't the worst thing someone has ever said to me it still hurt. I'm sick of the fact that people won't leave me alone, and I can't understand why people hate me so much, especially now that I'm trying to avoid most everyone. I think that it wouldn't have bothered me so much, let alone made me cry myself to sleep, had it not been for the fact that this is not the first or even second time that this has happened. Sophomore year, I was attacked over Formspring over and over again, at 2 separate times throughout the year. And it wasn't just one person, it was multiple people constantly barging me with all of these painful messages until they got bored or something. I never handled that as well as I should have, (which was part of my reasoning for being so careful now) but that has haunted me ever since. I thought that I had escaped it and that people had sort of accepted me or something by this point... but I guess not.
If it happens again I think I am just going to delete the tumblr, it's just not worth it. And if so, Amanda and I can find something else to do where people won't be terrible.

Sorry to have another sad post. I was planning on doing a whole start of the Christmas season thing today, but I needed to vent a little bit after that.

Thank you for being supportive of this blog, I know more people are reading it now and it is great to know that there is somewhere that I can be myself and not have to be worried about it. It means a lot.

Thanksgiving Break

Alright, I was going to start writing this yesterday... But Amanda was very adamant about my getting a tumblr so that the two of us could spam each other all day every day. We figured it would be the best way to keep the internet entertaining because Facebook doesn't hold the same value anymore. Anyway, I promised a  Thanksgiving post... so a thanksgiving post I will provide.

My mom decided that we would have Thanksgiving at our house this year, which hasn't happened for a VERY long time. So we spent a very long time cleaning the house on Wednesday and even Thursday morning trying to get everything ready for when everyone arrived. Now you have to understand that Thanksgiving in my family is with a bunch of family friends that are from different areas of Scandinavia (mainly Norway, and we are the only Swedish group in the mix).  And we have the normal Thanksgiving food but we also have a few "abnormal" traditions regarding food and such. Anyway, part of our group wasn't going to be there because they were in Norway... or Texas, no one really had much of a clue. But that wasn't the worst of it, my grandmothers best friend's husband, Leif, has been suffering from Alzheimers for about 10 years.. and he passed away at about 3 on Thursday  So not only was our group significantly smaller than it usually is... it was also a lot more depressing than normal. We still had fun, but everything was quite a bit less conversational at times. At least we know that he isn't suffering anymore.
On another less depressing note, the food was absolutely amazing.
Every year on Black Friday, my family has the tradition of going up to a small town called Sonora and spending the day there. We always get up there and go to the movies, ( This year we saw Wreck-it- Ralph, which was absolutely adorable) and then around 2 we go over across the street to Wal-Mart and laugh at everything that is absolutely ridiculous in there. I take a picture of the funniest thing I see every year. The past two years have involved some sort of Christmas decoration that has Santa sitting in a bathtub. After we are done there we find our usual spot for their town Christmas parade and wrap ourselves up in blankets and eat cookies. Then we go to all the little shops, specifically to this Ornament store called Dorthea's that has the best Christmas ornaments every year. Then we get dinner and go home.
On Saturday morning I went to Pete's Coffee with Quinn because she was back from college and we wanted to hangout before she left again the next morning. We filled each other in with all of our stories. It was great, I've missed her a lot. Then I finished my UC application, and by the time we were done.. we got ready to leave to go to the Dickens Fair, which I have basically been excitedly waiting for since we went last year. I want one of the costumes so bad its ridiculous. After we were done we went to the other side of the building and saw a San Francisco Bull's hockey game, and they won! Which was great because last time I went they didn't do so well. Still not as amazing as a Shark's game.. but it will have to do for now.
Sunday I spend ALL day working on college apps and got all but 1 of them done. That and I have an interview for the Sequoia Awards on December 4th. Everything is getting super exciting!!!

Alright... I have to get going to ceramics soon. Hopefully this post will be ok until I can find something else to write about. I know it's not the most entertaining thing but if you are anything like Amanda, then apparently you all like reading about my boring daily life.

This made my day

Okay, so I have been really bored and just surfing the Internet when I stumbled upon this beautiful thing. I would post the letter it generated for me, but I would like to keep that to myself... and a couple of my closest friends ( they know who they are). But, I figured that I would leave the link for all of you to enjoy ( http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1ixqeC/www.breakupemail.com/dump.php/). Honestly, I think its brilliant and it totally helps to stop any anger you might have against someone.
My favorite part? This option that they gave you as a sendoff line: "I hope maggots devour your testicles."
I thought it was beautiful.

Thanksgiving post to come in a couple days! In the meantime... I'll just be fasting and preparing myself to be utterly starving for my favorite meal of the whole year. Only the best holiday's involve gorging yourself with food.

Returning to Normality

I want to sincerely apologize. I have been absolutely terrible lately... I haven't posted in a week. The boredom must have been killing you, and I agree with the fact that I have been super lame about it. But, I have some really good news to go along with the fact that I haven't been blogging for a while. So hopefully I can redeem myself with the fact that my absence does not go without reason. And to make it up to you, I will try to make this post as lengthy as possible to recap all of the exciting things that I have done recently. So... here goes!
I'll begin with my explanation for why I haven't been blogging. To be perfectly honest, it because I couldn't find anything interesting to talk about. Nothing that has been going on has been interesting enough to write about, and (here comes the news...  you ready for it!?!) I no longer have any emotional rants to go on about because I am pretty much completely over that kid whose name shall never be mentioned on this blog. That's right, I have finally been able to shift away from all that nonsense and free myself. So you can all rejoice because you will never again have to deal with the hopeless rants of this once heartbroken 17 year old girl. I'm not exactly sure what caused this change of mind-set, it sort of just happened. I'm glad though, it makes things a lot easier, even if I do still have to deal with all of his friends being super obnoxious about it all. Anyway, I'm done with this topic for good, so let's move on to much more fun stuff. Awesome :)
So last Friday was the Sequoia vs. Carlmont football game. I went, didn't have as much fun as I had hoped for 3 reasons: 1) It was absolutely freezing and since I had been sitting outside in the cold since 3:30 that afternoon with no jacket, I was beginning to develop a slight concern that I could be contracting some sort of sickness. 2) Most of my friends didn't go, so I felt like a third wheel the entire time to one of my friends and his girlfriend who were huddled together next to me and 3) I couldn't even get into the game because we were so far ahead and they weren't even putting up much of a fight that I couldn't even find entertainment in watching it anymore. But we are going to the playoffs, our first game being tomorrow against M.A. Crossing my fingers that we do really well again!
On Saturday morning I was volunteering at the local Second Harvest food bank for Jr. Fair Board. I was put on duty for sorting through all of the donated items to make sure they were ok and safe for consumption. I had no idea that people donate so much JUNK. It was almost sad how much food we had to throw away because it had either expired, been pre-opened, was perishable, or the container had been damaged. And you have to understand, the expiration dates on most things aren't exactly accurate and you can still use them up to 3 years after the date on the container, and even with that criteria there were a significant amount of items that had expired as early as 2002 that we had found. It became really entertaining to see who could find the weirdest things. Some of my favorites, both good and bad were the expired pre-cooked canned snails that were imported from France, the multitudes of Spam, a stack of opened adult diapers that had turned grey, funnel cake batter and a pouring spout to go with it, luxury olive oils, opened jars of peanut butter, and a rotten banana. I think I sorted through a couple thousand cans at the table I was at alone... it was the craziest 3 hours of my life and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Later that night my family and I went up to the Cow Palace for a SF Bulls hockey game. It was nice to be able to go and watch hockey again since the NHL is on lockout right now (I'm super depressed about that) but given the fact that they are a brand new team and thus aren't doing so well... the energy just isn't anywhere near what I'm used to. Plus I miss my San Jose Sharks </3, my school year just isn't the same without them. I did have a lot of fun though, and will most definitely go to more games this year.
On Sunday, I spent the day in San Fransisco with my family to celebrate the long weekend. We decided to do all of the touristy things since that's not normally something we do. We went to pier 39, I got a Left-Handed notebook at the Lefty's store (I can't even begin to describe how wonderful it is to not have to write over that stupid spiral spring wire thing anymore.) and we got clam chowder in a bread bowl at our favorite restaurant down there. We also went to both the Wax Museum and Ripley's Believe it or Not. We then walked down to Fisherman's wharf and went to go see the Balclutha (its an old sailing ship) so my dad and I could relive some old memories from when we went on a historical field trip thing on it when I was in 4th grade. And of course, we had to stop at Ghirardelli Square. So much chocolate, it was wonderful. And we got home early enough that we decided to watch Beetlejuice and relax. It was great, I was super happy and full of sourdough and chocolate.
Finally, the last super cool thing that I did this week happened yesterday. So my friend Dani has been inviting me to go to her church's Youth Group meetings for a while now and they either get cancelled or I'm not able to go. But last night I was finally able to and had so much fun. I met so many new people and they were all super friendly, it was super great. I would talk about it more but a lot of what happened was really personal and prayer oriented, but in just one night I got so much closer to Dani and I can't even begin to explain how perfect that night was and how much I needed that. I'd go into it more, but since I know some people get uncomfortable with it and I want to respect that, I'm trying to leave all the spiritual aspects out. But I am most definitely going to be going a lot more in the future.

So yeah, that's what I have been doing the past week in a nutshell. Hope it wasn't to sporadic or anything. And I'll try to get back to my normal schedule and blog a lot more again. Thanks for holding out for me!

Today's Google Doodle

Sorry I really haven't been blogging much, I would but honestly... I really don't have anything to talk about anymore. My life is becoming increasingly less interesting. I am not exactly sure if this is a good or a bad thing yet...
Anyway, I went onto google today to look something up and pretty much screamed. Apparently today is Bram Stoker's birthday, so they made the google doodle all Dracula themed. I was so excited because not only was I in that show 3 years ago, but the doodle depicted every single one of the characters in the story. It brought back so many memories and I think I smiled so hard my face cracked.
So for those of you who haven't seen it, here is what it looks like:
http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/breaking/2012/1108/breaking22.html

More posts to come soon, I promise.

weekend catchup

This week has been so exhausting. It was really fun don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed it... but oh my god this weekend has not been even close to being long enough so that I can recover from everything.
I'm very sorry about the fact that I have been so inconsistent the past week or so, I just haven't been able to just sit down and work. I promise that as soon as things start to calm down that this will all change. It might be a few weeks considering college apps are due very soon, but it will happen.
Despite the fact that this week was homecoming week, and considering that usually entails a lot of excitement of some sort... it was fairly dull. Sure, the Giants won the World Series and everyone was pretty hyped up about that, but since I have been at Sequoia, this was by far the least spirited homecoming week. Of course, I tried to be just as spirited as always, regardless of what everyone else was doing.
My two highlights of the week were Halloween and hall decorating...which I guess were in some ways the same thing this year since they fell on the same day. Halloween was amazing because of my friends. A group of 8 of us dressed up as the different characters from Alice in Wonderland and had a tea party at lunch. We were absolutely adorable and had the most creative group costume in school by far. And then hall decorating has always been my favorite thing to begin with, but we managed to make our hallway absolutely amazing this year, to the point where we topped our spongebob hallways last year. But, apparently, the judges didn't agree on that... so we tied for 2nd... with the Sophomores, who had a horrible hallway... and the Freshman won. So we will forever be known as the first senior class to ever lose to freshman.. I cried. It was not only embarrassing but ridiculous, we had put so much more time and effort into everything.. only to have that happen. I don't even want to think about it anymore... it just makes me depressed.

Also... there was a bit of a surprise for me by the end of the week that I wasn't expecting. So Lorenzo had invited his friend who is a German Exchange student at a school in Petaluma to our homecoming dance... and my friends took this opportunity to decide that this kid... whether he liked it or not, would become my date for homecoming. I met him the night before at the football game. His name is Luca, and he is very, very attractive (not to mention about 3 inches taller than me)!  I have t o admit, I honestly didn't feel like I deserved to be set up with someone like that so I was nervous to talk to him at first... only to find that he was either incredibly boring or incredibly shy. Honestly, after two days I couldn't tell.. he was very difficult to read. I had a lot of fun with everyone though, even though there were a few rough spots, the past 2 nights were so much fun it feels like its happened over a span of like half a week and not merely 24 hours.

So yeah, that's a very brief and positive summation of everything that happened. I'll bring everything back to normal soon.

Homecoming week

So today marked the start of Homecoming week. It was pajama day today, so no one was really over the top crazy... the craziest thing that people wore was wearing onesies. I tend to be really fond of people that go over the top with spirit days, I try to most of the time but somethings are really difficult to do. So that caused me to end up running into some internal problems. I was pretty much fighting between memory and reality... again. I really wish that I could just get rid of all of those memories so that none of this would even matter. Unfortunately that isn't possible. My hope is that my stupid emotions won't get in the way of having fun the rest of homecoming like its seemed to have put a damper on pretty much everything else at school this year. At least tomorrow I can feel comfortable tomorrow since its miss-matched day... which is pretty much what I wear every day. They need to rename it after me. No, I'm not that special. I'm getting super excited for Halloween though. It's going to be perfect. Just you wait.

...

I was thinking about how I was feeling about life this summer as compared to now. Understandably, with that I thought was going on this summer, I was in a good mood, and really excited fro school to start back up again. I kept telling everyone how this year was going to be different. Yeah, we were going to start out senior year and everything but the entire time I only had one person on my mind. In a way, I was right, about pretty much everything. This year is different, really different, and it is all because of that one person. I just never saw the deception and ambiguity of it all. I have no idea how everything changed so fast, and I'm pretty sure that I will never know. I can't tell you how many times I have played through the past three years in my mind thinking about all of the things I could have done differently so that none of this would have happened. Yeah, it's been painful (which I've made blatantly obvious) and it will continue to be for what I'm assuming will be quite a while, but I have learned a lot. I'm not saying I took that ... whatever we had... for granted, I didn't, but I was foolish to think that there was no risk of ever losing that. Deep down I knew the risks of that for a really long time, but I chose to ignore that. And now that everything has ended, I can't even take the time to appreciate it for what it was. And I have no idea what the future holds, but it breaks my heart to think about any of it at the moment. I used to imagine how we would keep in contact in college and still be friends after high school ended. I guess that was just another foolish thought.
What makes me feel even more foolish is the fact that none of anything seems to matter to him. So while I'm sitting around constantly thinking of old inside jokes or conversations, and how there are so many things that I won't be able to watch or listen to or anything for a long time because of the association, he doesn't care about any of it. Not even the fact that I'm the reason he was able to pass about 4 of his classes....
I wish I knew why things like this happen, I know we need to grow and learn and make mistakes, but sometimes the troubles we go through seem ridiculous and unnecessary. He really is a good person, and I hope he goes far in life and is happy, if not, that would probably break my heart more than it is now.

I'm starting to crumble

I'm really stressed out right now so I need to take a break from everything. I've been working on college apps, scholarship apps, a conference app, and my homework all at the same time. It's only slightly crazy.
And I feel bad because all of this stress has prevented me from being able to blog at all. So I'm really sorry that I've been MIA recently, I've been trying to find time to write, but all attempts have availed me.
I'm also having problems with just thinking right now. I seem to have this need to torture myself at the moment. I don't really know whats going on, but i think it's because of the fact that I'm having such an incredibly hard time letting go. I feel like I'm suck inside a rubber band, every time I get close... I snap back harder than before. I'm desperately trying to get out of this, I'm sick of this aching pain that I get with every memory.
That's the other problem, as much as I'm angry and hurt and everything... I find it impossible to hate him. Part of it is the fact that everything that we had gone through in the past has kept me from it. And I keep defending him, like that's going to do me any good. I mean, this is freaking insane... the things he said and did were terrible but I feel the need to defend the fact that he is a good person, even now. I'm starting to see the fault in my inability to see the bad in everyone expect myself.

I also finally bought Taylor Swift's new album. Half of the songs on there are pretty much a compilation of what is going on in my head. Hence the reason why I am torturing myself. I've been listening to it on repeat and have been on the verge of tears at least 6 times. I'm 80% sure this unhealthy. The only things that are keeping me together at the moment are Amanda, my grades (they are amazing at the moment, so it's a major confidence boost), and my mom. All of my friends have been great, and I'm super thankful for them for putting up with me... I know it's exhausting, and I'm trying to keep as much of it to myself as possible so that they don't get sick of me.

And there... it happened, I wrote yet another obnoxious post that I have been trying so hard to avoid. I'm surprised people don't stop reading my blog because of all of this. I'm being quite the stereotypical whiny teenager. Thanks for putting up with me.


"Hey you called me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumbled up piece of paper lying here
Cause I remember it all too well..."

this is impossible

I'm really sorry that it has been a couple days since I have posted anything. I was going to post something this weekend but I was so busy with the haunted house that I was organizing that I didn't have time to even breath.
I'm not exactly sure what I want to talk about in this post... well I can't say that is true, I know exactly what I am going to talk about but considering I have been having a very difficult time putting the thoughts together coherently to myself I am not sure exactly how they are going to be translated into blog form. So bear with me, if nothing makes sense... well, that would be why.
Okay, Friday night (this was after I posted otherwise I would have written something about it then) I was talking to my mom about things that had happened that day that had really affected me. It resulted in the biggest meltdown that I have had in a long time. And because of everything that happened... I am now back to step one in the getting over someone phase.

But before I go on sounding like a whiny, pathetic loser, I would like to talk about something briefly to clarify somethings. Normally, I would just keep on rambling but considering some of the comments that were made towards me on Friday, I feel that I need to justify what I am going through a little bit more. Yes, I know, I never dated the guy... but that does not mean that I didn't have a relationship with him, it was just a different kind of relationship. Not only that, but it had been that way since fairly early on in my Freshman year of high school, and had feelings for him pretty much that whole time (even though I wouldn't admit this until much later on). That's three years now. Now after three years of being good friends and getting closer the whole time, he decides he never wants anything to do with me ever again, and doesn't even have the decency to tell me that to my face. I think I deserve to be upset about this. If you feel otherwise, I would prefer you to tell me in a manner that won't hurt my feelings and it won't be in the vicinity so that he can hear everything you say about the matter. I don't mind you telling me, I promise that if you do I will stop mentioning it, but please be polite about it. The whole concept of relationships and how that connects to my self-esteem has always been a sensitive issue with me.

Okay, now that I have clarified that a little bit, I think that it is fine to go on with my story. So Friday night, after all of the sobbing and talking to my mom, I decided I was absolutely exhausted and went to bed. Little did I know that this was the start of a long weekend of restless sleep because of these terrible dreams I was about to start having. But that first one was by far the worst, because it can and probably will happen, which scares me really bad at the moment. So, in this dream I was going to an assembly or some kind of presentation where I wasn't with people I normally have classes with. It ended up being that he sat right in front of me. I was really uncomfortable and tried to pretend like I didn't know he was there. Suddenly he turned around and made a comment that was along the lines of
'so are we not talking anymore?'
I was angry at the comment because the answer seemed obvious to me. So I responded, and the conversation escalated very quickly and had soon gotten to the point where we were screaming at each other. I still remember most of it vividly, and it was along the lines of the following:
'Well considering you want nothing to do with me, it sure seems like it.'
'So I guess we can't call ourselves friends anymore.'
'Really?!? After all of this, you are just NOW saying that we aren't friends anymore?!?!!'
'What the hell is wrong with you? I was just trying to start a conversation!'
'A conversation!?! You think that we can just go back to talking normally after you left me hanging for months, wondering what happened and hoping nothing had changed. And then you don't even bother to try to explain ANYTHING, but instead tell someone else that you are done with me so that THEY can pass on the news! Honestly?!?'
'So you blame all of this on me?!'
'OF COURSE I DO! I sent you that message this summer, and you acted like you were interested... and then NOTHING!'
'YOU WERE TOO LATE! I CHANGE-'
'I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT! what bothers me was the fact that you didn't have the decency to tell me any of this YOURSELF! You dumped it on **, dragging him into something that should have just been OUR problem and leaving him depressed because he didn't want to hurt me! Do you think that avoiding ONE awkward conversation is better than BEING HONEST!'
'PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES FOR A SECOND! YOU CAN'T TELL ME YOU WOULD DO ANY DIFFERENT!'
'I HAVE! AND I WOULD NEVER BE SO HORRIBLE TO LEAD SOMEONE ON LIKE THAT ONLY TO CRUSH THEM! You know? After three years of thinking that you were one of the nicest, funniest people I had ever met, I honestly can't STAND the sight of you anymore. I don't care if your friends are judging me all of the time, you were the one that told everyone about this. NOT ME. I'm done with you.'
'FINE!'

yeah... it was longer than that, with a lot more personal details and swearing but you pretty much get the point. I woke up and felt like I was in a daze for pretty much the rest of the day, it felt so real... which meant that I had essentially had 2 major arguments in one day. I don't even know what to think of it a few days later. All I have been able to get out of it was that it was really an argument within myself, the side that wants to hold on and the side that wants to move on. Unfortunately, it seems like neither side wants to budge. I feel like I am just as bad now as I was a few weeks ago. But going through school is really hard when there are constantly things that I see that remind me of old conversations and such, and I still have such a hard time letting go of all of that.
It's the hardest thing in the world to go from 180 to 0 in a matter of seconds, it takes time to slow down. It also helps to know whats happening, which I don't. And regardless of where you stand relationship wise... if you have feelings for someone that long, they are going to be strong. Like it was dizzying, I could be completely focused on something and even at the mention of him or something he said would make me smile and lose focus for the longest time. I don't know what falling for someone is like, but I'm sure there was at least a small part of me that was beginning to at least. So to get over someone immediately after all of that is one of the hardest things I can think of. It's even worse when you see them and you start to think old thoughts you used to have about how good you think they look that day and how you would just long to be next to them. And every time I have caught myself I feel even more miserable than I did before. I'm trying so hard to move on, it's crazy. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like I keep walking in circles, getting a little bit stronger and then heading back to the start all over again. And I have lost all hope in myself, there has to be something wrong with me that I'm just not seeing. That is the only possible explanation for all of this.
I am so sorry for the rambling, I just really need to think through this... and I hope I will have other happier stuff to talk about soon, because I am sure everyone who reads this is absolutely sick with the fact that I am boring and going on and on about a stupid teenage boy.

GO SEQUOIA GO!!!!!

Today was a big day. Let me rephrase that. Today was a HUGE day. My high school, Sequoia, is a huge rivals with this other local high school Woodside. Well tonight our two schools had a football game against eachother. This is only the second year we have had a rival school game for a long time. Last year, the game was at Woodside (I ended up not going) and it was a really close game... that we ended up losing. We were incredibly embarrassed because our team is generally REALLY good, and theirs.. isn't. So this year, not only did we want to make up for what happened last year, but we also had the game on OUR turf.
Now, this week was technically supposed to be our homecoming week. But because the rivalry between the schools is so bad, the Administration didn't want a huge fight to break out so they pushed the actual homecoming week later. The student bodies of both schools... we didn't care. Both schools cheer teams, bands, and dance teams worked really hard to try and outdo the others. And dare I say, we outshown them, by SO much. And the shining star was my dear friend Lorenzo. Oh my word, I love that kid so much right now, he joined our schools cheer team so that he can add to the squad with some of his gymnastic skills. He was doing all sorts of flips all over the place and everyone in the stands went CRAZY!!!! And our dance team... oh my god they blew everyone away! Honestly, I have not seen our school preform anything that comes even close to how amazing this was tonight, and we have had some pretty dang amazing performances in the past.
And not only that, but we blew them out of the water with a final score of 32-7. Feast on that Woodside, just because you have the money doesn't mean that you have half of the school pride that we Cherokees do <3.
Even our principal had the biggest smile on her face that I had ever seen. That says it all, tonight was absolutely amazing... I don't think even the homecoming game will be able to live up to how awesome this was.
GO CHEROKEES!!!!!!!!

no reason

I have a chemistry test tomorrow morning. I was terrified for it because I had no idea what was going on at all in this chapter... no matter how many times I looked at the notes to figure it out it didnt make sense. Then tonight, boom. Everything started to click together. Considering I didn't even look at half of the material until tonight and I still managed to get an A on the practice test... I dare say I am pretty proud. That and I am now confident for the test tomorrow. YAY!
But.. while I was studying for my test... a commercial started playing on the TV in the other room... and that song was playing in it. I pretty much siezed up. I'm trying my best not to listen to that song, and not to react to anything so that I can get over everything faster. So hearing the song play unexpectedly really didn't help. AT. ALL. I tried to focus on my homework, but five minutes later I couldn't take it anymore... and I started crying to my mom. again.


I'm so done with this.
I'm done with trying to seem like I'm perfectly fine all of the time so that anyone who is going to judge me won't have any reason to.
I'm done with constantly trying to improve my flaws so that maybe whatever happened this time wont happen again in the future.
I'm done with constantly getting my hopes up... only to have everything come crashing down on me.
I'm done with investing so much into things that obviously mean absolutely nothing to everyone else.
I'm done with people.

Honestly, I couldn't be any more frustrated with my life right now... constantly maintaining my composure like I am now, is one of the most difficult things I have had to do. I don't wish this on anyone.

red

I have to admit, I have been really.... disappointed with Taylor Swift's more recent music. I have always been a huge fan... but as time has passed I have just found myself more and more annoyed with the direction she is taking with her music. Yes there are a couple of exceptions to this, I am not going to lie, but on the whole... her new music drives me crazy.
Because of this, I am reluctant to listen to anything off of her new album that is coming out very soon... but today I finally gave in and listened to the title song off of the album: Red.
She's done it again... another song that describes exactly what I am feeling. I cried when I listened to it. It's been so hard to describe what I am going through right now... especially since there's a lot of things I wouldn't like to admit, even to myself. But this song... it hit home, let's just leave it at that.
I still haven't completely regained my lover for her work... but I'm okay with it at the moment. Either way I am definitely going to be stuck on this song for a while, at least until I get over things...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZW8QNIiu1A


Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoesTell myself it’s time now, gotta let goBut moving on from him is impossibleWhen I still see it all in my head

Applesauce, tofu, mashed potatoes and another breakdown

There is something about getting your wisdom teeth removed that makes you feel absolutely useless, I have done absolutely nothing all day and find it impossible to get anything done whatsoever.
Whats even worse then that is the fact that I CAN'T EAT NORMAL FOOD. It's only been a little over 24 hours since my surgery and I'm already sick of eating like a baby. It took me over an hour to eat a single 2'1' block of tofu... how pathetic is that!
I wish so badly that I could eat something crunchy... or have a sandwich from Ike's or something! I'm so sick of baby food type things.
Also, I never got loopy from the anesthesia... but I haven't gone unaffected. All of the meds they have put me on have made me incredibly emotional. I start crying at the littlest things. Also, because of this fact, I had another breakdown. I sat on the couch sobbing to my mom for about an hour today. I'm trying really hard to be as normal as I possibly can, but when people keep testing you to see how you will react to saying his name or other little tests like that... it gets incredibly tiring. And as much as I try not to let it bother me, after a while it becomes really hard to ignore.
I just really wish I knew what happened for everything to go so horribly wrong. I mean... how could we have gone from being so close to never wanting to speak to each other again. Does someone who is talking to me have any answers to that? I don't know.... but I really wish I had never said anything. I'm sick of keeping my guard up and pretending that none of this is affecting me. Plus on top of this... there are other emotions that are starting to come up that I know are absolutely ridiculous and stupid so I'm trying my best to stop them... but after everything its really hard. Especially since it sort of reminds me of how things used to be... which makes it almost worse at the same time. I just keep trying to tell myself that I am done with all of this guy drama. I'm sick of going through everything trying to get rid of all of my faults, and then everything goes horribly wrong anyway. Honestly, how is it possible to have your heart broken this many times and still have never even had anything come close to a relationship. I guess my life really is one cruel joke.
So yeah, I have absolutely no self- confidence anymore.... and I have pretty much given up on any hope for anything whatsoever. Especially after I saw a status on facebook that was about this one girl ( who hates me btw) that never shuts up and is always complaining about everything and everyone is now in a relationship. That alone made me want to cry, I mean, how horrible must I be if she can find someone and I'm always stuck feeling like crap.
I guess this is another reason I want to go to a giant college out of state, that way I can completely hide and no one will know who I am. I am so sick of all of this drama being created. I just want to be happy and go on with my life quietly surrounded only by the people I care about. Of course... the only problem with going far away is that I'm going to be leaving all of my best friends behind... that's gonna suck.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I guess I'll just go check on my neighbors cats and then make myself some more mashed potatoes.

nerves

I'm getting my wisdom teeth removed tomorrow, and as much as I know I should be scared for the actual procedure, even when I try I can't bring myself to be even the tiniest bit scared for it.
No, instead I have been freaking out all week over the fact that I won't be able to eat or drink anything all day until the procedure is over after 2 P.M. If you know me at all, you know that I'm a big eater. So the fact that I am going to be starving and won't be able to eat anything at all terrifies me. I even did a mini test today to see how I will do .... even though I had breakfast today, I was barely able to last until lunch without going crazy with hunger. Tomorrow is going to be my worst nightmare. And knowing my friends... I can think of at least 2 people who are going to shove food in front of my face to watch me squirm.
I can't wait...
The other thing I'm not looking forward to is the fact that I'm going to have to eat using tiny bites for the next few days. that's terrible. Ughhhh... I want normal food already.

Reunion

Honestly, I feel like my day today completely exemplifies the "typical teenage brain" topic that we are talking about in psychology at the moment. I was in such a bad mood through all of school today, and then I had one of the best nights I have had in a long time (this doesn't include the camping trip with my group of friends, that was on a whole 'nother level).  I'm not even sure why I was in a bad mood this morning, I just was... it wasn't like anything bad happened by that point. But then I overheard something at the beginning of lunch that made me want to punch through a brick wall I was so upset. I was waiting for my friend to get something out of his locker after we had just gotten out of psychology, and I heard a conversation coming from a couple of guys that were walking behind us. One of them made the comment "I don't know man... it's just so awkward" (which is what sparked my interest to begin with because it was nice to know that other people were having awkward situations like me... as horrible as that sounds) and I thought to myself how there was no way their situation could be anywhere near as awkward as mine is. Then I heard a different voice say "Dude, its not that hard to remedy... all you gotta do it talk to her." with a response saying "I dunno, maybe."
So yeah, I was curious. So I turned around briefly to see who it was. I wish I hadn't. Turns out the guy who gave the piece of advice as to how "easy" it was to remedy the situation, is the hypocrite that can't even take his own advice but instead puts his bullshit on someone else to relay the information.
I was so pissed off, I have no possible way to explain it without a whole lot of expletives. (And I am trying my hardest to keep this blog as clean as possible so I apologize for the above, but no other word does that it justice.) Honestly that is the closest I have ever come to hitting someone in my life. I was so angry I didn't speak for a good 10 minutes. I couldn't even express how angry I was at the situation until over an hour later when I had composed myself enough to keep from being an explosion of screaming and swearing.
I know my reaction probably seems a little bit over the top, but I think I have the right to be at least a slight bit justified. I mean... oh my god, I can't even comprehend that. Just go ahead and stab me a third time why don't you.
So yeah... I wasn't exactly keen on going through with the rest of my day after that one. Though, when I was talking to my mom about it, she said she felt so bad for me because I have had all the breakups but no relationships to begin with. I laughed pretty hard about that. Whatever higher power is out there has apparently made my life into some sort of sick practical joke. Well, if it provides someone with entertainment, then I guess I will just keep playing along :)

Tonight on the other hand... was SO. MUCH. FUN. So, I have to explain this a little bit. My moms group of friends from high school gets together every once in a while at Harry's Hofbreau (It's a local restaurant) to have dinner and catch up. A few of her friends have kids as well, who are just a couple years older then me and I have been really good friends with them for a long time. But since they are all in college now, I wasn't expecting any of them to be there. I didn't even bother hoping for them to be there because I figured it would be futile. Well, when I got there... Alyssa, who is my closest friend of all of them happened to be able to come. I haven't seen her in 4 years. I was so excited to see her I screamed! Another one of the "next generation" was there, Maleah ( I think that's how you spell her name, I don't know her quite as well) and she was telling all of her crazy bar stories... she's almost 22 now. It was also great to see all of my moms friends too, I hardly ever get to see them.  I can't even explain...  it was just fantastic, and Alyssa is going to add me on skype so we can talk more frequently now because there is no possible way that I am going to wait another 4 years to see her again. That is just not right.
So yeah, at least I got to end my day on a good note. :)

National 4-H Week :)

So yesterday marked the start of National 4-H Week, which means... this is one of my favorite weeks of the year.
For those of you who read this and don't know what 4-H is, it is a program that originally started as a way for kids who lived on farms to show and compete with the agricultural products and animals that they raised. Since then it has branched out to have a project for pretty much anything you can think of. I have been incredibly involved in the program since I was 5 years old and it has been the source for all of the good things I have done so far in my life. Honestly, I could go on about how much I love this program and how much it has done for me as a person for days. It is such an amazing organization and I firmly believe that every single kid on this earth can benefit from at least something that it offers.
Obviously, it means a lot to me. like... more than you could ever begin to comprehend. And I am currently working on a project that will allow me to give back to the program that has given me so much throughout my life. And it is all because this year is the 100th anniversary of 4-H in California. It's big, like crazy big. But I'm still not exactly ready to mention it to the public quite yet, so I'm sorry that this is the second time that I have brought it up and refuse to say anything any less ambiguous. That will change sooner or later. I promise. And guaranteed there will be a very lengthy post over my excitement with the whole ordeal. So you can have that to look forward to. It will be great! :)


Speaking of things I need to work on, I need to get started on my application for the National 4-H Leadership Conference... I have way to many things on my to do list these days.

this is madness

Prescribed Title essays. They are... I don't even know crazy? insane? ridiculous? stupid? mind-boggling?
I have been sitting in front of my computer since 1 this afternoon trying to write this essay and so far I have half of a paragraph.  after 11 hours. I thought maybe waiting until midnight would help to have this make sense. Nope. Nothing.
So I have decided that I am going to write it at 5 tomorrow morning, because then I won't be awake enough to think and therefore I can write this and in regards to TOK... it will all make perfect sense later on.
On another note, I went up to UC Davis yesterday. I still love the school, but I have come to the realization that I liked it because of 4-H and since I saw it for the first time without that side of it yesterday, it was a little different. I also am starting to think that 2 hours by car is too close, I really want to go out of state. REALLY BAD. But more so, I just want to be done with High School and get on to college already. I'm done with these people, everyone except for my friends just annoy the heck out of me. I really need a change. too bad I have to wait so long... oh well, at least I can keep myself busy with college apps and scholarships in the meantime.
Sorry I don't really have anything interesting to talk about, I really didn't do anything besides going to Davis this weekend. Shows you just how exciting my life is right now. Paperwork, yay...
Speaking of which... I should better be getting back to what I'm technically supposed to be doing. Hopefully I'll have something more meaningful to post later.

the extent of my rebelliousness

this is the second time this has happened. Same teacher, same subject. only difference is which friend I am sitting next to. Last year it was Amanda, this year it's Dani, Rebecca and Ty. I'm such a rebel, blogging in English class.
But yeah, Today has been a lot of fun. Honestly I don't think I have laughed this much during school for a really long time. Awesome way to spend the day. I'm telling you, this is something that you should do every day, go through everything (especially the boring things) laughing about all of it. No matter how miserable you were before, you're going to be in a good mood.
I mean, it wasn't like I was in a bad mood, I was just really bored about school this morning and all I could look forward to was going up to UC Davis tomorrow to spend the day there, especially since I get to see my really good friends dorm room because she said that she was going to show me some of here new "secret knowledge of the school". Nahh.. it's not really secret, but I'm really jealous of the fact that she gets to take all of these super amazing classes I can only dream about for right now.... oh well, I'll be in college in a year anyway. But for now, I'll just sit here and blog instead of taking the notes I'm supposed to be taking. It's not like they are on anything important anyway... So yeah, for the last part of class this is more than likely going to be a stream of consciousness, that is completely full of errors. Forgive me for that.
OH! I have now glazed all of my pinch pots, so I will have photos of those up within the next week or so, because I will finally be able to bring them home. In the mean time, I will be working on glazing my coil pots,  I have no idea what colors I should use... so if anyone has any ideas feel free to let me know at any time. They need to be as cool as the actual pot itself. Yay for creativity!
Also, I had no idea until today that you could have a comprehensive conversation ( full of laughter of course) about the clouds and what sort of feelings they would have based on what they look like. The guy I sit next to in my psychology class is absolutely obsessed with them... he was like ... synonymous to a squirrel. I couldn't stop laughing. Of course, this was probably a bad thing considering we were supposed to be working on a partner test thing... I mean, we got it done. We just had a lot of fun along the way. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
Lunch time: I did the one thing I thought I would never do, reveal my ability to mimic the voice of Yogi Bear. I don't even know what provoked that, it isn't like I had some internal desire to ever show that to anyone outside of my family who does other voices to go along with it. Yeah, we are pretty cool, I know.

So.... I'm supposed to be brainstorming about defiance right now. I'm doing one better, I'm acting on defiance. hehe... sorry, brain fart. And I'm starting to run out of ideas. So I'm probably going to leave this off here and not do any more until later tonight when I talk about some actual stuff. And if I end up not posting tonight, I'm sorry. I will try not to avoid any obligations I make here.

*insert witty title here, I can't think of one*

I've never been one to like peer editing... I find it quite embarrassing. There are few people that I actually feel ok having them read my work.
Today in English we were doing a peer review of our college app. personal statements. Frankly, I was really proud of mine and really excited to see what other people thought about them. For a huge part of it I was talking about this really important thing that I am doing for 4-H, I don't want to talk about it online just in case someone hears about it before I want everyone to know. I've been working very hard on it for the past year, lets just leave it at that. Well, one person in my class (I can't be too mad because she doesn't know what 4-H is so it probably has no value to her to begin with) told me as part of her criticism that I shouldn't talk about it as much because it didn't seem to be that big of a deal and other things would make more of an impact.
So much self-restraint. My brain pretty much exploded at that point. For one thing, an opportunity to do something for the 100th anniversary of the program only comes once, and I'm presenting in front of the state senate and assembly. I don't mean to brag about what I'm doing or anything... but I'm sorry, I can't think of any possible situation where this isn't a huge deal for a 17 year old girl. Especially since this program means more to me than you can possibly imagine. So yeah... I was a bit offended.
It's ok though, I got to go to open studio for ceramics right after class ended. I managed to glaze 2 of my 6 pinch pots before my brother was getting antsy and wanted to go. Frankly I don't think I could have stayed there much longer anyway, the group of girls that was next to me was talking about getting high and how to hide it from their potential bosses at job interviews. I felt incredibly uncomfortable, and frankly a little bit disgusted. Enduring that was worth it though because ceramics is so much fun. I'll probably post a couple of pictures of things I make on here so that you can see. I've already made twice as much as everyone else in the class. I'm such a cool kid.

On another note, I am getting super excited for Halloween. Like CRAZY excited. My friends and I are doing a group costume with the theme being Alice in Wonderland, and I get to be the Mad Hatter. I already have a whole bunch of ideas as to how to pull it off. Only problem is that I need a underskirt that will act more like a tutu than anything... I know I used to have one, but I think I might have gotten rid of it. I've got time though, so I'll think of something. It's going to be crazy. Which is pretty much perfect for me.

Ever had one of those lives?

I know things are starting to get better and even though I have to force myself to fall into new "habits" everything should be starting to be ok again. But I feel so empty, I'm not really sure what's happening to me though I know whatever it is it can't be good. I almost lost it again today. at school. It's not like anything really happened. I also almost hit someone. I don't hit people.... so that in itself scared me. If it wasn't for my outlet in ceramics, I don't think that I would be mentally stable.

I'm trying my best not to care about anything and focus on school and college apps. Stay focused Viktoria... you can do this.
Yeah sure, I can do this... but that doesn't ensure that I'll end up being happy again later on. I still feel a bit like a loser, especially since I didn't see this all along. I mean... it should have been obvious right? People tend to have personalities similar to that of the people who they hang out with. And most of that group of people drive me crazy because they can be such jerks. So why the hell did I expect him to be any different? At least I found out when I did, not that that makes dealing with that fact any easier. Especially now that I feel like I'm a hopeless case, nothing ever seems to work out and no matter how I approach things, everything always ends badly. Ugh, I must be like some negative omen or something.


I want to apologize now for the fact that all of my posts are really negative and depressing at the moment, this blog has become my healing tool. Please bear with me... it will end eventually. I promise.

midnight breakdown.

I never use the block option on facebook. never. So the moment when I realized that finally using it would be my best option, was not easy. I kept sitting there staring at my screen wondering whether or not this was something I really wanted to do. On one hand, this would prove to myself the fact that  I am completely done and will officially have absolutely nothing to do with him ever again (this will be the last post about it I swear). But, even after everything, there is still a part of me that is refusing to let go, no matter how hard I try. It is this part of me that keeps making me go through these constant mood swings. One second I'm fine, and then the next... I'm a complete mess.
So, I listened to Amanda... and I did it. My eyes were watering the whole time.  2 minutes later: I had somehow moved from the table to my bed, sobbing into my pillow. I'm trying so hard to convince myself that I'm ok, that this isn't affecting me. But at the same time... it's not like I can keep these emotions bottled up forever. Right?
So yeah, he now officially does not exist. I know this is going to help.... but this is honestly one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced.
I don't even want to fall asleep anymore just in case I end up having a dream about him. But then I remember that I have a chemistry test tomorrow... and then I give up on that notion.
Praying that I can make it through tomorrow. I'm just taking it one day at a time. 24 hour increments are manageable enough. I hope.

I'm still ok. There is no problem. Everything is fine.

Relief

Its done. OH MY GOD. Its actually done!!! I never thought this day would come. After 10 months of slaving, stressing and dreaming about my 3,999 word extended essay, I never have to think about it again. I can't even explain, this is honestly the greatest feeling in the world and I am most definitely not afraid to show it. Just ask my mom... about an hour ago I was dancing around the house screaming with joy.
So of course, to celebrate... I am procrastinating on the homework that I have tonight. Probably not the best idea, especially since I have a chemistry test tomorrow... Oh well, it'll get done. In the meantime however, I am having a dance party for one set to Imagine Dragons. I have become obsessed. COMPLETELY. obsessed with this band.
Oh yeah... and I got a whole lot done on my college apps yesterday. So like all of my stress levels are at a complete minimal. :)

So far...  I'm completely loving this carefree version of myself that I have decided to commit to. Life has improved significantly. Of course, there are still a couple of hiccups that I can't really avoid... but I'm in general doing SO much better than I normally do. Hurray for me and growing up! haha

standing out

I've never really fit in.  When I was younger I would always try to be excepted by others. Well, I guess that never really has stopped, as much as I would like to think that it has.
I'm not really sure what it is, or why it has always been this way, but something about my personality just doesn't really seem to mesh with most people. It's not that I have anger issues or like to show off, maybe I can get to emotional? I don't know, but for the sake of this post... it really doesn't matter.
There has always been a couple of people that I have found through the various stages of my life, who like me don't exactly fit in with what is considered the "norm,"but those people always change because they start to mix in and drift away eventually... and I just stay put. I know I have changed as a person, thank goodness! But, I feel like there are parts of me that have never changed ... but everyone around me seems to grow out of it and move on, leaving me behind.
And it's not like it's just my personality, my appearance is different too. I never "dress to impress" I dress to what fits my mood, so I will frequently show up to school in just jeans, sweatshirt and pony tail, without makeup. I never wear makeup... which i guess, for a 17 year old girl... can be considered a little strange? Plus it doesn't help that I'm 6 feet tall. That alone causes problems. People always try to tell me otherwise, but at the same time... the comments about it never stop. Even members of my own family have commented on the fact that I am too tall for guys around here, that guys my age are intimidated by my height, that I will never get cast in shows because I am too tall, and even though I can be perfectly qualified for a role and the director might even want me since I'm not short enough... I won't be cast. It's happened to my mom, the director even talked to her about it afterwords and apologized for the fact that there was nothing he could do about how society views these things.
And its things like this about our society that really bother me. No matter how accepting we claim to be, there always seems to be this cookie cutter idea of what things should be, and it's not going away any time soon. And again, going back to the height thing... in heterosexual relationships, it is perfectly acceptable for men to be taller, and significantly taller at that, than a woman. but if that is the other way around, as much as people will deny it, they will think it is funny or odd. I know this is true because when I saw a couple where the woman was a lot taller than the man she was with, my friends and the people around me started snickering. I didn't say anything, in fact, I just wanted to cry. I was only twelve at the time but I knew that someday... that was going to be me, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I know it shouldn't bother me what other people think. But I have never really had a very strong self-esteem and so after a long time of people making comments about it.... all you can really see is the negative. I wish this would change, especially since there are so many other girls out there like me... some have it even worse than I do, and they are all going through the exact same thing.
Even on the Internet, I was just looking through some other blogs here on blogger and I don't even fit on this website. Apparently, blogging is more for adults sharing recipes or parents documenting their families lives. So far as I can see, there are no other teenagers venting about their problems. Not that that is even surprising, the extent of blogging that most teenagers do is going on tumblr, which I think is a poor excuse for blogging. There is is hardly ever any actual expression of ideas on there, but rather just constantly reposting other quotes and pictures that other people have posted trying to rack up as many followers as possible.

But you know what, I'm tired of impressing other people or trying to fit in. Maybe this has been my problem all along. I have never really allowed myself the time to be myself, rather I have been entirely focused on what other people would think of me if I was in a specific situation. No more. I need to start accepting myself for who I am, and not who others think I should be.
I'm proud of my blog, I like being able to express what I'm going through and seeing that other people are actually reading it. I don't want to wish I was shorter anymore because if I was... then I wouldn't be who I am. If people are going to judge me, fine. go ahead. Don't expect me to judge anyone back because I won't. I don't need to waste my time on things like that. I have much more important things to worry about, like college apps, school, homework, 4-H, helping my friends with their problems, enjoying life, accomplishing my goals and just being the best version of my that I can be.
And nothing is going to get in the way of that.

So much anger. So much hurt...

I am absolutely exhausted, have already fallen asleep on the couch. So logic would tell me to go to sleep and wait until tomorrow morning to write this. Nahh... I'll do it now anyway.
So as is obvious from my second most recent post, everything has gone horribly wrong. I'm not going into details because frankly, it's still really painful, and because its obvious my friends didn't want to tell me everything to keep me from being too upset. I'm glad for that because as it is I'm having a real hard time dealing with everything.
I was really upset yesterday, and didn't want to go to the football game because of the fact that i knew it would only make me feel worse. I'm really glad I did end up going, it had a different effect than I had expected it to. I only know this because I'm not a giant ball of tears and chocolate right now. But, I am hurting, bad. I'm trying not to show it, and most of the time I really am fine, I can go around and laugh and be happy like normal. All good signs. I had even been fool enough that I might have even gotten over it enough to completely not care in the span of a little over one day. Yeah... I was wrong. That's going to take a while. But it has nothing to do with the fact that he doesn't like me. No, I honestly couldn't care less about that at this point. It's a combination of a couple things.
1. I feel like I am a complete idiot for ever saying anything to the effect that I liked him because I now have lost a friend.
2. The fact that after three years of  being able to confide pretty much anything in each other and all of the laughing and teasing and whathaveyou, he didn't even have the decency to tell me any of this to my face. Or to skip this whole mess and just have been honest to begin with, instead of the load of absolute crap I got instead.
3. Coming to terms with the fact that we are never going to talk to each other again. That didn't really sink in (honestly I still don't think it has fully done so) until the game tonight, and I almost burst into tears. To think that this has all come down to the point where one of the few people I had tried my hardest to maintain a friendship with, pretty much wants to avoid even agknowledging my existence... I feel like someone has punched me in the face.
4. Realizing that he is nothing like what I thought he was. So now every memory I have of him is tainted with immature douche bag. I don't even smile when I think back to old conversations anymore, it all just feels like one massive lie.
That and I realized that if he does decide to talk to me again, it is going to take a hell of a lot of restraint to keep me from screaming. I feel so much anger and pain at this point, that I can't even comprehend having a normal conversation with him. All I see in my head is anger, and quite a lot of some very inappropriate language. And for me, that is a big deal, because I try my hardest not to hate or dislike anyone no matter what they thought about me or anything. And up until this point, I have been pretty good at maintaining that... but I feel so betrayed right now that I can't help it.

So yeah, we aren't friends anymore. We never will be, nor will we ever come close to that again. I still wish him the best, but I am done. I no longer want anything to do with him. Ever.

So I just got the results from the carcass contest for the market lambs at fair. Pebbles got 2nd place! So I got another $60 of winnings. Ehh, it's not that big of a deal. :)

oh well

Disregard everything I have said in any posts since I have begun blogging again. I should have listened to my gut from the beginning. I feel really stupid and should have never said anything in the first place. I think I'm doing okay, at least at the moment.... I've been expecting this for a while now and it's not like we've been talking anyway, so I think that's going to make things easier in the long run....

I'm just really glad I found out before I embarrassed myself and made the rest of my school year miserable. This is not going to be like 8th grade was. I know better this time.

ces't la vie

Okay, well maybe I sort of bailed out on my task at hand. And pretty much every single one of my friends who knows about it is going crazy with the fact that I need to talk to him. But at least now I know what to say, and thanks to Hagop I have been schooled in the ways of being appealing to the male species. Or ... something like that?
So hopefully, by tomorrow I will stop complaining about this whole thing and something will actually happen. For better or for worse, something is going to occur. And even if it is worse, it can't be all that more miserable than it is at the moment so I think I'm going to be ok.

On another note. My friends are starting to get into relationships, and to see them happy like that is pretty much one of the greatest things ever. I think its having an effect on me too... because even though nothing has changed for me. at all... I'm a lot happier. I'm about 180% sure its because of all the adorable stories that they all have... and I love hearing about them. It's so freaking cute.
Though one friend today was talking about how I should go to one of her sports practices because of all of the hot guys that are there.. and that their average height is about 5'11 ( still an inch shorter than me) so it would make me happy. It was at that moment that I realized that honestly... I could care less about how ripped or tall they are... because I doubt any of them could give me the amount of butterflies that I get even when I just think about ****. I don't care if one of them is an Abercrombie model and he is all over me. It won't happen. It certainly didn't when I was in San Diego this summer.
And I know that I'm probably being ridiculous because its not like I have any clue that he even likes me.... but no one else is interesting to me anymore. That's probably going to end up being a bad thing... ehh, I don't care anyway. So long as I can still think about something he said and then sit there smiling like an idiot, I honestly don't think anything is going to change.

So if you excuse me for a moment... I'm gonna go back to listening to music and dancing around my house because no one is watching ;)

failure

So... I failed. I made a promise to myself, annnnndddd I broke it. That promise was even reinforced by a dare that was essentially an ultimatum. And I still didn't follow through.
I can't tell you how awful I feel about it. I was so determined to talk to him that I was sure that I was going to commit to my goal.  I came so close. 3 fricken times. I could have had this all over with. Done. I wouldn't have to worry... but no. Instead I'm sitting on my bed furious with myself for being so pathetic that I can't even manage to speak to the one person that I've been dying to talk to for the past three months. I can't even begin to explain how horrible I feel, I'm just a big fat loser who is slowly getting to a point where I'm going to lose a good friend forever.
I cried. I was so upset with the fact that I couldn't do it, that I cried. I managed to walk far enough away so that I wasn't standing there in the parking lot crying in front of his friends but still. I felt so childish. I still do.

And yeah, I know I have tomorrow... but that's been the excuse Ive been making since school has started and I didn't want there to be a hope that I will succeed tomorrow. I want to be done with this, I want to be able to talk to him again, like the way we used to talk. I don't need anything else. I just can't stand this awkward situation we are in. I just want to go back to the way we were... is that to much to ask?


This wasn't the post I was expecting, I'm really sorry... I was going to talk about my weekend and how amazing it was, but I needed to vent. Maybe I'll tell you in the next couple of days.

Sudden Burst of Courage.

I'm gonna do it... I can't take this anymore. I'm sick of this silence, I need to say something and soon. I can't even sleep anymore. This isnt healthy, I can't keep going on like this. I'm done with reassuring myself with the fact that one day I will wake up and either have enough courage to say something or things will just work out so that I dont have to day much. NO, that's not going to happen. I'm not going to suddenly wake up and be courageous. Courage is being scared to death about something and then still going to get it done anyway. And that's what I have to do. Otherwise, nothing will ever happen, we probably won't get back to the way we used to be and I will forever look back and be so angry with myself that I never said anything. Never took the chance....
Maybe I'm not exactly sure what to say, maybe I'm getting my hopes up for nothing... but at this point, getting it over with is better then this miserable state I have been in. And if things work out, then GREAT! I don't think I could comprehend how happy I would be. But if it doesn't.... well then maybe after 3 years of this internal struggle I can finally bring myself to attempt to move on. I have no idea how thats going to happen, or exactly how painful that would be. But I'm not going to think about that unless it happens. For right now I just need to focus on the fact that I NEED to talk to him. Because I feel ridiculous. And I want to know. More than anything.
And I can't say I have ever had experience with any of this, and I have no idea what any form of that "L" word feels like. But I know for sure that what I feel is not the same as any other crush I have ever had, no way. He means so much more than that. Everything about this kid... every story, every fault, every disagreement. Everything. It's just perfect. Honestly, I couldn't imagine anyone else that can make me feel as if even my worst faults are normal. And every single insecurity I have... it's like they don't exsist when he's around. And I'm not exaggerating. I could go on for hours, but that isn't something for the internet.
Someday, I'll be able to tell him all of this, it won't be for a while, but it is going to happen. Probably when we graduate... and I am going to plan it because I can't just bear out my soul like that on a whim. Especially when it involves him, because he means too much to me. It wouldnt be good enough.

So yeah, I guess this is my sudden splurge of courage. The point where I completely admit everything and no longer can stand it. If its not tomorrow, then Monday. And thus, what I thought was going to be a short post of just a couple of lines.... turns into another rant. Not a surprise, I tend to ramble a little bit when it comes to this stuff. You have no idea how hard it has been to hide everything from him for this long. That has definitely been so much harder than saying anything I need to say to him in the comming days will be.
Wish me luck.

mood swings?

It's amazing how fast you're emotions can change from day to day. As is obvious from yesterday, I wasn't feeling so great. Today however, was a different story. It wasn't even like something eventful happened either, but sometimes all you need are those small things to get going and you're set.
I knew it was going to be a good day when I was able to get a whole bunch of work done in ceramics today, I more than tripled the height of my coil pot and it is looking really good. I got super excited about it. So I was already in a good mood by the time I got to psychology. I figured we weren't going to be doing much so I just sort of sat there, what I didn't expect was to sit there laughing through pretty much the whole class about the ridiculous names that were in the questions we were supposed to answer, specifically about this one involving a girl named Polly. Don't ask why this was so hilarious... I have no clue, but we were all cracking up none the less.
Lunch. Lunch is always the test of how my day is going to end up lately. I had homework for my last class to do so I wasn't being super social, but I was able to talk to some people about why I didn't want to go and talk to a certain someone during lunch in front of all of his friends, and most everyone finally started to understand. Lorenzo was being super funny about it, and I couldn't help but giggle especially since he reminds me so much of my cousin it's ridiculous. Honestly they could be twins... even though one of them is from Sweden and the other is from Italy. But at least I had the excuse that I had to finish my homework before lunch ended. I was a teeny bit distracted though... because a certain someone was right in my line of vision, and it seemed that every time I looked up from either my work or some joke that I was laughing at... he would be sitting there smiling or laughing as well... and looking back at me. Im sure I looked like a tomato by the end of lunch but I didn't care.... my stomach was so full of butterflies I honestly thought I would either collapse or float away. But that wasn't the end of it, as I was walking into class he was walking a short ways behind me.. and then I heard it, his laugh. Boom. That did it. I pretty much fell into the wall next to me, and was completely unable to focus for the rest of the day. My friends had to keep punching my arm or do something to maintain my focus for long enough to make it seem like I was paying attention in class. But even my teacher noticed something was up. He walked over and asked me if I had gotten sunburned, or if I had been running around at lunch or something of the sorts. When I said no (I was relatively embarrassed because I didn't realize I was STILL blushing) he assumed it was because I have "good circulation" and walked away.  Sure... lets just go with that conclusion.
So yeah, Ive been feeling the absolute polar opposite as I was feeling from yesterday... could change again tomorrow, who knows. But I do know that I am going to say something to him, and it is going to be sooner rather than later. I just hope everything will end up being ok.

side note

Ok I know I just posted literaly 30 seconds ago, but I was looking through old posts and I realized how I was pretty much at the same spot I am now in some of those posts from last November. And I just wanted to clarify somethings in case anyone was wondering. I doubt it, since the only people I know of that actually read this are my friends that already know.
Last year was a mess for me, I had only just begun to admit to the fact that I liked the guy that I still like now, and have been constantly talking about on this blog. But in the midst of that, there was a guy that I still had residual feelings for that was a crush from a year before, that all began with Thanksgiving dinner (don't ask), hence that one post from around then with the song lyrics from the song "Goodbye". And finally there was a lot of drama where I was being objectified by someone in the cast of the musical I was in at the time. And since I was already so confused with everything else that was going on in my head, something inside me decided it would be easier to play into the fact that this person, grantid I didn't agree with anything that he did, obviously did like me... even if it was just because of what I look like and nothing else. So I never really did truly like him and things with that got confusing and it was all just a really bad time that I would really like to forget even happened.
 That being said, those posts aren't even remotely close or connected in anyway to what I am talking about now. So yeah, just wanted to clear that up because I felt like it needed to be said, especially since it was really bothering me.

Pathetic: (adjective)

Today was rough. I'm still a little sick, almost completely better, but it still affects me a little bit. So the fact that there was a lot that happened today that nearly set me over the edge didnt help much. I got so exhausted from the stress of it hall that when I got to my moms classroom afterschool to get a ride home, I ended up falling asleep. On the floor. For an hour. I didn't even realize that I was tired before that happened.
So it started of with a presentation in my history class this morning about a trip that we can do in February that is called Sojourn to the Past. I've really wanted to go for a long time, but the presentation is meant to be emotional, and I was prepared for that (I mean last year I spoke to Elizabeth Eckford on the phone and burst into tears, so I couldnt get any more emotional then I had then). What I wasn't prepared for was the fact that I would constantly have flashbacks to conversations that I had forgotten about. You see, this whole trip is about the civil rights movement, and last year when I was talking to that certain person that I have been mentioning a lot recently, the time when we really got close and talk about everything... was during that portion of the year. So I was sitting in the auditorium listening when all of a sudden there was something the guy said that hit something, and I found myself trying my best to not make my sudden flashbacks nocitceable. And it KEPT HAPPENING! I was so confused and I couldn't focus on anything... except the image in my head of the way that he would smile at me every time I would laugh at something he said. And I would sit there, smiling down at my paper thinking about it... until the effects wore off. At that point all I felt was that emptiness I've been feeling a lot recently.
By the time I got through chemistry I was completely drained, I just wanted to be done with the day. I was also wishing that tomorrow could come sooner because Ceramics is the one class where I can distract myself long enough to feel somewhat better for a while. Plus there isn't anything better than sitting at a table with nothing but a lump of clay and some creativity to aid you in making something really cool. Anyway, I was walking out of class, when of course I saw him walking in the opposite direction as me... I pretended I didn't notice and looked a way a little but so that I could still see what he would do when we passed eachother. And when I saw him look back at me, I knew it wasn't a lot but it was enough to make me feel a little better about things. It's stupid I know, but I found it reassuring that maybe things are still salvageable.
Unfortunately, my reassurance wouldn't stand up to my friends. They have been pressuring me to talk to him for a while now. Which makes sense, and I don't deny that it needs to happen, but the fact that they think it would be ok to walk up to him in front of all of his friends and try to talk to him would be is insane. Yeah I know there isn't going to be that opportune moment that will just appear, but I mean, can't I wait until he's somewhat alone. But the pressure was really bad at lunch today, I was miserable, they were relentless.  And then one of them made the comment that I was going to end up the way I was freshman year all over again. THAT stung.  It's not like I'm not trying, every single time we switch classes I'm looking in the hallways in case I see him and he's a lone enough so that I can at least say hi.
It's just so strange, how can I go from being able to talk to him about anything and everything to being terrified to even smile at him in the hallway. I can't even express how pathetic I feel right now. And the worst part is, there was a perfect time at which I could talk to him today, but because everyone had been pressuring me so much I could no longer find any words in general, let alone to be able to talk to him. So.... I walked away. And as soon as I did I was so mad at myself.

I have never been more aggravated with myself in my life. I really wish I could just grow up, get more confidence... something, before I really do lose him completely.....

butterflies, headaches and senior portraits

Well I guess I can't complain, my immune system decided to be nice to me and wait until immediately after I took my senior portaits for me to get miserably sick. But typical me, I decide not to get some rest so that I will be somewhat healthy when I get back to school on monday. No, instead I spend my entire saturday helping a friend of mine run a 4-H event that she has been planning for the past year. So, when I got home I had exhausted myself so much that when I went to go lay down fro a few minutes, I ended up falling asleep for 3 hours. Then when I woke up at like 9:30 I listened to music for another hour or two and then went to bed, again. according to my mom I slept for about 14 hours. And today I feel a lot worse than I did before, ehh... I guess I deserve it.
So, to my story. I had my portaits done on Friday, and 3:15, but I started getting ready for them at 5:00 the day before.
I know. Crazy right?! Trust me, that is not something that is normal for me. But considering that that senior portraits are the second most important pictures you take in your life behind wedding photos, I was really scared. I had good reason to, for girls, the way your hair looks is a crucial part of whether of not your picture can be determined as a good or not. And my hair is, well... uncontrollable and certainly not portrait worthy.  I had already been growing my hair out for a year just for the purpose of those pictures. After many panicked conversations with my mom, she decided that she would take me to our hair dresser and have her do my hair for the pictures. Both of us are completely useless when it comes to styling. So I made an appointment for the day before since she didnt have anything open on the day of. I wanted my hair to have pretty loose curls. So in order for that to happen, they had to be curled tightly the night before and periodically pulled out. This also meant I had to pin it up to sleep on. Well, I can't say sleep, because that certainly didn't happen. More like lay down with your eyes closed and pretend like you're comfortable.
Friday itself was impossibly long. Honestly i felt as if I had lived three days all in one. It was even an early day and I still felt like I was going on for an eternity. I was a nervous wreck all day. I couldn't figure out why I was freaking out about going to school, I had no tests, it was my better block day, and I was wearing a really cute outfit. But for some reason I felt so self-consious about how I looked it was ridiculous. I ended up contributing it to a number of factors:
1) That being more of a tomboy, wearing a pencil skirt, frilly top and having fancy hair unnerved me.
2) I really don't like bringing attention to myself, and considering I looked nothing like I normally did... I got a lot of looks and compliments.
3) I really just wanted to wear a pair of sweats and an old tshirt so that I could calm down
4) I was starting to feel the oncommings of a cold, which I was praying would hold off until the day was over.
And right when I was beginning to calm down, Briana had to freak me out... all over again. hurray. It started when she threatened that since I looked so nice I needed to talk to a certain someone that day, and that she was going to tell him to meet me after school. I told her no... but  was still all shaken up through my last class. Then of course once school ended she told me that he had his appointment right before mine. That did it. I was terrified. I had a little over two hours to spare and all I could do was panick. I was constantly checking my hair, tugging at my clothes, checking my phone for the time, and trying to calm myself down.  I did manage to calm myself down long enough to put on makeup, which again, is not something that I normally do. My fears had shifted from having a bad protrait to figuring out what the hell I was going to do if he saw me. Wasn't entirely ready to fully admit that though...
Briana was coming with me to the portrait studio as we were having a movie night with a couple other people that night anyway. So we got there, and I was trying my best to remain as calm as possible.... and then I walked in the door. There he was sitting in the back corner, and I found myself no longer focusing on trying to stay calm, but merely trying not to collapse. It didn't help that the lady behind the counter was on the phone and in no hurry to get off. Meanwhile, Briana was busy quietly pointing him out to my mom... who wasnt picking up on the hints. and once she did.. (according to Briana) she got this dissapointed look on her face. Thanks a lot mom...
So yeah, I managed to get the business part of everything done without anything embarrassing happening. I was taken to the other waiting room and while I was sitting there with that black velvet shawl thing restricting all arm movement, I couldn't help it, I was casting a few sideways glances. A few of which I caught him looking at me, and vice versa. The last time, I looked over and then he saw me, got a little smile on his face... I turned away and then couldn't help smiling myself. And then I looked over again... and he had gotten up, and walked over the the waiting room I was in. He sat down next to this other guy who he was waiting for and started talking about something random. And I was dying to say something, I needed to say something. I couldn't be sitting right there next to him and not say something, especially since it had been so long and I needed some excuse to break the silence between us... And of course, it was at that moment when the photographer called me in to take the pictures.
I was so frazzled it took me a while to calm down, and the photographer was so nice, he kept trying to calm me down telling me there was nothing to worry about. My pictures looked really good though, at least I had that to be happy about. Otherwise I was sort of in a daze for a while.
I was glad to have my friends over that night though, even with the crazy amount of teasing and threatening that I HAVE to talk to him on monday. I still spend a good amount of time gorging on comfort food.

So yeah, I'm not exactly sure what the point of this was, a chance to vent a little? I'm sure it doesn't make the most sense, since being sick is making my brain all fuzzy.

Prom

Since I don't really have anything new to talk about, and I would not want to bore the Internet with ramblings on how I feel miserable... I decided to go back and talk about something that people here in the U.S. make a huge deal about. Prom.

Okay, well first thing is first. It is not anywhere close to what society has made it out to be. Yes it is a lot of fun, but it is not going to be the best night of your life. The one thing that is realistic about everything is the mad scramble to get a date. That is a pain in the butt. I wouldn't say it caused a lot of drama... but at least in my case, there was quite a bit of disappointment. No worries though, this story does have a happy ending.

A couple months before prom, like mid-February, was when everything started. It sort of happened one say, we were all sitting in class when some kid came on over the announcements and asked a girl if she would want to go to prom with him. (apparently my school has a secret challenge claiming that if you are the first person to ask someone over the announcements then you can get a free ticket.) Everyone was a little confused since it was so early and we had just had winter formal like the weekend prior, but even though no one knew it the mad rush had begun.
It was like I just blinked and the whole mood around me had changed. Suddenly every single girl was talking about dress shopping and what boys they wanted to go with. I stood out on the sidelines, it wasn't that I didn't want to participate in this epitome of all "girl talks" but it was the fact that i knew deep down that no matter how hard I would try... no one would want to go with me, the 6 foot tall girl who towered over almost everyone else. So to save myself from some bitter disappointment I had decided that I would simply not go. Amanda had already changed her mind from deciding not to go, to being super enthusiastic about it. I had felt as if our sentiments about the issue had completely flip-flopped. It wasn't long until her persistence had convinced me to go again, but I only had one condition: that she had to go dress shopping with me.  I had no idea how hard that task was going to be...
We decided that we were going shopping over spring break. We got to the mall ( a place I normally hate as I absolutely DETEST shopping) and we went straight to Macy's as we knew they had a good selection. I had fun.. in the beginning, but as the day went on and we went from store to store trying dress after dress, I had come to the realization that even dresses knew that I was too tall for prom. Even the longest ones we could find would fall at an inch above my ankle at its longest. We tried fro 2 days straight... and could come up with nothing. I was miserable and fed up with the experience. So I pushed it out of my mind for a while... and focused on my other problem; my serious lack of a date.
I was hoping for one of 2 people to ask me, they were both people I was crushing on at the time ( one of them I really didn't know but I thought he was really attractive, and then the other ... well... hes the guy I mentioned in the last post). But, as time went on I found that neither of those options was going to be a reality. Boy #1 wasn't even going to be around that weekend, but Boy #2 ... he ended up asking this other girl, and I felt as if someone had punched a hole through my stomach when I found out. I had talked to him about it later on in a class we had together, when another kid in our group brought it up, and it was that conversation that made me realize that maybe he liked me too.
So... as far as I was concerned I was out of luck, and was kicking myself that I had ever gotten my hopes up in the first place. Then Amanda, I swear this girl is a saint, gave me my solution. She told me to take her little brother, Ryan, who is another good friend of mine. And before I could even think about if I really wanted to do that or not, she had decided for me and promptly told both of her parents. So the three of them were constantly asking me if I had asked him yet and at that point, even if I didn't want to go with him I really didn't have a choice. I still was pathetic about it though, and even though we were super close and everything I couldn't even ask him without Amanda standing there prompting me. I swear she will never let me live it down.
I had now solved one of my problems, and with only a week and a half until April 28th I still had yet to find a dress. My mom took me to a bridal shop after school one day to see if I could finally find something. The ladies in there were so cute, they wanted me to try on everything just so I could model it for them, because apparently I had the body they had been looking for for a long time. I was on a limited schedule though, so I had to get serious and find something. Most of the things they put me in made me feel super uncomfortable, I felt like more of my skin was showing then the fabric that was supposedly covering me. I mean, I'm not conservative by any terms, but I certainly wasn't going to be raunchy. And then, I saw it. The red Bridesmaids dress. It was gorgeous. I tried it on and even though it was like 4 sizes too big i knew that that was my dress. And the best part was, it was actually long enough!!! The ladies altered it for me and I picked it up just a few days before the dance.

So I know I said before that it wont be the best night of your life, but I had so much fun it was probably pretty close to it. It was one of the few times in my life where I truly felt pretty, and I had so much fun dancing and screaming out the songs on the dance floor that I never wanted the night to end. Though I think the most entertaining part of the night was the dress watching, some of those girls looked so tacky I had to laugh. I mean one girl showed up wearing a cutout dress... with a cheetah print bra underneath. I mean really?!?
So yeah, that is my prom story. I know it isn't exactly the most exciting thing ever, but I figured there are so many stereotypical stories out there that I should contribute my more normal everyday girl story, and not the hyped up pretty girl ones.  And to go with it, here are a couple of my favorite pictures from that night.

From left to right: Cassidy, Amanda, me, Ryan